Life with One Ear...

... is not fun. I feel uneven. I feel incomplete. I feel null and void. I feel like a large piece of me is missing. The left side of my body feels like a black hole that is going to suck me in. It is like sound cannot be decompressed. It cannot be processed. It comes in through one ear and the pressure just builds and builds until I feel as if my head is going to explode.

My tinnitus is back. I haven't experienced this sensation in over a year! To hear a constant ringing is just plain annoying. It is making it difficult for me to sleep. It makes a lot of things difficult. Like conversation. I cant hear myself speak. I cant even hear myself think for christ sake. This sensation is all-consuming and not in a good way. Once the ringing starts, it is near impossible to make it go away. I try plugging my fingers in my ear to make this horrific noise go away. It won't. As I lay in bed writing this, I wonder if this offbeat symphony will ever go away.

Life with one ear, and not a great one, is just plain awful. I did not expect things to be as hard as they have been. I do not know how on earth I ever did this for 8 weeks after my initial surgery. Looking back, I do not remember it being that bad, which is probably why I thought 2 weeks would be a piece of cake. It's not. It's just plain torture.

I hate not being able to hear well; it makes my heart feel like it is going to explode. I hate that I feel frustrated all the time. I hate that it makes me snappy. I hate that I cannot have a conversation without putting 300% energy into hearing one sentence. I hate that I have to ask "what?" 3 times before hearing something. I hate not being able to hear in the shower. I hate that my night is so silent and dead. I hate that I cannot talk with my husband in bed anymore. I hate that I cant hear the whispers of the wind.


To be completely honest, I think what I really hate is what my life is like without my Esteem. I have spent the last six months focused on the fact that there is a problem and I have put all my energy into finding a solution and just simply being heard. While this energy has been put to good use, I am realizing that I have lost sight of all the positive aspects the Esteem has brought to my life. It gave me hope. It made me believe in miracles. It gave me confidence to challenge myself, to be myself. It brought me out of my shell. It allowed me to, once again, have faith. To open my heart to the world again. It brought back my zest for life. It pushed me on the path to acceptance. 


It changed me.

I must always remember the day my Esteem was turned on. It was the day I became whole again.

Life is YOUR Choice

I have to say that the last year of my life has been quite a struggle. Hell, the last 6 month in itself of learning to hear again has been a spiraling journey of ups and downs. There are days that I feel on top of the world and others that make me want to just give up on this journey all together. While my implant has given me hope and improved my hearing on so many levels (and hopefully many more to come!), I do still have my "I cant hear very well" days where everything seems a blur. 

Sometimes when things do not seem to go right in our lives, we attribute our feelings to the situations in our life. And rightfully so... We wouldn't have to deal with the situation at all if life didn't throw it at us while we weren't even looking, right? While we may not be able to choose our life circumstances or how we initially feel about certain things that happen in our life, we DO have a choice about how we react to these unforeseen situations and how we let them affect how we live our lives and our overall happiness. 

Obviously, feeling sad, frustrated, angry, or depressed doesn’t feel good, so when it comes down to it, we have to ask ourselves, is it worth it? Is it so important that it is worth holding onto this negative energy? Letting it ruin your day? Letting it make you feel upset? No, it is certainly not! 

Yes, it is frustrating that I have to wake up every morning as a hearing impaired individual and go through my day wondering if I will be able to hear people or not. Yes, it is not fair that I have to live with a hearing disability, while I see friends my age being able to so effortlessly and happily live their life. I hate more than anything that it is difficult for me to keep in touch with and communicate with my loved ones. Sometimes I get SO mad at God when things get difficult. Why me?

However, what I have learned is that by holding onto this negative energy, the only person you are hurting is yourself. By being jealous of someone else's life or by being frustrated when you cannot hear someone, you are only hurting YOU! These feelings are truly a waste of energy that could be used to feel good about something. So, stop honing in on the negative, and boost up all the positive things that are happening in your life right now!

Always keep in mind that while you cannot control the crappy life circumstances that are thrown at you, you can control the level you take it too. If you take the time to explore whatever it is you are feeling, you will be able to better understand yourself, which will make it easier to learn from and let go of the negative experience that may be holding you back. With hardship comes growth, but only if we take the opportunity to learn from lifes' happenings. By focusing on the lesson instead of the struggle, we are bound to become wiser and happier individuals...

Sounds of the Mall

Today at work I had to attend another Webinar training. I had such high hopes that attending meetings at work would be easier for me, but the last training I attended left me feeling hopeless. I am happy to report that the quality of the sound ended up being much clearer than the first time which made the training much easier to follow. However, I was probably only understanding about 50% of what was being said. Learning to hear again is not a simple task. It is frustrating and overwhelming. It takes A LOT of patience. Patience that I am losing every time a situation is this difficult for me.

One of the most important things that Fraser has taught me is to speak up and be my own advocate about my hearing loss. However, sometimes I wish that I didn't have anything to speak up about. I wish I could have a normal life and be a normal employee. I hate, more than anything, that accommodations have to be made for me. Oh, everyone has to move so Alex can sit at the front of the room. People also have to communicate with me in different ways in order for me to hear.

As I left work, I felt so many negative emotions so decided to stop at the Mall on my way home. "Retail Therapy" is the cure to everything. I also knew I just needed to walk around and let go of the negative feelings that were surrounding me.

When I walked into the mall, my heart started to race because I was hearing SO many noises and all at once. 

• The sound of heels tapping across the floor
• The sound of people talking in the distance
• Music exploding from the ceiling
• Kids screaming as they sprinted past me to get to the play area

I honest to God felt like my head was going to explode. As I was walking, I kept cringing and looking over my shoulder to see what was going on around me. I felt a little paranoid. I do not think I passed more than 1 or 2 shops before I made a mad dash into Forever 21 to escape the madness. But this was much much worse! The music in this store was so loud and overbearing. The beat of the music soon matched the beat of my heart rapidly thudding underneath my shirt. As I got deeper and deeper into the store, my anxiety worsened. I couldn’t take it. I had to get the heck out of there. I honestly cannot remember what happened next but next thing I know I have my hands over my ears and I am running out of the store, out of the mall, into the garage, and into the safety of my car. Wow. That was the most overwhelming 7 minutes of my life. I think that this has to be some type of world record for the least amount of time spent in a mall.

While this week has been a bit discouraging for me in my ability to hear and understand people, as well as in my attempts to be “happily social”, I now understand why the Envoy Technician sets the devise at minimal gain for the first couple of months and only allows you to hear and get used a small range of sound. While my experience at the mall was overwhelming, it did give me more confidence in Envoy’s process. I feel like I have the strength to be patient and that everything will fall into place soon enough. If it doesn't then it is not the end. In very small increments, my life changes everyday and I have faith that things will get easier for me.

Emergency Break

This morning, I was lucky enough to find a parking place about 2 blocks away from my office building. Score! It was on a little bit of a hill so I had to turn my emergency break on. When I got back into my car, I had totally forgotten that my emergency break was on and started to drive away. I cannot even express how many times this has happened to me before and I would normally drive for miles before I even recognized this, which probably explains why I recently had to replace my break pads. However, today I noticed right away because… 


dun dun dun DUN!


My car has a dinging notification to let me know of this! How convenient! If only I could have heard this before! I wouldn’t say that this noise was outwardly loud (like OMG how did I miss this), but I have had my car for four years and NEVER heard this before. AMAZING.

Hearing Loss and Safety

One of the most annoying things about where is work is that there is no onsite parking for employee. We all must park on the street and walk 6-7 blocks on some days just to get to the office building. What I have learned is that it is all about timing but unfortunately the actual time a place becomes available is different everyday. So, not much help there. 


I do not mind the walking part as I feel that walking 15 minutes to and from my car at the beginning and end of the day is a great stress reliever for me and helps me decompress my day. What I do not like is walking to my car when I work late at night, which is more often than not. Before I had my Esteem implant, I was so terrified that someone would sneak up behind me and I wouldn't be able to hear them coming in enough time to start running for the hills. 


Many people do not realize that having a hearing disability can be very dangerous. What if someone broke into my house in the middle of the night? There is no way I would have been able to hear something like this before my implant. My husband used to be employed as a hotel manager, so before he lost his job, there would be times when he would be called into work in the middle of the night, or be forced to work through the night shift if an employee called in sick. There were many nights my husband was not around which is why my inability to hear at night with out my hearing aids was one of his biggest fears and part of the reason we adopted a puppy this past summer (before I had planned to get the Esteem implant). 


My husband and I had the same concern about smoke detectors. What if a fire started in the middle of the night? The alarm is so high pitched that my hearing aid barely picks up on this tone when I am standing right below it. How in the world would I be able to hear this from the next room without my hearing aids when I am half asleep?


Another safety issue is driving and my inability to hear sirens. There have been countless occasions where I would run through a stoplight and not see an ambulance headed towards me until I was already through the intersection. What if I was 10 seconds behind schedule that day? I probably would not be alive right now. Also, since I am so dependent on reading lips, when I am driving and talking to the passenger, I have to turn my head to be able to understand what the passenger is saying. Anything could happen in those 5 seconds I look away. This, to me, is equivalent to texting while driving. All it takes is 5 seconds and you are roadkill.


These are just a few of the many situations that can be dangerous for hearing impaired individuals. Now that I have been implanted with the Esteem, I feel much comfort in knowing that I no longer have to be scared of these situations anymore. 

A Discouraging Meeting

To start off my day at work, I had a Webinar training to attend. Our team was set up to view this training together as a group and this was very very difficult for me, to say the least. The sound coming from the phone was a bit distorted and almost sounded like a bad cell phone connection. I asked my colleagues if this was the case but everyone felt that the sound was clear. I guess it was just me and my Esteem. I thought that this may be because the volume on my Esteem was too loud but the quality of sound was not fixed by my multiple readjustments throughout the meeting. 

I was obviously very upset (and confused) about why this was happening to me so after the meeting, I talked to the team lead to express my concern. She mentioned that the content being discussed was complicated in general and that the trainer was a bit difficult to follow. The best way to explain this mans voice was that his sentences would start out loud and clear, but then would slowly slowly decrease into a soft mumble that was near impossible for me to hear. Every sentence was sort of like this:

Started at a loud volume and then slowly decreased to nothing…

This, along with "mumblers" and "mouth coverers", are the hearing impaired's worst nightmare! 

I was also having a difficult time hearing the other 5 people in the room with me. At this point in my journey, my Esteem has a very difficult time picking up on peoples' voices at a distance. I know that my Esteem is limited to certain tones and ranges until my next readjustment appointment, but this was WAY more difficult than I expected and imagined it to be. This was the first large meeting I attended since my activation and this experience made me feel a bit discouraged and frustrated. 

When I returned to my office, I had a voicemail. Through my Esteem ear, the voice on the message was distorted as it was during my training. Interestingly, when I switched it to my hearing aided ear, the distortion went away and it was almost clearer for me. I could, surprisingly, more easily comprehend with my hearing aided ear. I emailed the Envoy Technician about my concern and she suggested that I play around with the device settings to see which setting is the easiest for talking on the phone. She also told me that this is something we can practice and work on during my readjustment appointment next month. Hopefully, we will be able to get this figured out.

While today was a bit discouraging for me, I have to keep reminding myself to stay positive and think of all of the amazing sounds I am now able to hear and experience. This process takes time and I am confident that things will get better and easier for me. This was the first large meeting I have attended since my activation and the first time doing anything is difficult. I just need to continue to put myself out there and get all the practice that I can. Practice makes perfect!

Slowly Entering My Social World Again

Last night I decided to make my first public appearance with my friends since my activation. It truly is amazing how much more relaxed and happy I am being in a social situation. Before my implant, I would get so anxious before doing ANYTHING that would potentially require me to have a conversation with someone. Even as small as, going to DSW to browse for shoes when I had no intent of buying anything (which would have forced me to make conversation with the cashier). I really truly isolated myself in the last year, not only from these everyday situations but also from friends and family. I felt so happy when I woke up this morning and didn't realize how much I missed spending time with and being surrounded by friends. I am so thankful for my friends and those who stuck by me through this rough patch in my life. I know it will take time to rebuild all of these lost relationships but I truly feel like I have all the confidence in the world to do this. As I bring myself back into the social world, I hope to to be able to form and build new relationships.

Lunch Date Hearing

Fras and I just got back from lunch and you will not believe what I was able to hear! 

We went to this sports bar right around where I work and it was packed with people watching the football games. When I first walked into the restaurant it was SO loud! Loud noise makes me want to cringe! My device started to produce some muffled feedback so as soon as we sat down, I pulled out my remote and adjusted my device from C3 to A3. This significantly reduced the feedback that I was experiencing from all of the background noise. I actually have the ability to turn down my hearing aids as well. However, one of the (many) limitations of hearing aids is that by doing this, you are turning down the volume on EVERYTHING. Including peoples' voices. 

When I turned down my Esteem, it was amazing that I was actually able to hear Fraser better. Adjusting my remote turned down the background noise so that it was at a manageable level, but did not interfere with my ability to hear and understand Fraser when he was talking. I cannot remember the last time Fras and I went out to eat and it was this effortless. Before my implant, I would get so frustrated about not being able to hear and constantly having to ask Fras to repeat himself. I think it was also frustrating for Fras too to have to continually repeat himself. He says this doesn't bother him, but come on. We all know it is annoying. So, sometimes, it was easier to just not talk very much when we went out to eat. I bet you are wondering, "What's the point of going out to eat then?". Well, that is why we stopped eating out and if we did, we would go at odd hours of the day when there would be less of a crowd. 

Everything about this lunch was just easier and more natural between us. I do not think that either of us shut up the entire lunch! You could tell that we were both just so happy, laughing hysterically, and just having a good 'ol time. Just like we used to. Seriously, I am still glowing right now. Is this how a date with your husband is supposed to be? Is this how couples are supposed to feel? This was just the right medicine for our marriage!

While this was unbelievable, I think the most amazing part of lunch was my ability to not only hear but actually understand the football announcer talking on the TV. Whenever Fraser and I would go out to eat, Fras would always take notice of music that was playing in the background. I wouldn't even know music was playing most of the time! Even if he directed my attention to it and I focused really hard, I would still not be able to hear it. Look at me now! I was watching football and hearing the announcer on the TV. Fras said the TV was pretty loud but I don’t care. I heard it! What is a bit odd about this situation is that, at home, I can barely hear the TV and am still pretty dependent on subtitles. I wonder why I was able to hear this TV so effortlessly.

Today was amazing and has really connected Fras and I in a new way. I feel so grateful for all of the love and support he has given to me over the last 7 years of our life together. He has been my crutch and has taught me so many things about the person I want to be. While we have had our ups and downs, I truly think I would be lost without him in my life. I am SO looking forward to my new world of communication and all of the new adventures we will now be able to experience because of the Esteem implant. I am telling you people, this device is a miracle!

I Love the Different Sounds a Phone Makes

Last week, the sound I found most amazing was toilets. Yes, toilets. Each one makes a different noise when they are flushed! The sound of water swishing around in the toilet bowl is also different among toilets and depends on the amount of water pressure there is. This noise is also VERY loud and still takes me by surprise from time to time. I am again scared to flush the toilet if I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, as I was when I was a kid. I am sure people think this is crazy but seriously, really listen next time you go to the bathroom and you will see what I am talking about and how cool, but also scary, this really is.

This week, the different sounds a phone makes really amazes me. 

First of all, do you know how many different ring tones there are out there? Before my implant, I could barely hear the sound of a phone ringing. Even with my hearing aids in. Even when a phone was right in front of me or in my purse. Each phone I heard ringing sounded the same to me and I never really thought anything of this sound. Well, except for frustration that most ring tones are so high pitched that I am unable to hear them! Gosh. There have been countless occasions in which I would miss out on hearing the phone ring. At work, I have been in meetings where my colleagues phone would ring and I would be too busy talking or taking notes that I would not take notice of this sound at all. If I was talking, I would have to be interrupted so that they were able to answer the phone call. 

Same type of thing has happened when hanging out with friends. I would just be doing my own little thing and everyone around me would stop talking and stare at me like I was crazy or something. They would ask, “are you going to get that?”. I would not even know what they were talking about until I saw them looking at the phone and realized it was ringing. Sometimes Fras would have to intervene to save me from looking like a complete idiot and would just hand me the phone. These are moments I would replay in my mind and think to myself, “How embarrassing? How did I not hear that?”. 

Now, I can actually hear a phone ringing as well as tell the difference between other people's ring tones. It is quite amazing. I was actually in a conversation with someone at work today, when my phone rang. I was talking and actually heard the phone ringing. Tonight I will replay this moment in my mind and instead of feeling anxiety, sadness, and stress, I will go to bed thinking what a miracle this is and how fortunate I truly am to have this implant. 

Another cool thing about phones is how each number has a slightly different tone. I noticed this today when I was checking my messages at work. First of all, dialing a phone is SUCH a high pitched noise that it is no wonder I was not able to pick up on this before my implant. All of the numbers sounded the exact same to me! When I heard this, memories of my childhood started to fill my mind. When I was a kid, I loved music!

One of my favorite things to do was to make music by dialing the numbers on the phone. My speciality in "phone music" was Hot Crust Buns. How did I forget that this was possible? My forgetting this may have sometime to do with the time that I accidentally called 911...Not exactly the music I was trying to make. I think this was the last time I was allowed to make music on the phone. 

While I am enjoying the noises a phone makes, I cannot say that I am having the same feelings towards actually talking on the phone. It is much easier for me to hear on my cell phone compared to my work phone or land line phones in general. I felt the same about this when I just had my hearing aids. It is interesting because I hear much better with my Esteem when I talk on my cell phone. However, when I listen with my Esteem on my work phone, everything sounds a bit distorted and I often have to switch the phone to my hearing aided ear in order to follow along in conversation. 

I wonder why this may be? I am hoping that this will get better with time and practice, as I am learning how to hear in a new way. I am not sure why I went into this journey thinking that my hearing would change and be "normal" overnight. Think about it. It takes children a couple of years just to learn how to talk, listen, and communicate. Once these skills are developed, they spend, literally, the rest of their lives enhancing and building upon these skills. The process of hearing is continuous. As you get older, you grow and mature. Well, so does your ability to hear. 

As I am writing this I am beginning to realize what a long journey this will be for me. And I cannot wait for the ride!

Sounds of the Night

There are generally so many noises at night, that I do not know how I ever slept before my implant. My nights used to be so quiet and peaceful and now they are filled with noise. And lots of it. How do people sleep at night with all of this noise!!

• Squeaky noises of the mattress
• The bed banging against the wall as we toss and turn in our sleep
• Our heating system turning on and off throughout the night
• Rufus getting up in the middle of the night to drink water (and sometimes to go to sleep in the basement. This dog is ALL over the place at night - my husband says this is normal but I had no clue)
• My hubby breathing loudly (found out that he is NOT a snorer... thank god!)
• Car doors slamming
• Rufus barking early in the morning so we will let him outside

I sure hope these noises become more commonplace because I am having a very difficult time sleeping at night. Don't get me wrong, I am totally loving this, but, a girl has got to get her beauty rest. :)


This morning, the craziest thing happened. Well not crazy but it totally scared the heck out of me. At about 5 am, I was awaken by this loud crashing noise and literally flung up in bed. "What the heck was that?", I thought to myself. Right now in my hearing journey, I am having a lot of difficulty with directionality of sound. When I hear something, I am not always sure where or from whom the sound is coming from. I started shaking Fras, but trying to wake that boy up is a lost cause sometimes so I just got up and started to walk around. There it was again! This was going to bug the heck out of me if I didn't find out what was going on. 


I went into our second bedroom which opens up to our deck and backyard. I opened the french doors and Rufus flew past me towards the fence that separates our backyard from the alley behind our house. My eyes followed him as he pranced through the yard and started barking. It was the garbage truck emptying a weeks worth of garbage. Can you believe that? Since I am not able to sleep with my hearing aids in, I had very little hearing during the night and upon waking up in the morning. I cannot even remember the last time that I heard this noise so loud and clear. Amazing.

One Week Activation Anniversary

HAPPY ONE WEEK ANNIVERSARY TO ME! My Envoy Esteem device has officially been activated for one whole week! I turned up the device to C3 today. WOW. One week and I am almost through the programming! Is this good or bad? I asked the Envoy Technician and she said that she was happy I was progressing so quickly, and said “NO!”, I am not progressing too quickly!


I also scheduled my readjustment appointment for December 19th. My two month marker would have been December 26th but they allowed me to schedule this a little bit earlier. What a WONDERFUL Christmas present this will be for me! I was told that this appointment is really focused around making it easier for me to understand sound (especially voices) and programming the device to be optimal in environments that are difficult for me. The technician even told me she will bring music so we can test the device to see how it sounds. Live music sounds great, but music on the radio sounds a bit distorted and if something is too loud, it comes off a bit squeaky almost. 


Oh man! I seriously cannot wait! And I am SO happy that I am able to be readjusted before the socialness of the holidays! I wonder if it will be easier than last year...


Last year we celebrated Christmas at my oldest sisters house and I remember it being very difficult for me to hear. My family is very close and we can always find fun in anything that we do as long as we are together!! Everyone gets really into games and so we decided to play the game Catch Phrase. I LOVE, well used to love, this game. For those who have not played this game before, you have this circular game piece:

You pick a category and a word will pop up on the screen. You have a certain amount of time to make your team guess what the word is on the screen. So if my word was "Sweater", I may say something like, "This is a piece of clothing you put on when you are cold." Obviously, the words are a little more challenging than this but you get the picture.


Anyways, while you are trying to get your team members to guess the word, the game beeps slowly and then very rapidly when you are about to run out of time. When it was my turn, I would ramble on and on, even when the buzzing had stopped, because, well, I couldn't hear it. People with hearing loss, in a way, have selective hearing. This may not be the best way to describe it, but it is the only thing I can think of at the moment. If we are not focused on the noise, chances are we don't hear it. Our attention has to be focused on the source of the sound we want to hear at all times. I have also been diagnosed with ADHD, which, I think, factors in to my hearing comprehension sometimes so you can probably imagine how difficult it is for me to focus my attention and how much energy it does take me to be in a conversation. 


When we were playing this game, I was so focused on the game that I would go off on these little tangents oblivious to the fact the buzzer had stopped. Everyone would stop guessing and be like “Als, your out of time”. My family is very athletic and so we all grew up playing competitive sports. Growing up in this environment give you a little bit of a competitive edge. Obviously, no one likes losing, but in my family, we REALLY do not like losing. Me especially. I'm stubborn. My husband once beat me in the 007 James Bond game on Nintendo 64 and I was so mad that I literally did not talk to him the whole day. I couldn't even look at him. He thought it was hilarious. Every time he would see me, he would just look at me and smile, which, obviously, just pissed me off more. We now look back and laugh about this moment but we learned one very important lesson about our relationship that day: We must always play for the same team, no matter what the game. Even the game of life.


Anyways, I was in such a competitive state of mind that I didn't have my attention on the buzzer, but instead on winning the game. So, I just kept missing it going off. Actually, I do not think I was even able to hear it buzzing at all over the sound of my own voice and other voices trying to guess the word. One of the (many) limitations of hearing aids is that they just amplify sound and make it very difficult to distinguish and filter noises. Either all of the sounds come together as one muffled noise, or the loudest sound in the room (my voice in this situation) overbears all other sound. This is part of the reason noisy situations are so difficult for hearing impaired individuals; background noise is so loud that we cannot hear the people we are trying to have a conversation with. 


I am very comfortable with my family but it is still so embarrassing when this type of things happens to me. It just hurts my heart. Fraser and I did not spend Christmas together last year and I know if he was there he would have seen the look on my face and it would have broken his heart too. I remember thinking to myself that night, "Gosh. Why can't I just be normal and have fun and be able to hear like everyone else?". At this point in my life, I honestly cannot imagine a social life that is easy because it has been so difficult to communicate in these situations for so long. 

I am not exactly sure why I started to reflect on some of these more negative moments in my life because as I am writing this I am almost in tears. I don’t want to be sad about the things I do not have. I want to be happy for every wonderful thing in my life right now. I DO have SO much to thankful for! Yes, a week into this journey, social situations are still pretty difficult for me. However, being able to hear so many sounds again has given me an incredible amount of hope and truly makes me the happiest girl in the whole world. Every day is like Christmas and every night is like Christmas Eve because each day I experience the miracle of sound and each night I get to look forward to the new noises tomorrow will bring. I think that hearing and experiencing new sounds reminds me of what I was not able to hear before my implant and it makes me empathize with others who are struggling to get by with hearing loss. It really is a struggle just to get up in the morning and face a day of ambiguity and stress of not being able to hear.

I just want to end by saying how thankful I am for my kind, loving, and supportive family who I will be able to spend Christmas with knowing that I will be able to hear better than last year. 

Hearing Loss and Negative Thinking

Each day I experience new sounds it becomes more difficult to focus at work.  I used to be a very social creature who loved to hang out with friends and talk on the phone. As my hearing has rapidly decreased over the last 9 years, I found myself withdrawing from social situations because it became too hard for me to keep up in conversation. For most people, being around others is a positive and uplifting feeling. For me, it is work. I have to focus 100% of my energy just to be able to hear and follow along in conversation. For example, going over to a friends house to relax and watch TV is exhausting for me. I can either have a conversation with you, watch TV, or lay down and relax. I CANNOT do all of three of these things at once! I physically cannot do it! Even if I try 110% to hear someone, I, more often than not, leave the conversation with anxiety and feeling like an idiot. I often find myself replaying conversations in my head wondering if I heard and interpreted the other person correctly. I think to myself how awkward and dumb I am for not being able to hear other people. This vicious little cycle started and soon developed into social anxiety and later, social withdrawal. I slowly lost touch with friends and family. The worst thing about it is that I never really fully explained to them what was going on in my head and why I just faded from their lives. What would you think if someone did this to you with out explanation or warning?


My rapidly decreasing hearing loss and social withdrawal was very difficult for me to deal with so I knew I had to find a way to feel positive about myself in some way, shape, or form. This is when I started to indulge myself into work because, well, it was the one place that I actually felt “good” about myself. I worked hard and people praised me for it. I was recognized for my strengths, not my faults. I felt needed and part of something. It felt good. However, in the last 4 years I have become a bit of a workaholic. My life revolves around my career. My work has taken over my life. Since I wasn’t able to hear and be happily social with others, I felt that I did not have much to offer to other people except for my hard work and time.

I can think of thousands of occurrences over the last decade in which I would feel bad about myself for not being able to hear in a certain situation. Can you imagine wasting your day wondering if you will hear something or not? Worrying that you may not be able to hear or understand someone in conversation and meetings? Contemplating if you should go the grocery store in fear that you will not be able to hear the cashier when you checkout?  Spending your nights in bed unable to sleep because you are worried about what embarrassing social interaction will happen tomorrow? 


I mean WHAT A FREAKING WASTE OF A DAY!!! WHAT A WASTE OF TIME!!! 


I am not going to lie, I sometimes find myself thinking about these things, but these thoughts no longer corrupt my mind as they used to. It is amazing how much optimism this surgery has given me to know that I am better than this. I know that I CAN have the life that I want and thought was not obtainable anymore. I have the power to change my life and it all starts with a positive thought and the want to get it. It is no wonder they call this implant “Esteem” because it really has helped build my self-esteem and I am so thankful that I was able to receive this surgery and now have the confidence to move past this way of thinking and begin to live my life, happily, less stressed, and less exhausted from the negative thoughts that surrounded my life before. So, a special "thanks" to Envoy for inventing the Esteem and helping me find the person I want to be and the person I always knew I was. THANK YOU!

First Day with my Envoy Esteem Implant Activated

Today, my Envoy Esteem implant was activated and it was probably the most emotional day of my entire life. I didn’t know it was possible to experience so many emotions in just one day. I want to capture all of my pure emotions so that I never forget how incredible today was. Wow. I do not even know where to start, so I will just start here.

I have a remote to turn my device on and off and it has to be placed directly over the device, which is right behind my ear (you can feel it if you touch it).  The Envoy Technician said that sometime it takes a couple of tries to get it to turn on, but I got it on my first try. When it was turned on, the first thing that I heard was my own voice and it was super loud. I never really knew what my voice sounded like until today. I sound a lot more nasally than I ever realized. I couldn’t believe how loud everything was. The sound I heard was a lot more natural than I expected it to be but still very different than what I am used to hearing through my hearing aid. Everything sounded so loud that it almost sounded a bit echoy, like I was in a tunnel or something where every single sound in the room was bouncing back and forth. I started to cry because I haven’t heard anything this loud and clear in a LONG time. I started to hyperventilate a little bit and could barely catch my breath! That’s when I heard myself breath for the first time. Wow. I didn’t realize how loud this sounds. Just the thought of how amazing this moment is made me laugh, which was REALLY overwhelmingly loud. This made me cringe a bit! Then I started to talk again and realized again how nasally I sounded. I decided I needed a tissue to blow my nose. Again… WOW that’s loud! Was all of this really happening to me? I couldn't believe it!

When I finally came back to reality, I realized I heard crying and sniffling but this time it wasn’t me… I looked over at Fras, Mom, and Dad and they were crying and sniffling.  I not only was hearing myself, I was hearing them too without even having to look at them! I got up and hugged and kissed Fraser. KISSING IS SO LOUD AND GROSS AND WEIRD. Still having a little bit of trouble with this... Once I sat back down, I took a sip of water and I heard the water swishing around in the bottle, I heard the bottle crinkle as I was holding it, I heard myself swallow. Gosh, I am a loud drinker. I wonder if all of these things I was hearing bother other people and are loud to them too. Fraser started asking me what I could hear, and I was able to answer him without even looking at him. This was all so overwhelming for me and my brain started to freak out.

So, the first part of my appointment was having the device turned on. After this, they have to run some test on the device to make sure that everything is working properly. While they were doing this and adjusting the settings, I started to hear a "wooshing" noise in the room. I started to panic because I thought this was feedback from the device. After testing this, we soon realized that what I was hearing was actually the heat blowing! I had actually heard this and noticed when it turned on! I can't remember the last time I took notice of this! As part of the testing and reprogramming, they have to turn off the device and then reprogram it to "minimal gain" because, well, everything is just so overwhelmingly loud at first. When they turned it to "minimal gain", things started to sound a bit hallow and distorted so they had to reprogram it a couple of times to make this go away. The best way I can explain my sound distortion is that whenever a sound is "too loud" for my device, it sounds like what you would hear if you were talking on speaker phone and it was too loud. So the Envoy Technician basically had to turn down the volume as well as eliminate certain tones and ranges of sound so that I am not getting this type of distortion. Once my brain adjusts to the device, I will be able to hear at these levels without this distortion.

During the reprogramming, I found that voices and noises were not as loud as they were at first and I was having a difficult time hearing conversations going on across the room. This made me very upset and I started crying again. I went into this process thinking that my life would change drastically after the device was activated, and while I am still hearing so many new sounds, why was I still having this much trouble understanding and comprehending what people were saying? During the activation appointment you go from hearing all of these new noises so loud and clear when they first turn it on, to being reprogramed to "minimal gain" where you are back to wishing your hearing were better. 

All of the cameras were on me and I was starting to feel overwhelmed. [On a side note, I should mention that the Oprah Network filmed my activation and did a segment on me for a show called "Found" premiering in February 2012. Essentially, it is about me "finding" my hearing again.] I wanted to ask questions and express my concerns to the Envoy Technician but since it was being filmed, the producer was also butting in and trying to get the "shot" that she needed (e.g., close up of me holding up the device to my ear). I took one look at Fraser and he already knew what I was thinking so he politely asked the producer and film crew to leave so that I could focus on talking to the Envoy Technician  oppose to helping the producer “get the shot” that she needed. I felt absolutely awful about this, but I just couldn't handle the pressure anymore!

Once everyone started to clear out of the room, I felt like I was a volcano about to erupt so I asked mom to go to the bathroom with me. Before I even made it to the bathroom, I began to cry hysterically. My mom just held me, comforted me, and wiped my tears until I calmed down. I went to the bathroom and heard myself pee. As gross as this is, the sound was just so loud and different than I remember that I actually flinched and stopped peeing for a second. When I flushed the toilet, it scared the heck out of me! No wonder I was scared of the toilet flushing at nighttime when I was a child! Hearing these new sounds so loud and clear in the bathroom lifted my spirits and gave the emotional energy to get through the rest of the appointment.

I was able to finish my appointment without the distraction of the producer and film crew. The Envoy Technician made some more program adjustments and everything started to sound a bit more natural but I was still having a difficult time understanding people at a distance from me. The Envoy Technician assured me that what I experienced today is completely normal (emotional breakdown and all!) and that it will take some time for my brain to adjust to the Esteem and learn how to hear again. This is a gradual process that takes time; it will take about 6 months and multiple re-adjustments until my hearing is optimal. 

Before I left, I learned how to use the remote control (see picture below). 

There are 3 different programs: a, b, and c. Each program has 5 volume settings. While there is some overlap across the programs, each volume setting is a 3 decibel increase. I was told that 3-5 decibels is the average sound the human brain can “take” in one day without producing feedback and completely overwhelming me. They started me at A3 and told me to adjust the device every 3-5 days, which I will do until I reach C5. During my re-adjustment appointment, they will re-program my device and remote for different settings (i.e., quiet settings, loud settings, etc.) based on my experience over the next two months. Part of the reason they start everyone at "minimal gain" is so our brain can learn to "hear" again. It is important for me to get used to hearing the sounds directly around me, such as my voice, chewing, swallowing, etc., before they open up new ranges and tones.  

After my appointment ended, I spoke with the producer to see if I could reschedule my post-interview with them once I was able to emotionally compose myself and get through the emotions of today. Everyone was (surprisingly) very understanding and so grateful that I shared this special moment with them. They told me that what I did today was very brave and will touch and change the lives of many people living with hearing loss. Thinking about this right now, I honestly cannot believe that I had the courage to share my story and let complete strangers film such an emotional and personal moment in my life. I have always been very secretive and private about my hearing loss (some people don't even know that I am hearing impaired!) and I will be sharing this with the whole freaking world!!

I left the appointment in a very overwhelmed and emotional state, especially since I felt so terrible about not finishing my day with the film crew. My appointment was held in a very large and confusing building in downtown Denver with multiple parking garages so it took us about an hour to find our parking place. Once we got to the car, I went to grab my phone and couldn't find it! After endless searching, we found it in a puddle of water under the car (go figure!). We started driving and my navigator was sending us to dead ends and AHHH I just wanted to get the heck home at this point!!  My appointment ended at 3:30 and we did not arrive home until almost 6:00 pm! DINNER TIME! Fras and I picked up some burger from one of my favorite places on the way home. While I was waiting in the car for Fras to run in and get the food, I called mom. It was weird, because when she started talking I actually had to turn down the volume so I could hear her. With my hearing aids, I would keep pressing the volume up button throughout the entire conversation even when it was on the highest volume! I was always trying to find a way to make it louder! I did still have some trouble understanding her but it was much better than I ever did with my normal ear or hearing aids.

I was so nervous before my activation appointment that I couldn't eat so when we finally got home I was starving! This is when I heard myself chew for the first time in as long as I can remember. As I was chewing, all I could think about was how weird and gross this noise was. I felt self-consious and kept looking around to Fraser and my parents to see if they could hear the smacking of my lips. When I took a bite of a crunchy french fry, all other noises around me became invisible and my ears flooded with crunching. Fraser was talking to me and I had NO idea what he was saying. He assured me that when he is eating something crunchy the same thing happens to him.

While hanging out after dinner, I heard stomping. It was Rufus coming up the stairs of the basement! When he approached the living room, I could hear the tags of his collar clinking together and his tail "tap, tap, tap" against the coffee table in excitement! Dad, of course, was making a cocktail and dumping the ice into his glass and I heard him loud and clear across the HOUSE!! Everywhere I walked in my house I heard the creaking of the hard wood floors. 

Before bed I decided to clean up and take a shower. I have severe to profound hearing loss, so without my hearing aids, cannot hear much of anything in the shower. With my esteem, I heard EVERYTHING... the "pitter-patter" of the water hitting the tub, the sound of water filling and emptying in my ear, the "whack" of soapy water hitting the shower door as I lather my body in soap. I cupped my hands together and heard the water splashing into my hands. I heard some squeaky noise as I rubbed the water on my face and lathered my hair with conditioner. Then all of a sudden I heard someone talking. I couldn't understand what was being said so I called out, "Fraser? Are you talking to me?" A few seconds later he popped his head in. "Could you hear me talking in the bedroom?” I replied, “Yes, were you talking to me?". He said, "No, I was talking to my mom on the phone. I can't believe you actually just heard that!". Please note that we had this conversation while I was rinsing my hair (not reading lips). I heard him and actually understood him. I also was able to hear Fraser whistling and running around the house with Rufus. I never EVER would have been able to hear ANY of this before my my implant! SO COOL! [Totally off topic, but I just sighed as I am writing this and I heard myself breath. What a wonderful sound.]. I spent a good hour in the shower just soaking up all of the new noises I was experiencing. I think water trickling is one of the most beautiful and peaceful noises in the entire world. I never wanted this moment to end.

What I am hearing at home tonight is completely different than what I heard at my activation appointment earlier today. Every second is different and a learning experience for my brain. My hearing aid and Esteem also sound different and are picking up on different types of noises. Right now my hearing aided ear (right) is picking up on more distant noises than my Esteem is set to hear. My Esteem ear is picking up on what is going on directly around me (my voice, my breathing, my swallowing, etc.).

I went into this experience expecting that my hearing would be back to "normal" today and I was, at first, very disappointed to realize that it is going to take time to be able to hear again. However, experiencing all of these new noises has been absolutely amazing and has already changed my outlook on life in so many ways! I have all the confidence in the world that this is my miracle and that this is the beginning of my new life.