Life with One Ear...

... is not fun. I feel uneven. I feel incomplete. I feel null and void. I feel like a large piece of me is missing. The left side of my body feels like a black hole that is going to suck me in. It is like sound cannot be decompressed. It cannot be processed. It comes in through one ear and the pressure just builds and builds until I feel as if my head is going to explode.

My tinnitus is back. I haven't experienced this sensation in over a year! To hear a constant ringing is just plain annoying. It is making it difficult for me to sleep. It makes a lot of things difficult. Like conversation. I cant hear myself speak. I cant even hear myself think for christ sake. This sensation is all-consuming and not in a good way. Once the ringing starts, it is near impossible to make it go away. I try plugging my fingers in my ear to make this horrific noise go away. It won't. As I lay in bed writing this, I wonder if this offbeat symphony will ever go away.

Life with one ear, and not a great one, is just plain awful. I did not expect things to be as hard as they have been. I do not know how on earth I ever did this for 8 weeks after my initial surgery. Looking back, I do not remember it being that bad, which is probably why I thought 2 weeks would be a piece of cake. It's not. It's just plain torture.

I hate not being able to hear well; it makes my heart feel like it is going to explode. I hate that I feel frustrated all the time. I hate that it makes me snappy. I hate that I cannot have a conversation without putting 300% energy into hearing one sentence. I hate that I have to ask "what?" 3 times before hearing something. I hate not being able to hear in the shower. I hate that my night is so silent and dead. I hate that I cannot talk with my husband in bed anymore. I hate that I cant hear the whispers of the wind.


To be completely honest, I think what I really hate is what my life is like without my Esteem. I have spent the last six months focused on the fact that there is a problem and I have put all my energy into finding a solution and just simply being heard. While this energy has been put to good use, I am realizing that I have lost sight of all the positive aspects the Esteem has brought to my life. It gave me hope. It made me believe in miracles. It gave me confidence to challenge myself, to be myself. It brought me out of my shell. It allowed me to, once again, have faith. To open my heart to the world again. It brought back my zest for life. It pushed me on the path to acceptance. 


It changed me.

I must always remember the day my Esteem was turned on. It was the day I became whole again.

Life is YOUR Choice

I have to say that the last year of my life has been quite a struggle. Hell, the last 6 month in itself of learning to hear again has been a spiraling journey of ups and downs. There are days that I feel on top of the world and others that make me want to just give up on this journey all together. While my implant has given me hope and improved my hearing on so many levels (and hopefully many more to come!), I do still have my "I cant hear very well" days where everything seems a blur. 

Sometimes when things do not seem to go right in our lives, we attribute our feelings to the situations in our life. And rightfully so... We wouldn't have to deal with the situation at all if life didn't throw it at us while we weren't even looking, right? While we may not be able to choose our life circumstances or how we initially feel about certain things that happen in our life, we DO have a choice about how we react to these unforeseen situations and how we let them affect how we live our lives and our overall happiness. 

Obviously, feeling sad, frustrated, angry, or depressed doesn’t feel good, so when it comes down to it, we have to ask ourselves, is it worth it? Is it so important that it is worth holding onto this negative energy? Letting it ruin your day? Letting it make you feel upset? No, it is certainly not! 

Yes, it is frustrating that I have to wake up every morning as a hearing impaired individual and go through my day wondering if I will be able to hear people or not. Yes, it is not fair that I have to live with a hearing disability, while I see friends my age being able to so effortlessly and happily live their life. I hate more than anything that it is difficult for me to keep in touch with and communicate with my loved ones. Sometimes I get SO mad at God when things get difficult. Why me?

However, what I have learned is that by holding onto this negative energy, the only person you are hurting is yourself. By being jealous of someone else's life or by being frustrated when you cannot hear someone, you are only hurting YOU! These feelings are truly a waste of energy that could be used to feel good about something. So, stop honing in on the negative, and boost up all the positive things that are happening in your life right now!

Always keep in mind that while you cannot control the crappy life circumstances that are thrown at you, you can control the level you take it too. If you take the time to explore whatever it is you are feeling, you will be able to better understand yourself, which will make it easier to learn from and let go of the negative experience that may be holding you back. With hardship comes growth, but only if we take the opportunity to learn from lifes' happenings. By focusing on the lesson instead of the struggle, we are bound to become wiser and happier individuals...