Life with One Ear...

... is not fun. I feel uneven. I feel incomplete. I feel null and void. I feel like a large piece of me is missing. The left side of my body feels like a black hole that is going to suck me in. It is like sound cannot be decompressed. It cannot be processed. It comes in through one ear and the pressure just builds and builds until I feel as if my head is going to explode.

My tinnitus is back. I haven't experienced this sensation in over a year! To hear a constant ringing is just plain annoying. It is making it difficult for me to sleep. It makes a lot of things difficult. Like conversation. I cant hear myself speak. I cant even hear myself think for christ sake. This sensation is all-consuming and not in a good way. Once the ringing starts, it is near impossible to make it go away. I try plugging my fingers in my ear to make this horrific noise go away. It won't. As I lay in bed writing this, I wonder if this offbeat symphony will ever go away.

Life with one ear, and not a great one, is just plain awful. I did not expect things to be as hard as they have been. I do not know how on earth I ever did this for 8 weeks after my initial surgery. Looking back, I do not remember it being that bad, which is probably why I thought 2 weeks would be a piece of cake. It's not. It's just plain torture.

I hate not being able to hear well; it makes my heart feel like it is going to explode. I hate that I feel frustrated all the time. I hate that it makes me snappy. I hate that I cannot have a conversation without putting 300% energy into hearing one sentence. I hate that I have to ask "what?" 3 times before hearing something. I hate not being able to hear in the shower. I hate that my night is so silent and dead. I hate that I cannot talk with my husband in bed anymore. I hate that I cant hear the whispers of the wind.


To be completely honest, I think what I really hate is what my life is like without my Esteem. I have spent the last six months focused on the fact that there is a problem and I have put all my energy into finding a solution and just simply being heard. While this energy has been put to good use, I am realizing that I have lost sight of all the positive aspects the Esteem has brought to my life. It gave me hope. It made me believe in miracles. It gave me confidence to challenge myself, to be myself. It brought me out of my shell. It allowed me to, once again, have faith. To open my heart to the world again. It brought back my zest for life. It pushed me on the path to acceptance. 


It changed me.

I must always remember the day my Esteem was turned on. It was the day I became whole again.