Sounds of the Mall

Today at work I had to attend another Webinar training. I had such high hopes that attending meetings at work would be easier for me, but the last training I attended left me feeling hopeless. I am happy to report that the quality of the sound ended up being much clearer than the first time which made the training much easier to follow. However, I was probably only understanding about 50% of what was being said. Learning to hear again is not a simple task. It is frustrating and overwhelming. It takes A LOT of patience. Patience that I am losing every time a situation is this difficult for me.

One of the most important things that Fraser has taught me is to speak up and be my own advocate about my hearing loss. However, sometimes I wish that I didn't have anything to speak up about. I wish I could have a normal life and be a normal employee. I hate, more than anything, that accommodations have to be made for me. Oh, everyone has to move so Alex can sit at the front of the room. People also have to communicate with me in different ways in order for me to hear.

As I left work, I felt so many negative emotions so decided to stop at the Mall on my way home. "Retail Therapy" is the cure to everything. I also knew I just needed to walk around and let go of the negative feelings that were surrounding me.

When I walked into the mall, my heart started to race because I was hearing SO many noises and all at once. 

• The sound of heels tapping across the floor
• The sound of people talking in the distance
• Music exploding from the ceiling
• Kids screaming as they sprinted past me to get to the play area

I honest to God felt like my head was going to explode. As I was walking, I kept cringing and looking over my shoulder to see what was going on around me. I felt a little paranoid. I do not think I passed more than 1 or 2 shops before I made a mad dash into Forever 21 to escape the madness. But this was much much worse! The music in this store was so loud and overbearing. The beat of the music soon matched the beat of my heart rapidly thudding underneath my shirt. As I got deeper and deeper into the store, my anxiety worsened. I couldn’t take it. I had to get the heck out of there. I honestly cannot remember what happened next but next thing I know I have my hands over my ears and I am running out of the store, out of the mall, into the garage, and into the safety of my car. Wow. That was the most overwhelming 7 minutes of my life. I think that this has to be some type of world record for the least amount of time spent in a mall.

While this week has been a bit discouraging for me in my ability to hear and understand people, as well as in my attempts to be “happily social”, I now understand why the Envoy Technician sets the devise at minimal gain for the first couple of months and only allows you to hear and get used a small range of sound. While my experience at the mall was overwhelming, it did give me more confidence in Envoy’s process. I feel like I have the strength to be patient and that everything will fall into place soon enough. If it doesn't then it is not the end. In very small increments, my life changes everyday and I have faith that things will get easier for me.

Helping my Marriage Blossom

Last week, Fraser and I decided that we wanted to start seeing a therapist to help give us the tools we need to overcome the many trials and tribulations that have presented themselves over the last couple of months. Some people think this is crazy since we have only been married for 6 months, but we have encountered more in the last couple of months than most people face in their first couple years of marriage. We love each other and want to be happy. We are not afraid to admit that we need a little extra push to help us get back on track. I am actually really proud that we have taken the step to do this because many couples wait until it is too late. Also, we now are gaining important skills and learning invaluable lessons that will help make our marriage work and last a lifetime.

While walking into our appointment, the sound of the cars flying by was piercing. I asked Fraser what he thought of this and this noise did not seem to bother him. However, this noise was so overwhelmingly loud for me that it overpowered Fraser's voice. I have also found that it is difficult for me to talk on the phone when I am near a busy street. I will have to tell the person on the phone to stop talking until all of the cars are out of site. I wonder if this will become more bearable with time. I wonder if this is something that I will need to learn how to "zone out".

Fraser and I could not be happier with our therapist. I have seen a couple of therapist in my lifetime and I have found that it is very difficult to find a therapist you can trust and connect with. It usually takes a couple of tries so we both feel so fortunate that we were able to find a good connection. 

Throughout the session, we both did A LOT of talking...Too much talking. She mentioned that we both have impeccable communication skills and that we have a gift that allows us to express what we are feeling. However, what we learned is that one of our biggest issues as a couple stem from our "listening skills" and "need to be heard".  While we are great communicators and able to express how WE feel, we are not listening to each other, and, because of this, we feel that we are not being heard by the other person. She gave us probably the most important pieces of advice we will ever learn about marriage and relationships. 


“Strive to listen before trying to being heard”  


"Where there is anger and hatred in a relationship, there exist fear, sadness, and loneliness"


We also were able to talk about some of the pent up resentment we have developed towards each other and I think it was just nice to finally digest all we have been through in the last couple of months. Overall, we are both very pleased with how everything went. While we still have many things to work out, we cannot believe how much we learned about our relationship in just one session. We are both so hopeful and cannot wait to live the happy lives we both want and deserve. One of the most wonderful things about marriage is that you have a partner for life. You never have to face anything alone because you always have that person by your side to get you through all of the tough times. However, one of the most difficult parts of marriage is learning to put the needs of your spouse before your own while also letting your emotions/needs be known. We have a long way to go in achieving a marriage like this, but we sure do feel confident in our ability to work through this!

A Discouraging Meeting

To start off my day at work, I had a Webinar training to attend. Our team was set up to view this training together as a group and this was very very difficult for me, to say the least. The sound coming from the phone was a bit distorted and almost sounded like a bad cell phone connection. I asked my colleagues if this was the case but everyone felt that the sound was clear. I guess it was just me and my Esteem. I thought that this may be because the volume on my Esteem was too loud but the quality of sound was not fixed by my multiple readjustments throughout the meeting. 

I was obviously very upset (and confused) about why this was happening to me so after the meeting, I talked to the team lead to express my concern. She mentioned that the content being discussed was complicated in general and that the trainer was a bit difficult to follow. The best way to explain this mans voice was that his sentences would start out loud and clear, but then would slowly slowly decrease into a soft mumble that was near impossible for me to hear. Every sentence was sort of like this:

Started at a loud volume and then slowly decreased to nothing…

This, along with "mumblers" and "mouth coverers", are the hearing impaired's worst nightmare! 

I was also having a difficult time hearing the other 5 people in the room with me. At this point in my journey, my Esteem has a very difficult time picking up on peoples' voices at a distance. I know that my Esteem is limited to certain tones and ranges until my next readjustment appointment, but this was WAY more difficult than I expected and imagined it to be. This was the first large meeting I attended since my activation and this experience made me feel a bit discouraged and frustrated. 

When I returned to my office, I had a voicemail. Through my Esteem ear, the voice on the message was distorted as it was during my training. Interestingly, when I switched it to my hearing aided ear, the distortion went away and it was almost clearer for me. I could, surprisingly, more easily comprehend with my hearing aided ear. I emailed the Envoy Technician about my concern and she suggested that I play around with the device settings to see which setting is the easiest for talking on the phone. She also told me that this is something we can practice and work on during my readjustment appointment next month. Hopefully, we will be able to get this figured out.

While today was a bit discouraging for me, I have to keep reminding myself to stay positive and think of all of the amazing sounds I am now able to hear and experience. This process takes time and I am confident that things will get better and easier for me. This was the first large meeting I have attended since my activation and the first time doing anything is difficult. I just need to continue to put myself out there and get all the practice that I can. Practice makes perfect!

Lunch Date Hearing

Fras and I just got back from lunch and you will not believe what I was able to hear! 

We went to this sports bar right around where I work and it was packed with people watching the football games. When I first walked into the restaurant it was SO loud! Loud noise makes me want to cringe! My device started to produce some muffled feedback so as soon as we sat down, I pulled out my remote and adjusted my device from C3 to A3. This significantly reduced the feedback that I was experiencing from all of the background noise. I actually have the ability to turn down my hearing aids as well. However, one of the (many) limitations of hearing aids is that by doing this, you are turning down the volume on EVERYTHING. Including peoples' voices. 

When I turned down my Esteem, it was amazing that I was actually able to hear Fraser better. Adjusting my remote turned down the background noise so that it was at a manageable level, but did not interfere with my ability to hear and understand Fraser when he was talking. I cannot remember the last time Fras and I went out to eat and it was this effortless. Before my implant, I would get so frustrated about not being able to hear and constantly having to ask Fras to repeat himself. I think it was also frustrating for Fras too to have to continually repeat himself. He says this doesn't bother him, but come on. We all know it is annoying. So, sometimes, it was easier to just not talk very much when we went out to eat. I bet you are wondering, "What's the point of going out to eat then?". Well, that is why we stopped eating out and if we did, we would go at odd hours of the day when there would be less of a crowd. 

Everything about this lunch was just easier and more natural between us. I do not think that either of us shut up the entire lunch! You could tell that we were both just so happy, laughing hysterically, and just having a good 'ol time. Just like we used to. Seriously, I am still glowing right now. Is this how a date with your husband is supposed to be? Is this how couples are supposed to feel? This was just the right medicine for our marriage!

While this was unbelievable, I think the most amazing part of lunch was my ability to not only hear but actually understand the football announcer talking on the TV. Whenever Fraser and I would go out to eat, Fras would always take notice of music that was playing in the background. I wouldn't even know music was playing most of the time! Even if he directed my attention to it and I focused really hard, I would still not be able to hear it. Look at me now! I was watching football and hearing the announcer on the TV. Fras said the TV was pretty loud but I don’t care. I heard it! What is a bit odd about this situation is that, at home, I can barely hear the TV and am still pretty dependent on subtitles. I wonder why I was able to hear this TV so effortlessly.

Today was amazing and has really connected Fras and I in a new way. I feel so grateful for all of the love and support he has given to me over the last 7 years of our life together. He has been my crutch and has taught me so many things about the person I want to be. While we have had our ups and downs, I truly think I would be lost without him in my life. I am SO looking forward to my new world of communication and all of the new adventures we will now be able to experience because of the Esteem implant. I am telling you people, this device is a miracle!

A Good Fight

On Saturday, Fras and I got into a little bit of a tiff and so our morning was pretty much wasted being sad and upset. I am mad at fairy tails because marriage is a lot more difficult than anyone ever tells you. Shouldnt my mom have given me the heads up about the struggles you have to face? Shouldnt we be required to take a class on "the truth about marriage"? I love my husband more than anything and I do not know what I would do without him in my life but marriage is way different than I ever imagined. What we have been through in our first 4 months of marriage is crazy...

• Learning to be married
• Learning to communicate with a hearing disability
• Adopting and taking care of a rescue puppy
• Having less than a month to move and find a new house
• Preparing for a major surgery
• Recovering from a major surgery
• My hubby losing his job and being out of work for 2 months

Dealing with the normal stresses of a marriage are tough, but these extra struggles have led to such a build up of stress between us in the past 2-3 months. Excuse my pity party. I know things could be A LOT worse, and I am SOO grateful for all of the wonderful things in my life but life has just been pretty rough for us the last couple of months. During my surgery recovery I was completely deaf in my implanted ear and was only able to hear out of my hearing aided ear for two whole month. This has definitely affected our ability to communicate with each other. We are both so emotionally exhausted from dealing with these extra stresses of our lives and it takes A LOT some days to make that extra effort to really listen and really hear the other person. Sometimes it is easier to just not talk and zone out in front of the TV. Or just not talk about the raw emotions that we are truly feeling. Or just not talk about the little argument that we just had. Or not talk about the ways we really want this relationship to be. Communication is exhausting and takes extra energy for us. There are so many accommodations we BOTH have to make in order to make conversation work. Before my implant and especially during my surgery recovery, my husband would have to be within 5 feet of me and directly looking at me in order to have a real conversation. If he was in the basement and I was upstair, he wouldn't be able to just yell to ask me a question. I wouldnt even be able to hear him yelling! Also, all of the emotional struggles I have succumb dealing with my hearing loss has had an affect on the people in my life, especially my husband. When you love someone you truly feel everything little thing they are feeling and it takes a lot out of you. While living and breathing a life of hearing loss is difficult for the hearing impaired individual, it is also very difficult for the people closest to you. My husband knew me when my hearing was mild/moderate and knows the fun-loving, outgoing, "I dont care what anyone things of me" confident person I used to be. Watching me become so socially withdrawn hurts him just as much as it hurts me. The best thing about my relationship is our friendship and our love for each other. I know we will find a way to work through this just like everything else we have overcome in our 7 years together! As my mother always says... "Let go and let God."


Regardless of our not so positive morning, Fras and I went out to lunch with my parents and our friend Zach. I decided to take my parents to a little Italian Bistro near my work. SO Delish!! This was actually my very first experience in a resturant since my activation and I think I did pretty darn well. The resturant was not very busy and we did sit in a more private section but I felt that I was able to follow along with conversation much better than I ever did with my hearing aids. What I found to be most difficult was when Fraser, Dad, and Zach were having conversation while I was trying to talk and listen to my mom (across the table from me).  The boys sounded so loud and annoying! I sort of wanted them to shut up. ha ha!


During lunch, I asked them if other people talking bothered them. My dad said that my conversation with mom doesn’t bother him or interfere with his hearing because he just blocks out all other noise except for the conversation he is currently in. They all agreed and explained that my brain will need to learn how to shut out noise that I am not focused on. My poor brain is being overworked! 



I also asked them all what it sounded like when something was really loud and none of them could explain it. Well, that doesn’t help me too much in generalizing my hearing and determining what is "normal" and what I "should" be hearing. I asked them all to try to pay more attention to this because I really want to know if what I am hearing when it is loud is the same thing as they are hearing. Sometimes I wonder if the loudness I am hearing is because something is truly loud or if it is just some interference with my Esteem since I am not used to hearing a sound this loud.  


After lunch I took my parents to my office to show them around so they could see where I spend the majority of day! Nothing really new or exciting happened there, except for the fact that my dad had to walk into every single office (hello dad, invasion of privacy), my mom stole left over candy from our Halloween Party, and dad commented on how few males worked at my company (based on walking around and reading the names on the outside of each office door). ha ha. parents...


For dinner we went out to eat as well and that was MUCH MUCH more noisy than before. I definitely felt more comfortable being in a loud setting and felt that it was easier to follow conversation. I think I am generally more comfortable with my family in loud settings because they are more aware and accommodating to my hearing loss.


Fras and I are laying in bed as I am writing this and I feel like I am having difficulty understanding him so I decided that tomorrow I am going to turn up my Esteem again tomorrow.  A5 here I come!