Life Since Adjustment

Since my adjustment in December, things got off to a slow start due to being sick and the fluids in my ear, but for the last couple of weeks, things have been getting progressively better! I thought I would take a moment to reflect on how things have generally been going since my readjustment.


Until about 3 weeks ago, I was not able to turn my volume past 7. Every time I tried, I would get high pitched feedback. However, in the last 3 weeks I have been able to make it all the way up to volume 10 and I have to say I am LOVING the volume gain (I want even more!) and cannot express what a difference it makes! After going a month without being able to change the settings, I never thought that I would actually make it to this level! This is very exciting not only because of the volume gain I am getting but also because it means that I am healing and the fluids are starting to drain!


I found that I spend most of my time on the "A" profile, which is considered my "Everyday" setting. I have tried the other settings but this is the most comfortable for me in almost all situations. I am not really crazy about my "C" profile ("Music/TV Watching" setting). I feel like the sound of swallowing is so distracting it is difficult to focus on anything else. When I am on this profile I feel like my ears are going to explode. I have this weird ear popping sensation. It is almost like there is too much base which is making my ear feel lots of pressure. I have not been out too much in the last month, but my "B" profile (i.e., background noise setting) has been pretty great! I found that it works better at bars/clubs where the the loud noise is more constant than when out to dinner at a restaurant. I have actually preferred to stay on the A setting when I am out to eat.


I found that I am finally starting to gain some of the distant noises I have been wanting. I actually attended a lecture for work which took place in a large classroom. I was seated towards the back right and heard every word except when I was thinking about how surprised I was to actually be hearing!  So, I guess I missed a few parts but more of an attention issue than a hearing issue. However, this is still not "perfect". At the end of the lecture, there was Q and A. I did have trouble understanding other peoples' questions. It is weird that some voices can sound so loud, while others are too quiet. I wonder if something like this can be addressed in my next adjustment or if this is just the nature of speech?

Since my readjustment, I feel that I take much more notice to the sound of walking. Shoes hitting the floor. Legs rubbing together. I feel like I make such a commotion when I am walking around my office that it makes me want to tiptoe sometimes. Since our production room is right by my office, I have found myself very distracted by the sound of the printer. I often get so distracted that I have to close my door. Also, I noticed that the heat vents in my office make a squeaky noise when they are on and running. Not to say that I am not grateful but it is crazy how I never noticed this before because it can be quite annoying...

I feel like the dishwasher in our home gets increasingly loud every time I turn up my Esteem device. Being on volume 10, I found the dishwasher so loud that one time, I started yelling at my husband to stop using his electric saw in the basement. I was so confused! The sound was so loud that I thought it sounded like someone using heavy machinery. haha. 

I haven't been able to wear sun glasses for almost 6 months since the side of my head is still a bit tender when I put pressure against it. When I tried them out this week, I realized that it doesn't hurt anymore!

Well, that is all I can think of at the moment! 

YOU Have the Power to Control the Speed of Conversation

My auditory therapy for today consisted of two different exercises. For the first exercise, my therapist would say a word sound, such as “S” or “F” or “Ch” and I would have to say a word that started with that sound. So, if my therapist said “Sh”, I would say “Ship” or “Sheet”. For the second exercise, my therapist would read a sentence and I would have to tell her which word seemed off. The word that was off was very similar to what the correct word should have been. For example, “If you are cold, put on a coke.” This is my 3rd therapy session and I am still finding some of these exercises to be quite difficult for me. The second exercise was a little easier than the first since I had some contextual information to help me identify what the correct word. However, I am still having a difficult time differentiating between "g" and "d" sounds as well as between the "s", "f", and "th" sounds. It has only been 3 weeks since I started, so I do have a ways to go! Hopefully with more time and practice this will all become easier...

While chatting with my therapist after our session, she told me something very interesting.  She said that we actually have the ability to control the speed of our conversation. Have you every been around someone who is really laid back and talks really slowly? You can't help but notice that you start to become more relaxed yourself and you will find yourself talking at a slower pace. The opposite is true as well. If you talk quickly, that will boost the adrenalin of those around you leading them to also talk at fast pace. Obviously, someone talking fast is much more difficult to understand than someone who talks slowly. So, she told me that since I tend to talk fast, I should try to make a conscious effort to talk slower. While it does take time, practice, and a conscious effort, this tactic can actually help you better understand in conversations. Amazing! 

Be Grateful for All Sounds, Even the Annoying Ones

As I got into bed to start journaling, I was taken back by the sound of a neighbors car alarm. Wow! That is loud! It is 9:00 p.m. and so I am sure that all of the neighbors are super annoyed about this, but I am sitting here just taking in the sound, thinking how grateful I am that I can actually hear this. If I was sitting in bed without my hearing aids, there is no chance in hell that I would be able to hear this. Gosh, I don't think I would even be able to hear this with my hearing aids in! 

There are so many noises in the world that most people take for granted because they are too loud or annoying, like alarms, the sound of a computer mouse clicking, the sound of someone smacking their lips while they eat. But people should really be grateful that they have the ability to hear all of the amazing noises of the world. 

Through my journey I am coming to learn the power of gratitude. When you begin to look for all of the things you DO have in life, instead of all the things you DON'T have, you start to put your life in perspective. You start to think, "hey, my life is not that bad after all." From there you begin to appreciate all of the things you do have in life and you are finally able to see that everything you ever needed to be happy is right in front of you. Pretty powerful stuff, huh?

So, next time you want to get all worked up because the sound of something is annoying or too loud for your ears to handle, just take a moment to practice your gratitude for sound and the ability to hear. For someone who has been able to hear their entire life, this probably doesn't seem like something to be grateful for, right? But think about all the people out there who are not able to hear at all or who struggle to hear each and every day. Think about how difficult it is for people to communicate with their loved ones because they are not able to hear. Think about how hard people who have a hearing impairment have to work just to be able to follow in conversation. It's exhausting for us! 

Please, don't feel sorry for us. That's not what I am trying to get at here. All I am asking is for you to appreciate what you have. You are SO lucky that God has given you the ability to hear at a normal capacity so start to enjoy every little thing that comes along with it! Even those noises you find annoying...

Follow-Up On My Recent Hearing Test Results

I finally heard back from Michelle today. She said that she thinks the big reason why I saw worse results at my last visit was due to my illness and the fluid in my middle ear. She said that even a small amount of fluid could disrupt how the device works as well as my ability to hear. Between my allergies and getting over a cold, I was fighting quite a bit! She also mentioned that my hearing should improve as I continue to heal over the next couple of months, and that I should not be worried….just yet at least.

I had also asked her what type of results I should expect to see and she said that most patients see an average of 30-40 decibels of gain (that would still put me in the moderate loss range in the high frequencies). Before going into this, I was told that my hearing would be close to normal again, so this scared me a little bit. I was definitely expecting a greater overall gain. She said that it is still too early in the process to tell what my gain will be and that I need to be a bit more patient with the process.

Why do people keep telling me this?

In thinking about my lack of patience, I found a very inspiring quote:

“Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them - every day begin the task anew.”

Saint Francis de Sales

French Saint & Bishop of Geneva (1567 - 1622)

Although I must be patient with this process, I must also never give up on this life changing journey. I must not lose courage in this process when I am feeling down or things are not going my way. Everyday is a new day and an opportunity for a new beginning.

My New Years Resolution Is Acceptance

One of the most difficult things I have had to do in the past 10 years is to accept my hearing loss. I feel like I still have yet to fully come to terms with this as I do still become frustrated and sometimes have a difficult time speaking up about it.  I feel like every time I am around my sister, I become closer and closer to accepting my hearing loss.  My sister is a certified yoga instructor, but is currently working for a non-profit in New York called Reach Granada. She is very spiritual and has so much positive energy that just being around her makes you feel inspired, like you can conquered the world and that anything is possible. I wish I could see her everyday because I think its would help my tendency to think the worst of situations. For the last couple of years, she has been driving me to accept my hearing loss and become more open about it. However, in the past I kept closing her out and telling her “you just don’t understand”.

First of all, living with a hearing disability is not that easy. I am not sure which is worse: Being born with and having to live your entire life with a hearing disability OR adjusting to a whole new way of living after developing hearing loss later in life. There are probably thousands of reason why one is worse than the other, but my situation is the latter and that is what I can speak. However, I think it is safe to say that either way, living with hearing loss sucks!

For me, I am grateful for having had normal hearing during my childhood and adolescent. At least I have heard and have had the opportunity to experience sound. However, I do think I have had and am having a more difficult time adjusting to living with a hearing impairment compared to someone who was born with hearing loss. When you are born with a hearing disability, life with a hearing loss is all you know. You start sign language or speech therapy at a young age. You are used wearing hearing aids. You are used to talking about it with family and friends. Looking at this from an outside perspective, I feel like it would be a bit easier to cope with if I was born deaf.

It was not until high school that my hearing loss became noticeable and took a turn for the worst so I was able to hear fairly well for the first 17 or so years of my life. I had a glimpse of the “good life”.  I think what also made it difficult for me was that once I found out I had mild hearing loss in high school, my hearing decreased pretty rapidly over a 9 year period (on average, about 10 decibels per year).  Since this happened so quickly, I did not have a lot of time to process what was happening to me. It was not until a couple of years ago that I realized how much my hearing loss has affected my life and just how difficult it was for me to hear in situations. Once I acknowledged that I was a twenty something year old living with severe hearing loss, I was far from accepting it as the status quo of my life.

As I lost my hearing, I lost a lot of myself with it because I had such a difficult time accepting my hearing loss. Although I do not think I have reached full acceptance of my hearing loss, I am damn proud of how far I have come over the last couple of years and I owe a lot of that to my husband, family, and friends for their never ending support and unconditional love. I honestly do not think I would have made it out of this alive if it wasn’t for them.

I know my sister will never understand what it is like to live with hearing loss, just like I will never know what it is like to live with scar on my face (she was in an car accident about 5 years ago). Neither of us will ever understand each others situations because neither of us have lived a life in the others shoes. However, by driving me to accept my hearing loss, she wasn't trying to understand. She wasn't trying to force me to do something because she "thought it was easy". She was trying to release me from the pain. It wasn't until this Christmas when she said something really powerful to me that it all just clicked.

“You suffer when you choose not to accept your reality.”

Take a deep breath and really let this soak in. 

By not accepting the way things are, we are allowing ourselves to suffer; It is only when we accept, that we can find peace within ourselves. By not accepting my hearing loss, I am causing myself to suffer. By not accepting that my journey to hear again is a slow and vigourous process, I am causing myself to suffer. By getting frustrated that my progress with the Esteem is not smooth sailing as I expected, I am causing myself to suffer. We cannot move forward in life if we are suffering. We cannot overcome lifes struggles, when we are in this much pain. We will not be free from this pain until we accept the reality of our lives. 

Sounds simple, right? I accept my life and I will be happy.

Wrong! Unfortunately, like everything else in life, true acceptance takes time, energy, and hard work. The best things in life do not come easy. It takes not only our trust and faith in God, but also our trust and faith in ourselves. It takes inner strength we must reach from within to find. We must love ourselves for the person that we are today, not the person we were yesterday. Not the disability we cannot control. Not the financial plunders we are in. We must live life as it is. Do not worry about what happened yesterday or what will happen tomorrow. Live life today for what it is worth. Accept today for what it is, whether the situations you encounter are good or bad. GOD will give you the strength to overcome. You just have to have a little faith.

I do not know what the rest of my journey will be like. What struggles I will face. What crossroads I may come to. I will not worry about the embarrassing situations I encountered in the past because I was not able to hear. I will not focus on the situations in the past that made me feel bad about myself. My past situations do not define me and I will no longer let them hold me back in life. I have a new ear and I am ready to make the most use of it in 2012!  

In light of the new year, my New Years resolution is to find acceptance within myself, my life, my hearing, situations I encounter, all things in life.

Happy New Years! 

Road Trip To St. Louis

Fraser and I are spending the Christmas holiday with my family in St. Louis! 


We were planning to leave last night, but a huge snowstorm hit Kansas and parts of I-70 were closed so we decided it would be best to wait until today to start driving. I am glad that we decided to drive instead of fly because I heard that DIA (Denver International Airport) was PACKED and many flights were delayed. Nothing like spending 8 hours in the airport waiting for your flight to take off (yes, this has actually happened to me). 


Many people hate traveling by car, but I have come to love it! Growing up as a kid, my family drove everywhere when we went on vacation and, while it was not always the most pleasant experience, some of my favorite moments from childhood are from our family road trips. I think our longest drive was from St. Louis to Fort Lauderdale (~24 hours if I remember correctly), besides our family trip to visit colleges during the summer between my sisters Junior and Senior year of high school, which was a 10 day trip through the Midwest, up to New York, and down through most of the east coast. Many “Griswald” memories… Anyways, I was very excited for our road trip to St. Louis.

When we woke up this morning, my ears were hurting and kept feeling like they needed to pop. I kept holding my nose while swallowing but it just didn’t seem to do the trick. I had not taken my allergy medicine in almost a week so we had to take a little detour this morning to find a Walgreens that was open at 6:00 am!


I decided to take the first shift of driving because I was so excited to just listen to music with the open road in front of me. When I drove home from work yesterday, music on the radio sounded AMAZING! SO much different than it had sounded in the last two months. I didn’t experience any distortion and I was able to actually hear the different instruments. I was also able to hear the words well enough to later find the songs on itunes to download them for our road trip. However, driving on the highway while listening to music was quite different for me.

First of all, I was so overwhelmed by all of noises a car makes. Before my re-adjustment appointment, the sound of driving a car was mostly just a loud muffled noise. When I was driving today, I noticed that a car makes a different noise as you drive over different parts of the highway. Also, in certain parts I heard this constant “clunk-clunk”, which sounded almost like a horse galloping. I actually remember as a kid not being able to sleep in the car because I was so distracted by this on some parts of the highway. I would even sing songs in my head to the beat of this noise. I also took notice to the sounds that the car makes when it accelerates. It is weird how I never really noticed these little things before.

So, these car noises were a bit overwhelming for me and interfered with the sound of the music. It took a good 2 hours of trial and error to find the programming that would take away the background noise but also allow me to hear the music clearly. I think I tried each and every volume on each and every program setting. I also tried this in conjunction with adjusting the car stereo. 


My husband woke up while I was in the middle of trying to figure this out and told me that the quality of the music I have been downloading is really bad. It made me feel better knowing that it sounded a little crackly to him as well, but it is weird that I never noticed how poor the quality of my music was. Maybe that is why it sounded so bad before? It wasn’t until he plugged in his ipod that things sounded a bit more comfortable. Unfortunately, his ipod has thousands of songs and it is so difficult to sort through and find the ones I actually like!

I feel like each of my 3 program settings have their plus’s and minus's when it comes to listening to music, but none of them sounded “perfect” (if that is even possible). I feel like the programming that sounded the best for one song, was not always true for the next song. I found what worked best for me and produced the least amount of distortion was if I had my Esteem set lower and the volume in the car set higher. If I turned my Esteem past volume 3 on any of the programming, I would experience crackling distortion. What I found interesting was that when I did increase the volume past 3, the actual instrumentals sounded great, loud, and clear. It seemed that the voice of the singer or the cheering in the background (from albums recorded live from concerts) was what produced the distortion. So, after many hours of trying, I found C3 to be the “best” setting. While the noises of the car were a bit louder than I would have liked, I think the music sounded the clearest at this setting. 


I did talk to my husband about this and he said that when you are driving on the highway, it is just loud. That is the way it is. He explained that the noisiness of the car is what he hears too which is why he has to increase the volume so that he can hear it over the loud noises of the car. He also explained to me that more “basey” bands or singers with deeper voices are more difficult to hear since the sound of the car drowns out the music so he also has to adjust the volume depending on type of music he is listening to.

What I found to be pretty amazing is that songs were much easier for me to identify. Before my Esteem, it would take me at least 30 seconds to identify a song that was being played. I would first have to turn it very loud so that I could actually hear what the song was, and once I identified it, I would be able turn it down and then follow along more easily. So, I feel like I am actually hearing the music much better than I ever did before.

Right now, Fras is driving and listening to talk radio. This, for some reason, is not as clear on C3. I find that listening to talk radio and talking in the car is much easier on my “Background” settings. I found B7 to be the easiest for me to comprehend what was being said, of course when I put the effort in to do so.

I also want to mention one of the few benefits of having a disability. It can get you out of speeding tickets. I was a little speed demon when I was driving earlier today and got pulled over. With all of the cars flying by, I wasn’t able hear what the officers was saying so I kindly explained to him that I am hearing impaired, just got surgery, and was having a difficult time hearing him and asked if he could speak up. We started talking to him about the surgery and our plans for the holiday as I tired to find my license and registration. He went to his car and came back a minute later with a warning. Score! This is actually the third time I have played the "hearing impaired" card and gotten out of a ticket.

Hearing Test Results From First Adjustment

As I mentioned in my last post, I completed a hearing test during my re-adjustment appointment. This is probably one of my least favorite things in the world. I mean who likes to be tested and scored on something you know you are not very good at! Well, I received my test results today and I have to say that I am very disappointed with my scores and feel like I am hearing a lot more than what is showing up in this test. 


Before the implant, I had severe to profound hearing loss (in the lower and high ranges, respectively). My test is showing only a 5 decibel improvement with my Esteem, with the greatest improvement at 15,000Hz (80 to 30 decibels). I also had requested my hearing test from the day of my activation, and, at most frequencies, my hearing was, on average, 5 decibels better than my recent test. My test scores went down from my activation to my readjustment. Also, my Esteem scores are about 5-10 decibels less than my hearing aided scores. 


It really broke my heart when I saw these tests. I told my husband this and he was shocked as well and felt that he has noticed such a difference in my hearing and speech. I am feeling very concerned about this lack of improvement and am hoping that it has something to do with my cold instead of something more serious. I emailed my Technician about this to see if she could offer any explanation. 

Additionally, my word understanding increased from 68% to 76%. I was told that patients typically increases about 10-15% at this stage in the process and I am below that average with an 8% increase. I am not trying to justify anything, but I do feel like it is difficult to really detect an accurate account of differences when my pre-test took place in Denver, in which the audiologist said the word, and the test today used a recorded voice. When I was tested in St. Louis just 3 months before my test in Denver, my word understanding was 20%. I think this was so low because they used a recording of a female with a high pitch voice. So I am not going to let myself get too discouraged about this, as I will have a more accurate comparison when I am tested at my next readjustment appointment. 


While I am trying to stay positive about this (the situations is what it is), I am a bit concerned and will feel much better once I hear what the Envoy Technician has to say about this. More details to come...

Envoy Questionnaire| Comfortable Settings & Difficult Situations

Prior to my adjustment appointment, Envoy requested that I fill out a questionnaire addressing what sounds are comfortable for me as well as any situations that have been difficult for me to hear in over the last 2 months (since my activation). I have outlined the answers to this questionnaire below. 

What profile/volume do you use most of the time?

I use C3 or C4 most of the time. If I am in a noisy environment, B3 is most comfortable.

How often do you change your settings?

I progressed through the settings fairly quickly. I increased the volume about every two days and was at comfortably at C3 (without having to go back to the B settings every once in a while) after about two weeks. Since then, I have been going up and down from C3 to C5 depending on how much head congestion I experienced on a particular day. 

Which other settings have you used?

I have used them all at some point in the progress.

Are there environment(s) where you feel that you may have some issues with your hearing? What are the environment(s)? What were the issue(s)? What profile/volume did you try to use in that environments(s)? What profile/volume did you change while having the issue(s)? How did this impact your hearing? Did you ask a normal hearing companion if they had a similar experience to any degree in this environment?

Road and Car Noises While Driving. These noises sound loud, muffled, and interfere with my ability to understand what others in the car are saying. If I turn it down to the B settings this produces less interference. I asked my husband and he said that car noises are muffled, can be loud, and can sometimes interfere with his ability to hear. However, he is almost always able to carry on a conversation while driving with me or others. 

Music from a speaker (e.g., my computer or on the radio) or with my ear phones (e.g., ipod). While live music sounds great, music from these venues do not sound natural to me. Parts of songs will sound okay, but then all of a sudden there will be a squeaky noise that is a bit distorted and feels uncomfortable to my ear. I have tried different volume combinations on my Esteem and the music source and cannot find a combination that feels comfortable for me. It is either too soft for me to really hear it but no squeaky distortion, OR it is loud enough for me to hear with the squeaky distortion. The setting that fits "best" is B3. I asked my husband to put the music at a volume that is comfortable to him and told him what I experienced and his reaction was not the same.

Large Group Meetings at Work. I have a difficult time hearing people at a distance from me and find myself pretty dependent on looking at people to understand what they are saying. Background noise, such as the heat blowing, interferes with my ability to hear and understand people.  The volume I found to be best in these situations is C4 or C5. I did not ask others about this situations but everyone in the rooms seems to be able to follow.

Watching TV. I have a difficult time hearing my TV and am still pretty dependent on closed captioning for understanding. C4 or C5 is the setting that is the easiest for me. My husband says that 13 is a comfortable volume for him and I liked to have the volume at about 23 so that I can actually hear. Turning my device up helps a little, but not enough that I could hear comfortably at 13.

Group Settings/Noisy Places (e.g., restaurants). I have a difficult time filtering out background noise in these settings and find that people voices blend with the background noise. I still have to read lips in order to understand and follow along in conversation. I find that one-on-one interaction is easier than group settings. The A settings make everything too quiet and the C settings are too loud. I found the B programming to be best in this type of setting. When I have asked people about this, they do tell me that the place is just "really loud"; however, I feel like they are able to understand everyone and follow along in conversation pretty easily.

My Work Phone. I am able to hear pretty well on my cell phone but I have a VERY difficult time talking on my work phone. Voices are a bit distorted and crackly and I actually find my hearing aid to produce a clearer sound. I have tried a few volume combinations with my Esteem and the phone, and still find it difficult. I did not ask others about this but all employees use the same type of phone regularly without issues.

As you can imagine I am more than excited for my readjustment and hope that after some tweaking, I will be able to hear better in all (or at least most) of these situations.

Head Cold and Feedback From My Esteem

Most of the feedback and distortion I have experienced with my Esteem has sounded oceany or like a crackling noise. Up until last week, I had only experienced the high pitched screeching feedback twice. However, I have only heard this on the highest profile setting (C5) and it has never been constant. The first time I heard this type of feedback was about a week before Thanksgiving when I got out of the shower and wrapped my hair in a towel. My ear was folded within my towel when this happened so, once I adjusted the position of my ear the feedback went away. Just to be safe, I changed my programming to C4 that evening. I wonder if having water in my ear caused this feedback?

The night of Thanksgiving is when I heard this high-pitched feedback again. I had spent a long day at work (yes, work!) in effort to save my holiday time for Christmas and we had spent the evening with Frasers’ parents cooking and eating dinner, so I was pretty exhausted that evening. Fraser collapsed in bed and I jumped in bed on top of him, laying my head on chest. This was when I heard the squeaky high-pitched feedback for the second time. I looked at Fraser and asked him if he heard it too. He seemed puzzled as to what I was talking about. As a joke, my husband calls my hearing aids my “squeakers” because every time I try to cuddle with him and lay in his nook, they would produce a loud screeching feedback that he could actually hear.  I guess he cannot hear feedback from my Esteem!

Throughout my life, even as a young child, I have always experienced seasonal allergies but since my surgery, my head congestion has been a bit out of control. I have been coughing up some questionable mucus and just feel like I have a permanent sinus infection. Interestingly, I have not actually felt sick. I was told by Dr. Marzo that I should expect to have some head congestion for the next couple of months and that taking an over the counter decongestant should help reduce the amount of fluids and make this a bit more manageable. During my activation, I was told that head congestion or having a cold may make it more difficult to hear, as it would when a person with normal hearing has a cold. I was also told that having a cold produces fluids in your ear which could also cause feedback. Throughout the last couple of month I have been taking Zyertec D pretty consistently and have found that this does have an effect on how well I am able to hear. I am generally able to hear much better when it is in my system.

Towards the end of November, I saw my doctor for a check-up and told her what I was experiencing. She put me on an antibiotic for 10 days but that didn’t really seem to do the trick. For the last week, I have been experiencing the high-pitched screeching feedback every time I blow my nose. Basically, my ear would pop while blowing my nose and I would experience this feedback until I swallowed and my ear had un-popped. This was even happening when I went down to C3. When my ears popped, it sort of hurt. The pain was not unbearable but it definitely didn’t feel good! I have only had one ear infection in my entire life and I just remember my ear popping and it feeling similar to this.

So, basically I have been experiencing the signs of a cold for the last month but I did not actually start feeling sick until this weekend. When I woke up yesterday, my nose was so stuffed up I could barely breath, my glands were so swollen I couldn’t even talk, and I was coughing up some questionable mucus. I spent most of the day sleeping, which my puppy Rufus did not like.  He kept sneaking into the bedroom with his ball, trying desperately do play fetch with me. At one point, he dropped his ball underneath the bed and started whimpering because he couldn’t get it. I stuck my head underneath the bed so I could grab his ball and my ear started screeching with the high-pitched feedback but this time it did not stop. I had to turn my ear down in order to get this feedback to go away. Something was definitely not right.

First thing this morning, Fraser called the doctor and made an appointment for me. She said I have an ear and sinus infection (boo!) and put me on the Z-pack, steroids, a decongestant, and cough syrup so I hope to get this cold out of my system before my readjustment appointment next week. I am very concerned that this will impact my appointment and I pray to God that everything will work out for the best.

Thinking Too Much

I wonder what sounds I am not hearing, but do not know I am not hearing because I have no one there to tell me of that sound. Also, others may not think twice of a noise so they may not outwardly say it so I wouldn’t know to listen for a noise. I think this may have something to do with my ADHD but sometimes I will not hear something until it is brought to my attention by someone. Then, when I focus on the noise I am able to hear it. Thinking about this I wondering if I am actually hearing it or if it is just a memory of that sound. I think I am thinking too much and need to go to bed…

Hearing Aids In The Shower

The weirdest thing has been happening to me recently. I am still not 100% used to hearing different sounds so every time I get into the shower, I start to freak out when I hear all of the noises of the shower. I scramble to pull my hearing aid out and then realize that I do not have my hearing aid in. There is nothing to "take out" because I am hearing this out of my "real" ear. I am hearing with my Esteem! There used to be so many occasions when I would forget to take my hearing aids out when I got in the shower and would realize 30 seconds after that they were still in. I would frantically scream for Fraser to come get them and put them in my dry box. I am actually surprised my hearing aids are still working…I am so thankful that I no longer have to worry about this happening!

Last Day of Filming for the Oprah Network

The film crew from the Oprah Network came back for our last day of filming. It was the same crew except for the producer. Madeleine was not able to make it :( so they flew in a producer from LA. She was great, and Fras and I really enjoyed spending time with and getting to know her. The crew arrived at our house at 8am and had a full day of filming scheduled for us!

First on the agenda was City Park. I had actually never been here before so I was very excited to go and “experience sounds” here. As we were walking into the park, the first thing I heard was my footsteps among the leaves. This was not a new sound for me to hear, but I swear, the more I hear certain noises the more crisp and clear the sound becomes. Also, the more I hear different sounds, the easier it is for me to identify and differentiate between sounds. 


City park is near the zoo and there was a Whooping Crane that was very noisy on this Sunday morning. While walking, I kept hearing this bird in conjunction with children on the playground. Both of the noises were sharp and high pitch. I had a very difficult time telling the difference between these two noises when we first arrived at the park. As we made our way to the playground, there were three little girls singing as they were swinging on the swings. I could not make out what they were singing until I asked Fraser. He told me they were counting and he started to count with them, whispering under his breath. I followed Fraser's counting and matched it to the counting of the little girls. That was when I actually understood, for myself, what exactly they were singing. I wonder why I was not able to understand what they singing on my own. How was I able to understand this after Fraser had told me? When will I learn to hear, identify, and understand this on my own? Although I was not able to pick up on what they were singing right away, I was able to differentiate between when the were singing compared to when they were just simply chatting. 


The most memorable part of this experience for me was hearing a child's laughter. There is something about the innocence of children that relaxes me and puts a big smile on my face. Childhood. Everything was an exciting adventure. So much hope. So much to look forward too. For the first time in 9 years, I feel like I can relate. My lifelong dream has been to work with children, but because of my hearing loss it became very difficult for me communicate with them since their voices are so high pitch. What I experienced in the park today has really inspired me to work with kids again. It is so easy to forget what you are missing out on when you have avoided it for so many years. 

Our next stop was The Denver Zoo. We had our own escort and had VIP access to see the Coo Coo bird. This bird was ridiculously loud and really could drive someone "Coo Coo". They had Fraser and I wait outside while they got the bird ready and “vocal”. I remember waiting outside the room and thinking to myself, "What the heck is going on in there? Is this bird being slaughtered?” That’s how loud and alarming this sound was. 


When we first walked into the room, it all just seemed like one big noise to me and was causing a little feedback with my ear. However, the longer we stayed in there, the more natural the noise became and the more I was able to hear all of the different levels of the Coo Coo birds' screams. I think before my implant this noise would have seemed like one big blob of sound, but it was amazing that I was able to hear and differentiate among the different squawking calls this bird made. The bird was so loud though that it made me want to cringe at some times. It was almost painful. Not painful like it would be if you got pinched but a different kind of pain that is too difficult to explain. This is a pain I don’t think I have ever experienced. It was almost a good pain to know that my ears now have the capacity to hear something like this. That sound is actually too loud for me instead of me struggling to hear. My adrenalin was rushing and my heart was beating a mile a minute the entire time we spent with the bird. The feeling I was experiencing was overwhelming but in a good way. The producer noticed my reaction to all of this and did a quick interview afterward but I was so BAHHH excited and giddy and shaky. This was not like anything I had experience yet!


Our next stop was the monkey house, as we had been told that the monkeys have been "vocal" recently. However, there was not much activity and the only thing I did hear was the “choo choo” of the train and the “ding ding ding” of the bell at the train station behind us. Fraser cracked a joke about how I ALWAYS want to ride the train everytime we are at the zoo and the film crew decided it was time to finally fulfill this desire! We road around once and the sound of the train moving on the tracks overwhelmed my ears and, because of that, I was not able to hear much else besides the whistle and bell of the train. Throughout the entire ride, the conductor was talking and although I was able to hear him loud and clear, I was not able to make out what he was saying. After we road around, the film crew asked the conductor if they could get some shots of the bell and the train whistle. I decided this was too much fun for me to miss out on so I asked if I could be the one who actually did the "ringing" and "tooting".  I don’t think the zoo would have let me do this on any other day so I took advantage of this and just had fun with it! 


We ate some lunch and then fed the Lorikeets. Again, FREE access and food for the birds! I placed my hand near one of the birds and it jumped right onto my hand and started eating the nector! I have never experienced anything like this so this was pretty cool. I think I was so distracted with this that I really did not take notice to the sounds I was hearing. I heard the birds chirping but the noise was very faint. The sound of others talking around me was what I heard the most. After this we decided to call it quits and move on to the next activity.

After the zoo we went to a music store. I have to say that this was probably, by far, the most awkward of all the filming that we did because I have absolutely NO musical talent. When we first walked in, Fras and I started to play with some little noise makers. We got into a little groove and “crack!”. I broke one of the instruments! I felt SO awful about this. Of course this happens to me… on camera! After my embarrassing moment, I moved on to something that was a little harder to break… windchimes. I LOVED this noise! It is so peaceful. Probably my second favorite sound besides water. I can't remember the last time I heard this, but Fraser mentioned to me that his family has wind chimes at their house in Naples and Aspen, and in the 4 years we have been going there, I have not noticed this noise once! What a beautiful sound that I have been missing out on.


I was then filmed playing around on the piano. I had actually taken piano lessons as a kid, but my mind went blank on what to play so I was just sitting there, tapping random keys. I kept thinking to myself "doo doo doo. This is so awkward". I tried to break this awkward moment by sliding my fingers all the way down the piano in one swift motion! I had everyone laughing after that and that is when I decided to be done with the piano. I then went on to play the drums and was asked to describe the sounds I was hearing. This was very difficult for me because how does one really explain sound? The way I see sound is that either I love it, I hate it, or just don't take notice to it. It is hard to explain why something sounds good or bad. It just does. Also, I must say that I don’t like how any instrument sounds when I play it but when I was able to hear the store owner play, it was glorious. I was able to pick out 3 different string instruments for him to play and I picked the mandalin, violin, and banjo. I loved them all but my favorite was the banjo. Not sure if this is because of my midwestern roots or because of my favorite episode of Family Guy when Stewie plays the banjo ("I got blisters on me fingers!"). Before we left, the store had invited us to attend the children's music recital. We still had one more thing to do, so we were only able to stay for the first couple of songs but it was breathtaking. Live music is incredible! This kids were amazingly talented!


What I realized about my experience at the music store today was just how much I miss music. I have mentioned this before, but I have always loved music. I never had the musical talent, but I loved everything about the way it sounded. I especially loved classical music and would sometimes pretend I was the conductor of the symphony, acknowledging each instrument. I have always loved musicals as well. I cannot even tell you how many nights my mom and I would spend watching old movies, singing and dancing to the music. Also, during the summer my family would go to outdoor musicals at the St. Louis Muny. However, in the last couple of year music just hasn’t sounded very clear to me so I just stopped listening to it. Hearing all of these different instruments today made me realize how much I am missing out on and has inspired me to bring music back into my life.

Our last stop of the day was Wash Park Grill. Fras and I were EXHAUSTED at this point but were excited to finally spend a nice romantic dinner together which was a bit difficult to do with a camera and bright lights in your face. I was a bit nervous about dinner because this restaurant is very dark and noisy, and has been challenging for me in the past. However, tonight was almost effortless and I was also able to hear so some new noises I never noticed before my implant. I heard the clinking of our glasses. I heard the sound of the knife rubbing against the plate as Fras was cutting his food. I was able to have a conversation with Fraser while chewing and not looking at him. 


Today was pretty darn amazing and was the perfect end to my week. I left work on Friday feeling discouraged about everything but today was really fun and boosted my confidence in my future of hearing. 

Helping my Marriage Blossom

Last week, Fraser and I decided that we wanted to start seeing a therapist to help give us the tools we need to overcome the many trials and tribulations that have presented themselves over the last couple of months. Some people think this is crazy since we have only been married for 6 months, but we have encountered more in the last couple of months than most people face in their first couple years of marriage. We love each other and want to be happy. We are not afraid to admit that we need a little extra push to help us get back on track. I am actually really proud that we have taken the step to do this because many couples wait until it is too late. Also, we now are gaining important skills and learning invaluable lessons that will help make our marriage work and last a lifetime.

While walking into our appointment, the sound of the cars flying by was piercing. I asked Fraser what he thought of this and this noise did not seem to bother him. However, this noise was so overwhelmingly loud for me that it overpowered Fraser's voice. I have also found that it is difficult for me to talk on the phone when I am near a busy street. I will have to tell the person on the phone to stop talking until all of the cars are out of site. I wonder if this will become more bearable with time. I wonder if this is something that I will need to learn how to "zone out".

Fraser and I could not be happier with our therapist. I have seen a couple of therapist in my lifetime and I have found that it is very difficult to find a therapist you can trust and connect with. It usually takes a couple of tries so we both feel so fortunate that we were able to find a good connection. 

Throughout the session, we both did A LOT of talking...Too much talking. She mentioned that we both have impeccable communication skills and that we have a gift that allows us to express what we are feeling. However, what we learned is that one of our biggest issues as a couple stem from our "listening skills" and "need to be heard".  While we are great communicators and able to express how WE feel, we are not listening to each other, and, because of this, we feel that we are not being heard by the other person. She gave us probably the most important pieces of advice we will ever learn about marriage and relationships. 


“Strive to listen before trying to being heard”  


"Where there is anger and hatred in a relationship, there exist fear, sadness, and loneliness"


We also were able to talk about some of the pent up resentment we have developed towards each other and I think it was just nice to finally digest all we have been through in the last couple of months. Overall, we are both very pleased with how everything went. While we still have many things to work out, we cannot believe how much we learned about our relationship in just one session. We are both so hopeful and cannot wait to live the happy lives we both want and deserve. One of the most wonderful things about marriage is that you have a partner for life. You never have to face anything alone because you always have that person by your side to get you through all of the tough times. However, one of the most difficult parts of marriage is learning to put the needs of your spouse before your own while also letting your emotions/needs be known. We have a long way to go in achieving a marriage like this, but we sure do feel confident in our ability to work through this!

Emergency Break

This morning, I was lucky enough to find a parking place about 2 blocks away from my office building. Score! It was on a little bit of a hill so I had to turn my emergency break on. When I got back into my car, I had totally forgotten that my emergency break was on and started to drive away. I cannot even express how many times this has happened to me before and I would normally drive for miles before I even recognized this, which probably explains why I recently had to replace my break pads. However, today I noticed right away because… 


dun dun dun DUN!


My car has a dinging notification to let me know of this! How convenient! If only I could have heard this before! I wouldn’t say that this noise was outwardly loud (like OMG how did I miss this), but I have had my car for four years and NEVER heard this before. AMAZING.

A Discouraging Meeting

To start off my day at work, I had a Webinar training to attend. Our team was set up to view this training together as a group and this was very very difficult for me, to say the least. The sound coming from the phone was a bit distorted and almost sounded like a bad cell phone connection. I asked my colleagues if this was the case but everyone felt that the sound was clear. I guess it was just me and my Esteem. I thought that this may be because the volume on my Esteem was too loud but the quality of sound was not fixed by my multiple readjustments throughout the meeting. 

I was obviously very upset (and confused) about why this was happening to me so after the meeting, I talked to the team lead to express my concern. She mentioned that the content being discussed was complicated in general and that the trainer was a bit difficult to follow. The best way to explain this mans voice was that his sentences would start out loud and clear, but then would slowly slowly decrease into a soft mumble that was near impossible for me to hear. Every sentence was sort of like this:

Started at a loud volume and then slowly decreased to nothing…

This, along with "mumblers" and "mouth coverers", are the hearing impaired's worst nightmare! 

I was also having a difficult time hearing the other 5 people in the room with me. At this point in my journey, my Esteem has a very difficult time picking up on peoples' voices at a distance. I know that my Esteem is limited to certain tones and ranges until my next readjustment appointment, but this was WAY more difficult than I expected and imagined it to be. This was the first large meeting I attended since my activation and this experience made me feel a bit discouraged and frustrated. 

When I returned to my office, I had a voicemail. Through my Esteem ear, the voice on the message was distorted as it was during my training. Interestingly, when I switched it to my hearing aided ear, the distortion went away and it was almost clearer for me. I could, surprisingly, more easily comprehend with my hearing aided ear. I emailed the Envoy Technician about my concern and she suggested that I play around with the device settings to see which setting is the easiest for talking on the phone. She also told me that this is something we can practice and work on during my readjustment appointment next month. Hopefully, we will be able to get this figured out.

While today was a bit discouraging for me, I have to keep reminding myself to stay positive and think of all of the amazing sounds I am now able to hear and experience. This process takes time and I am confident that things will get better and easier for me. This was the first large meeting I have attended since my activation and the first time doing anything is difficult. I just need to continue to put myself out there and get all the practice that I can. Practice makes perfect!

Slowly Entering My Social World Again

Last night I decided to make my first public appearance with my friends since my activation. It truly is amazing how much more relaxed and happy I am being in a social situation. Before my implant, I would get so anxious before doing ANYTHING that would potentially require me to have a conversation with someone. Even as small as, going to DSW to browse for shoes when I had no intent of buying anything (which would have forced me to make conversation with the cashier). I really truly isolated myself in the last year, not only from these everyday situations but also from friends and family. I felt so happy when I woke up this morning and didn't realize how much I missed spending time with and being surrounded by friends. I am so thankful for my friends and those who stuck by me through this rough patch in my life. I know it will take time to rebuild all of these lost relationships but I truly feel like I have all the confidence in the world to do this. As I bring myself back into the social world, I hope to to be able to form and build new relationships.

Lunch Date Hearing

Fras and I just got back from lunch and you will not believe what I was able to hear! 

We went to this sports bar right around where I work and it was packed with people watching the football games. When I first walked into the restaurant it was SO loud! Loud noise makes me want to cringe! My device started to produce some muffled feedback so as soon as we sat down, I pulled out my remote and adjusted my device from C3 to A3. This significantly reduced the feedback that I was experiencing from all of the background noise. I actually have the ability to turn down my hearing aids as well. However, one of the (many) limitations of hearing aids is that by doing this, you are turning down the volume on EVERYTHING. Including peoples' voices. 

When I turned down my Esteem, it was amazing that I was actually able to hear Fraser better. Adjusting my remote turned down the background noise so that it was at a manageable level, but did not interfere with my ability to hear and understand Fraser when he was talking. I cannot remember the last time Fras and I went out to eat and it was this effortless. Before my implant, I would get so frustrated about not being able to hear and constantly having to ask Fras to repeat himself. I think it was also frustrating for Fras too to have to continually repeat himself. He says this doesn't bother him, but come on. We all know it is annoying. So, sometimes, it was easier to just not talk very much when we went out to eat. I bet you are wondering, "What's the point of going out to eat then?". Well, that is why we stopped eating out and if we did, we would go at odd hours of the day when there would be less of a crowd. 

Everything about this lunch was just easier and more natural between us. I do not think that either of us shut up the entire lunch! You could tell that we were both just so happy, laughing hysterically, and just having a good 'ol time. Just like we used to. Seriously, I am still glowing right now. Is this how a date with your husband is supposed to be? Is this how couples are supposed to feel? This was just the right medicine for our marriage!

While this was unbelievable, I think the most amazing part of lunch was my ability to not only hear but actually understand the football announcer talking on the TV. Whenever Fraser and I would go out to eat, Fras would always take notice of music that was playing in the background. I wouldn't even know music was playing most of the time! Even if he directed my attention to it and I focused really hard, I would still not be able to hear it. Look at me now! I was watching football and hearing the announcer on the TV. Fras said the TV was pretty loud but I don’t care. I heard it! What is a bit odd about this situation is that, at home, I can barely hear the TV and am still pretty dependent on subtitles. I wonder why I was able to hear this TV so effortlessly.

Today was amazing and has really connected Fras and I in a new way. I feel so grateful for all of the love and support he has given to me over the last 7 years of our life together. He has been my crutch and has taught me so many things about the person I want to be. While we have had our ups and downs, I truly think I would be lost without him in my life. I am SO looking forward to my new world of communication and all of the new adventures we will now be able to experience because of the Esteem implant. I am telling you people, this device is a miracle!

I Love the Different Sounds a Phone Makes

Last week, the sound I found most amazing was toilets. Yes, toilets. Each one makes a different noise when they are flushed! The sound of water swishing around in the toilet bowl is also different among toilets and depends on the amount of water pressure there is. This noise is also VERY loud and still takes me by surprise from time to time. I am again scared to flush the toilet if I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, as I was when I was a kid. I am sure people think this is crazy but seriously, really listen next time you go to the bathroom and you will see what I am talking about and how cool, but also scary, this really is.

This week, the different sounds a phone makes really amazes me. 

First of all, do you know how many different ring tones there are out there? Before my implant, I could barely hear the sound of a phone ringing. Even with my hearing aids in. Even when a phone was right in front of me or in my purse. Each phone I heard ringing sounded the same to me and I never really thought anything of this sound. Well, except for frustration that most ring tones are so high pitched that I am unable to hear them! Gosh. There have been countless occasions in which I would miss out on hearing the phone ring. At work, I have been in meetings where my colleagues phone would ring and I would be too busy talking or taking notes that I would not take notice of this sound at all. If I was talking, I would have to be interrupted so that they were able to answer the phone call. 

Same type of thing has happened when hanging out with friends. I would just be doing my own little thing and everyone around me would stop talking and stare at me like I was crazy or something. They would ask, “are you going to get that?”. I would not even know what they were talking about until I saw them looking at the phone and realized it was ringing. Sometimes Fras would have to intervene to save me from looking like a complete idiot and would just hand me the phone. These are moments I would replay in my mind and think to myself, “How embarrassing? How did I not hear that?”. 

Now, I can actually hear a phone ringing as well as tell the difference between other people's ring tones. It is quite amazing. I was actually in a conversation with someone at work today, when my phone rang. I was talking and actually heard the phone ringing. Tonight I will replay this moment in my mind and instead of feeling anxiety, sadness, and stress, I will go to bed thinking what a miracle this is and how fortunate I truly am to have this implant. 

Another cool thing about phones is how each number has a slightly different tone. I noticed this today when I was checking my messages at work. First of all, dialing a phone is SUCH a high pitched noise that it is no wonder I was not able to pick up on this before my implant. All of the numbers sounded the exact same to me! When I heard this, memories of my childhood started to fill my mind. When I was a kid, I loved music!

One of my favorite things to do was to make music by dialing the numbers on the phone. My speciality in "phone music" was Hot Crust Buns. How did I forget that this was possible? My forgetting this may have sometime to do with the time that I accidentally called 911...Not exactly the music I was trying to make. I think this was the last time I was allowed to make music on the phone. 

While I am enjoying the noises a phone makes, I cannot say that I am having the same feelings towards actually talking on the phone. It is much easier for me to hear on my cell phone compared to my work phone or land line phones in general. I felt the same about this when I just had my hearing aids. It is interesting because I hear much better with my Esteem when I talk on my cell phone. However, when I listen with my Esteem on my work phone, everything sounds a bit distorted and I often have to switch the phone to my hearing aided ear in order to follow along in conversation. 

I wonder why this may be? I am hoping that this will get better with time and practice, as I am learning how to hear in a new way. I am not sure why I went into this journey thinking that my hearing would change and be "normal" overnight. Think about it. It takes children a couple of years just to learn how to talk, listen, and communicate. Once these skills are developed, they spend, literally, the rest of their lives enhancing and building upon these skills. The process of hearing is continuous. As you get older, you grow and mature. Well, so does your ability to hear. 

As I am writing this I am beginning to realize what a long journey this will be for me. And I cannot wait for the ride!

Sounds of the Night

There are generally so many noises at night, that I do not know how I ever slept before my implant. My nights used to be so quiet and peaceful and now they are filled with noise. And lots of it. How do people sleep at night with all of this noise!!

• Squeaky noises of the mattress
• The bed banging against the wall as we toss and turn in our sleep
• Our heating system turning on and off throughout the night
• Rufus getting up in the middle of the night to drink water (and sometimes to go to sleep in the basement. This dog is ALL over the place at night - my husband says this is normal but I had no clue)
• My hubby breathing loudly (found out that he is NOT a snorer... thank god!)
• Car doors slamming
• Rufus barking early in the morning so we will let him outside

I sure hope these noises become more commonplace because I am having a very difficult time sleeping at night. Don't get me wrong, I am totally loving this, but, a girl has got to get her beauty rest. :)


This morning, the craziest thing happened. Well not crazy but it totally scared the heck out of me. At about 5 am, I was awaken by this loud crashing noise and literally flung up in bed. "What the heck was that?", I thought to myself. Right now in my hearing journey, I am having a lot of difficulty with directionality of sound. When I hear something, I am not always sure where or from whom the sound is coming from. I started shaking Fras, but trying to wake that boy up is a lost cause sometimes so I just got up and started to walk around. There it was again! This was going to bug the heck out of me if I didn't find out what was going on. 


I went into our second bedroom which opens up to our deck and backyard. I opened the french doors and Rufus flew past me towards the fence that separates our backyard from the alley behind our house. My eyes followed him as he pranced through the yard and started barking. It was the garbage truck emptying a weeks worth of garbage. Can you believe that? Since I am not able to sleep with my hearing aids in, I had very little hearing during the night and upon waking up in the morning. I cannot even remember the last time that I heard this noise so loud and clear. Amazing.