I was supposed to go to Chicago to have my second Esteem readjustment and to meet with my surgeon, Dr. Marzo, to have him check up on everything to make sure I was healing properly. However, some unforeseen circumstances arose and I, unfortunately, had to cancel my trip at the last minute. Since things are still a bit crazy around here, I will probably not be able to get to Chicago until July. So, I decided to just have Michelle, my Esteem Engineer, come to Denver for a readjustment. Envoy is very booked right now so the soonest they were able to get out here is April 23rd (a month and a half after my originally scheduled appointment!).
While I am very very excited for my readjustment, I am also very nervous since I did not get very much gain from my last adjustment because of the fluids in my ear. I am hoping since I will have had 5 months to heal that I will be able to get the gain that I am look for. It is really strange because when you first get adjusted (or when you turn up the volume on the remote) everything seems so loud and great! But as time goes on, you get used to hearing at this level; things just sort of level out a little bit. Right now, I have been at the top volume for the last 3 weeks so I REALLY need a little more UMPH! and I hope that I am able to get that from my appointment in April. I also really hope that my tone and test scores go up as well! Fingers crossed! X (that "X" is supposed to be me crossing my fingers.. just in case you were wondering).
I have to say that it is crazy how dependent I am becoming on my Esteem ear. When my implant was first activated, I relied much more on my hearing aid since that is what I was used to but now, I am very dependent on my Esteem. There have been times when I feel like I am completely deaf in my hearing aided ear (because the sound in my Esteem is so great!) and I often have to check to make sure that it is actually on and didn't run out of batteries or something. And yes, it is always on... Seeing how much more I am hearing out of my Esteem as time goes on make me want to have my other ear implanted SO badly. I hope like hell insurance companies start covering this device soon. As of now, my insurance company, Great West Cigna, still considers middle ear implants as "experimental". They also consider the Esteem to be like a "hearing aid"... Man, these insurance companies need to get their facts straight because, in my opinion, FDA approval does not qualify as "experimental" and this device is NOTHING like a hearing aid! I mean, I wish that each and every one of them could actually experience having a severe loss of hearing because I do not think that any of them could last a day in our shoes. Hell, they probably couldn't even last an hour... I think if they knew what it felt like to struggle in every day conversation that they would be pushing much more for the coverage of hearing.
Well, enough of that... I am going to go enjoy this beautiful sunny Denver day and get my tan on! and maybe enjoying a few mimosas as well! Happy Saturday! :)
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Hearing Test Results From First Adjustment
As I mentioned in my last post, I completed a hearing test during my re-adjustment appointment. This is probably one of my least favorite things in the world. I mean who likes to be tested and scored on something you know you are not very good at! Well, I received my test results today and I have to say that I am very disappointed with my scores and feel like I am hearing a lot more than what is showing up in this test.
Before the implant, I had severe to profound hearing loss (in the lower and high ranges, respectively). My test is showing only a 5 decibel improvement with my Esteem, with the greatest improvement at 15,000Hz (80 to 30 decibels). I also had requested my hearing test from the day of my activation, and, at most frequencies, my hearing was, on average, 5 decibels better than my recent test. My test scores went down from my activation to my readjustment. Also, my Esteem scores are about 5-10 decibels less than my hearing aided scores.
It really broke my heart when I saw these tests. I told my husband this and he was shocked as well and felt that he has noticed such a difference in my hearing and speech. I am feeling very concerned about this lack of improvement and am hoping that it has something to do with my cold instead of something more serious. I emailed my Technician about this to see if she could offer any explanation.
Before the implant, I had severe to profound hearing loss (in the lower and high ranges, respectively). My test is showing only a 5 decibel improvement with my Esteem, with the greatest improvement at 15,000Hz (80 to 30 decibels). I also had requested my hearing test from the day of my activation, and, at most frequencies, my hearing was, on average, 5 decibels better than my recent test. My test scores went down from my activation to my readjustment. Also, my Esteem scores are about 5-10 decibels less than my hearing aided scores.
It really broke my heart when I saw these tests. I told my husband this and he was shocked as well and felt that he has noticed such a difference in my hearing and speech. I am feeling very concerned about this lack of improvement and am hoping that it has something to do with my cold instead of something more serious. I emailed my Technician about this to see if she could offer any explanation.
Additionally, my word understanding increased from 68% to 76%. I was told that patients typically increases about 10-15% at this stage in the process and I am below that average with an 8% increase. I am not trying to justify anything, but I do feel like it is difficult to really detect an accurate account of differences when my pre-test took place in Denver, in which the audiologist said the word, and the test today used a recorded voice. When I was tested in St. Louis just 3 months before my test in Denver, my word understanding was 20%. I think this was so low because they used a recording of a female with a high pitch voice. So I am not going to let myself get too discouraged about this, as I will have a more accurate comparison when I am tested at my next readjustment appointment.
While I am trying to stay positive about this (the situations is what it is), I am a bit concerned and will feel much better once I hear what the Envoy Technician has to say about this. More details to come...
While I am trying to stay positive about this (the situations is what it is), I am a bit concerned and will feel much better once I hear what the Envoy Technician has to say about this. More details to come...
Friday, December 2, 2011
Thinking Too Much
I wonder what sounds I am not hearing, but do not know I am not hearing because I have no one there to tell me of that sound. Also, others may not think twice of a noise so they may not outwardly say it so I wouldn’t know to listen for a noise. I think this may have something to do with my ADHD but sometimes I will not hear something until it is brought to my attention by someone. Then, when I focus on the noise I am able to hear it. Thinking about this I wondering if I am actually hearing it or if it is just a memory of that sound. I think I am thinking too much and need to go to bed…
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Last Day of Filming for the Oprah Network
The film crew from the Oprah Network came back for our last day of filming. It was the same crew except for the producer. Madeleine was not able to make it :( so they flew in a producer from LA. She was great, and Fras and I really enjoyed spending time with and getting to know her. The crew arrived at our house at 8am and had a full day of filming scheduled for us!
First on the agenda was City Park. I had actually never been here before so I was very excited to go and “experience sounds” here. As we were walking into the park, the first thing I heard was my footsteps among the leaves. This was not a new sound for me to hear, but I swear, the more I hear certain noises the more crisp and clear the sound becomes. Also, the more I hear different sounds, the easier it is for me to identify and differentiate between sounds.
City park is near the zoo and there was a Whooping Crane that was very noisy on this Sunday morning. While walking, I kept hearing this bird in conjunction with children on the playground. Both of the noises were sharp and high pitch. I had a very difficult time telling the difference between these two noises when we first arrived at the park. As we made our way to the playground, there were three little girls singing as they were swinging on the swings. I could not make out what they were singing until I asked Fraser. He told me they were counting and he started to count with them, whispering under his breath. I followed Fraser's counting and matched it to the counting of the little girls. That was when I actually understood, for myself, what exactly they were singing. I wonder why I was not able to understand what they singing on my own. How was I able to understand this after Fraser had told me? When will I learn to hear, identify, and understand this on my own? Although I was not able to pick up on what they were singing right away, I was able to differentiate between when the were singing compared to when they were just simply chatting.
The most memorable part of this experience for me was hearing a child's laughter. There is something about the innocence of children that relaxes me and puts a big smile on my face. Childhood. Everything was an exciting adventure. So much hope. So much to look forward too. For the first time in 9 years, I feel like I can relate. My lifelong dream has been to work with children, but because of my hearing loss it became very difficult for me communicate with them since their voices are so high pitch. What I experienced in the park today has really inspired me to work with kids again. It is so easy to forget what you are missing out on when you have avoided it for so many years.
City park is near the zoo and there was a Whooping Crane that was very noisy on this Sunday morning. While walking, I kept hearing this bird in conjunction with children on the playground. Both of the noises were sharp and high pitch. I had a very difficult time telling the difference between these two noises when we first arrived at the park. As we made our way to the playground, there were three little girls singing as they were swinging on the swings. I could not make out what they were singing until I asked Fraser. He told me they were counting and he started to count with them, whispering under his breath. I followed Fraser's counting and matched it to the counting of the little girls. That was when I actually understood, for myself, what exactly they were singing. I wonder why I was not able to understand what they singing on my own. How was I able to understand this after Fraser had told me? When will I learn to hear, identify, and understand this on my own? Although I was not able to pick up on what they were singing right away, I was able to differentiate between when the were singing compared to when they were just simply chatting.
The most memorable part of this experience for me was hearing a child's laughter. There is something about the innocence of children that relaxes me and puts a big smile on my face. Childhood. Everything was an exciting adventure. So much hope. So much to look forward too. For the first time in 9 years, I feel like I can relate. My lifelong dream has been to work with children, but because of my hearing loss it became very difficult for me communicate with them since their voices are so high pitch. What I experienced in the park today has really inspired me to work with kids again. It is so easy to forget what you are missing out on when you have avoided it for so many years.
Our next stop was The Denver Zoo. We had our own escort and had VIP access to see the Coo Coo bird. This bird was ridiculously loud and really could drive someone "Coo Coo". They had Fraser and I wait outside while they got the bird ready and “vocal”. I remember waiting outside the room and thinking to myself, "What the heck is going on in there? Is this bird being slaughtered?” That’s how loud and alarming this sound was.
When we first walked into the room, it all just seemed like one big noise to me and was causing a little feedback with my ear. However, the longer we stayed in there, the more natural the noise became and the more I was able to hear all of the different levels of the Coo Coo birds' screams. I think before my implant this noise would have seemed like one big blob of sound, but it was amazing that I was able to hear and differentiate among the different squawking calls this bird made. The bird was so loud though that it made me want to cringe at some times. It was almost painful. Not painful like it would be if you got pinched but a different kind of pain that is too difficult to explain. This is a pain I don’t think I have ever experienced. It was almost a good pain to know that my ears now have the capacity to hear something like this. That sound is actually too loud for me instead of me struggling to hear. My adrenalin was rushing and my heart was beating a mile a minute the entire time we spent with the bird. The feeling I was experiencing was overwhelming but in a good way. The producer noticed my reaction to all of this and did a quick interview afterward but I was so BAHHH excited and giddy and shaky. This was not like anything I had experience yet!
Our next stop was the monkey house, as we had been told that the monkeys have been "vocal" recently. However, there was not much activity and the only thing I did hear was the “choo choo” of the train and the “ding ding ding” of the bell at the train station behind us. Fraser cracked a joke about how I ALWAYS want to ride the train everytime we are at the zoo and the film crew decided it was time to finally fulfill this desire! We road around once and the sound of the train moving on the tracks overwhelmed my ears and, because of that, I was not able to hear much else besides the whistle and bell of the train. Throughout the entire ride, the conductor was talking and although I was able to hear him loud and clear, I was not able to make out what he was saying. After we road around, the film crew asked the conductor if they could get some shots of the bell and the train whistle. I decided this was too much fun for me to miss out on so I asked if I could be the one who actually did the "ringing" and "tooting". I don’t think the zoo would have let me do this on any other day so I took advantage of this and just had fun with it!
We ate some lunch and then fed the Lorikeets. Again, FREE access and food for the birds! I placed my hand near one of the birds and it jumped right onto my hand and started eating the nector! I have never experienced anything like this so this was pretty cool. I think I was so distracted with this that I really did not take notice to the sounds I was hearing. I heard the birds chirping but the noise was very faint. The sound of others talking around me was what I heard the most. After this we decided to call it quits and move on to the next activity.
When we first walked into the room, it all just seemed like one big noise to me and was causing a little feedback with my ear. However, the longer we stayed in there, the more natural the noise became and the more I was able to hear all of the different levels of the Coo Coo birds' screams. I think before my implant this noise would have seemed like one big blob of sound, but it was amazing that I was able to hear and differentiate among the different squawking calls this bird made. The bird was so loud though that it made me want to cringe at some times. It was almost painful. Not painful like it would be if you got pinched but a different kind of pain that is too difficult to explain. This is a pain I don’t think I have ever experienced. It was almost a good pain to know that my ears now have the capacity to hear something like this. That sound is actually too loud for me instead of me struggling to hear. My adrenalin was rushing and my heart was beating a mile a minute the entire time we spent with the bird. The feeling I was experiencing was overwhelming but in a good way. The producer noticed my reaction to all of this and did a quick interview afterward but I was so BAHHH excited and giddy and shaky. This was not like anything I had experience yet!
Our next stop was the monkey house, as we had been told that the monkeys have been "vocal" recently. However, there was not much activity and the only thing I did hear was the “choo choo” of the train and the “ding ding ding” of the bell at the train station behind us. Fraser cracked a joke about how I ALWAYS want to ride the train everytime we are at the zoo and the film crew decided it was time to finally fulfill this desire! We road around once and the sound of the train moving on the tracks overwhelmed my ears and, because of that, I was not able to hear much else besides the whistle and bell of the train. Throughout the entire ride, the conductor was talking and although I was able to hear him loud and clear, I was not able to make out what he was saying. After we road around, the film crew asked the conductor if they could get some shots of the bell and the train whistle. I decided this was too much fun for me to miss out on so I asked if I could be the one who actually did the "ringing" and "tooting". I don’t think the zoo would have let me do this on any other day so I took advantage of this and just had fun with it!
We ate some lunch and then fed the Lorikeets. Again, FREE access and food for the birds! I placed my hand near one of the birds and it jumped right onto my hand and started eating the nector! I have never experienced anything like this so this was pretty cool. I think I was so distracted with this that I really did not take notice to the sounds I was hearing. I heard the birds chirping but the noise was very faint. The sound of others talking around me was what I heard the most. After this we decided to call it quits and move on to the next activity.
After the zoo we went to a music store. I have to say that this was probably, by far, the most awkward of all the filming that we did because I have absolutely NO musical talent. When we first walked in, Fras and I started to play with some little noise makers. We got into a little groove and “crack!”. I broke one of the instruments! I felt SO awful about this. Of course this happens to me… on camera! After my embarrassing moment, I moved on to something that was a little harder to break… windchimes. I LOVED this noise! It is so peaceful. Probably my second favorite sound besides water. I can't remember the last time I heard this, but Fraser mentioned to me that his family has wind chimes at their house in Naples and Aspen, and in the 4 years we have been going there, I have not noticed this noise once! What a beautiful sound that I have been missing out on.
I was then filmed playing around on the piano. I had actually taken piano lessons as a kid, but my mind went blank on what to play so I was just sitting there, tapping random keys. I kept thinking to myself "doo doo doo. This is so awkward". I tried to break this awkward moment by sliding my fingers all the way down the piano in one swift motion! I had everyone laughing after that and that is when I decided to be done with the piano. I then went on to play the drums and was asked to describe the sounds I was hearing. This was very difficult for me because how does one really explain sound? The way I see sound is that either I love it, I hate it, or just don't take notice to it. It is hard to explain why something sounds good or bad. It just does. Also, I must say that I don’t like how any instrument sounds when I play it but when I was able to hear the store owner play, it was glorious. I was able to pick out 3 different string instruments for him to play and I picked the mandalin, violin, and banjo. I loved them all but my favorite was the banjo. Not sure if this is because of my midwestern roots or because of my favorite episode of Family Guy when Stewie plays the banjo ("I got blisters on me fingers!"). Before we left, the store had invited us to attend the children's music recital. We still had one more thing to do, so we were only able to stay for the first couple of songs but it was breathtaking. Live music is incredible! This kids were amazingly talented!
What I realized about my experience at the music store today was just how much I miss music. I have mentioned this before, but I have always loved music. I never had the musical talent, but I loved everything about the way it sounded. I especially loved classical music and would sometimes pretend I was the conductor of the symphony, acknowledging each instrument. I have always loved musicals as well. I cannot even tell you how many nights my mom and I would spend watching old movies, singing and dancing to the music. Also, during the summer my family would go to outdoor musicals at the St. Louis Muny. However, in the last couple of year music just hasn’t sounded very clear to me so I just stopped listening to it. Hearing all of these different instruments today made me realize how much I am missing out on and has inspired me to bring music back into my life.
I was then filmed playing around on the piano. I had actually taken piano lessons as a kid, but my mind went blank on what to play so I was just sitting there, tapping random keys. I kept thinking to myself "doo doo doo. This is so awkward". I tried to break this awkward moment by sliding my fingers all the way down the piano in one swift motion! I had everyone laughing after that and that is when I decided to be done with the piano. I then went on to play the drums and was asked to describe the sounds I was hearing. This was very difficult for me because how does one really explain sound? The way I see sound is that either I love it, I hate it, or just don't take notice to it. It is hard to explain why something sounds good or bad. It just does. Also, I must say that I don’t like how any instrument sounds when I play it but when I was able to hear the store owner play, it was glorious. I was able to pick out 3 different string instruments for him to play and I picked the mandalin, violin, and banjo. I loved them all but my favorite was the banjo. Not sure if this is because of my midwestern roots or because of my favorite episode of Family Guy when Stewie plays the banjo ("I got blisters on me fingers!"). Before we left, the store had invited us to attend the children's music recital. We still had one more thing to do, so we were only able to stay for the first couple of songs but it was breathtaking. Live music is incredible! This kids were amazingly talented!
What I realized about my experience at the music store today was just how much I miss music. I have mentioned this before, but I have always loved music. I never had the musical talent, but I loved everything about the way it sounded. I especially loved classical music and would sometimes pretend I was the conductor of the symphony, acknowledging each instrument. I have always loved musicals as well. I cannot even tell you how many nights my mom and I would spend watching old movies, singing and dancing to the music. Also, during the summer my family would go to outdoor musicals at the St. Louis Muny. However, in the last couple of year music just hasn’t sounded very clear to me so I just stopped listening to it. Hearing all of these different instruments today made me realize how much I am missing out on and has inspired me to bring music back into my life.
Our last stop of the day was Wash Park Grill. Fras and I were EXHAUSTED at this point but were excited to finally spend a nice romantic dinner together which was a bit difficult to do with a camera and bright lights in your face. I was a bit nervous about dinner because this restaurant is very dark and noisy, and has been challenging for me in the past. However, tonight was almost effortless and I was also able to hear so some new noises I never noticed before my implant. I heard the clinking of our glasses. I heard the sound of the knife rubbing against the plate as Fras was cutting his food. I was able to have a conversation with Fraser while chewing and not looking at him.
Today was pretty darn amazing and was the perfect end to my week. I left work on Friday feeling discouraged about everything but today was really fun and boosted my confidence in my future of hearing.
Today was pretty darn amazing and was the perfect end to my week. I left work on Friday feeling discouraged about everything but today was really fun and boosted my confidence in my future of hearing.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Sounds of the Mall
Today at work I had to attend another Webinar training. I had such high hopes that attending meetings at work would be easier for me, but the last training I attended left me feeling hopeless. I am happy to report that the quality of the sound ended up being much clearer than the first time which made the training much easier to follow. However, I was probably only understanding about 50% of what was being said. Learning to hear again is not a simple task. It is frustrating and overwhelming. It takes A LOT of patience. Patience that I am losing every time a situation is this difficult for me.
One of the most important things that Fraser has taught me is to speak up and be my own advocate about my hearing loss. However, sometimes I wish that I didn't have anything to speak up about. I wish I could have a normal life and be a normal employee. I hate, more than anything, that accommodations have to be made for me. Oh, everyone has to move so Alex can sit at the front of the room. People also have to communicate with me in different ways in order for me to hear.
As I left work, I felt so many negative emotions so decided to stop at the Mall on my way home. "Retail Therapy" is the cure to everything. I also knew I just needed to walk around and let go of the negative feelings that were surrounding me.
When I walked into the mall, my heart started to race because I was hearing SO many noises and all at once.
I honest to God felt like my head was going to explode. As I was walking, I kept cringing and looking over my shoulder to see what was going on around me. I felt a little paranoid. I do not think I passed more than 1 or 2 shops before I made a mad dash into Forever 21 to escape the madness. But this was much much worse! The music in this store was so loud and overbearing. The beat of the music soon matched the beat of my heart rapidly thudding underneath my shirt. As I got deeper and deeper into the store, my anxiety worsened. I couldn’t take it. I had to get the heck out of there. I honestly cannot remember what happened next but next thing I know I have my hands over my ears and I am running out of the store, out of the mall, into the garage, and into the safety of my car. Wow. That was the most overwhelming 7 minutes of my life. I think that this has to be some type of world record for the least amount of time spent in a mall.
One of the most important things that Fraser has taught me is to speak up and be my own advocate about my hearing loss. However, sometimes I wish that I didn't have anything to speak up about. I wish I could have a normal life and be a normal employee. I hate, more than anything, that accommodations have to be made for me. Oh, everyone has to move so Alex can sit at the front of the room. People also have to communicate with me in different ways in order for me to hear.
As I left work, I felt so many negative emotions so decided to stop at the Mall on my way home. "Retail Therapy" is the cure to everything. I also knew I just needed to walk around and let go of the negative feelings that were surrounding me.
When I walked into the mall, my heart started to race because I was hearing SO many noises and all at once.
- The sound of heels tapping across the floor
- The sound of people talking in the distance
- Music exploding from the ceiling
- Kids screaming as they sprinted past me to get to the play area
I honest to God felt like my head was going to explode. As I was walking, I kept cringing and looking over my shoulder to see what was going on around me. I felt a little paranoid. I do not think I passed more than 1 or 2 shops before I made a mad dash into Forever 21 to escape the madness. But this was much much worse! The music in this store was so loud and overbearing. The beat of the music soon matched the beat of my heart rapidly thudding underneath my shirt. As I got deeper and deeper into the store, my anxiety worsened. I couldn’t take it. I had to get the heck out of there. I honestly cannot remember what happened next but next thing I know I have my hands over my ears and I am running out of the store, out of the mall, into the garage, and into the safety of my car. Wow. That was the most overwhelming 7 minutes of my life. I think that this has to be some type of world record for the least amount of time spent in a mall.
While this week has been a bit discouraging for me in my ability to hear and understand people, as well as in my attempts to be “happily social”, I now understand why the Envoy Technician sets the devise at minimal gain for the first couple of months and only allows you to hear and get used a small range of sound. While my experience at the mall was overwhelming, it did give me more confidence in Envoy’s process. I feel like I have the strength to be patient and that everything will fall into place soon enough. If it doesn't then it is not the end. In very small increments, my life changes everyday and I have faith that things will get easier for me.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Helping my Marriage Blossom
Last week, Fraser and I decided that we wanted to start seeing a therapist to help give us the tools we need to overcome the many trials and tribulations that have presented themselves over the last couple of months. Some people think this is crazy since we have only been married for 6 months, but we have encountered more in the last couple of months than most people face in their first couple years of marriage. We love each other and want to be happy. We are not afraid to admit that we need a little extra push to help us get back on track. I am actually really proud that we have taken the step to do this because many couples wait until it is too late. Also, we now are gaining important skills and learning invaluable lessons that will help make our marriage work and last a lifetime.
While walking into our appointment, the sound of the cars flying by was piercing. I asked Fraser what he thought of this and this noise did not seem to bother him. However, this noise was so overwhelmingly loud for me that it overpowered Fraser's voice. I have also found that it is difficult for me to talk on the phone when I am near a busy street. I will have to tell the person on the phone to stop talking until all of the cars are out of site. I wonder if this will become more bearable with time. I wonder if this is something that I will need to learn how to "zone out".
Fraser and I could not be happier with our therapist. I have seen a couple of therapist in my lifetime and I have found that it is very difficult to find a therapist you can trust and connect with. It usually takes a couple of tries so we both feel so fortunate that we were able to find a good connection.
Throughout the session, we both did A LOT of talking...Too much talking. She mentioned that we both have impeccable communication skills and that we have a gift that allows us to express what we are feeling. However, what we learned is that one of our biggest issues as a couple stem from our "listening skills" and "need to be heard". While we are great communicators and able to express how WE feel, we are not listening to each other, and, because of this, we feel that we are not being heard by the other person. She gave us probably the most important pieces of advice we will ever learn about marriage and relationships.
“Strive to listen before trying to being heard”
"Where there is anger and hatred in a relationship, there exist fear, sadness, and loneliness"
We also were able to talk about some of the pent up resentment we have developed towards each other and I think it was just nice to finally digest all we have been through in the last couple of months. Overall, we are both very pleased with how everything went. While we still have many things to work out, we cannot believe how much we learned about our relationship in just one session. We are both so hopeful and cannot wait to live the happy lives we both want and deserve. One of the most wonderful things about marriage is that you have a partner for life. You never have to face anything alone because you always have that person by your side to get you through all of the tough times. However, one of the most difficult parts of marriage is learning to put the needs of your spouse before your own while also letting your emotions/needs be known. We have a long way to go in achieving a marriage like this, but we sure do feel confident in our ability to work through this!
Throughout the session, we both did A LOT of talking...Too much talking. She mentioned that we both have impeccable communication skills and that we have a gift that allows us to express what we are feeling. However, what we learned is that one of our biggest issues as a couple stem from our "listening skills" and "need to be heard". While we are great communicators and able to express how WE feel, we are not listening to each other, and, because of this, we feel that we are not being heard by the other person. She gave us probably the most important pieces of advice we will ever learn about marriage and relationships.
“Strive to listen before trying to being heard”
"Where there is anger and hatred in a relationship, there exist fear, sadness, and loneliness"
We also were able to talk about some of the pent up resentment we have developed towards each other and I think it was just nice to finally digest all we have been through in the last couple of months. Overall, we are both very pleased with how everything went. While we still have many things to work out, we cannot believe how much we learned about our relationship in just one session. We are both so hopeful and cannot wait to live the happy lives we both want and deserve. One of the most wonderful things about marriage is that you have a partner for life. You never have to face anything alone because you always have that person by your side to get you through all of the tough times. However, one of the most difficult parts of marriage is learning to put the needs of your spouse before your own while also letting your emotions/needs be known. We have a long way to go in achieving a marriage like this, but we sure do feel confident in our ability to work through this!
Monday, November 7, 2011
A Discouraging Meeting
To start off my day at work, I had a Webinar training to attend. Our team was set up to view this training together as a group and this was very very difficult for me, to say the least. The sound coming from the phone was a bit distorted and almost sounded like a bad cell phone connection. I asked my colleagues if this was the case but everyone felt that the sound was clear. I guess it was just me and my Esteem. I thought that this may be because the volume on my Esteem was too loud but the quality of sound was not fixed by my multiple readjustments throughout the meeting.
I was obviously very upset (and confused) about why this was happening to me so after the meeting, I talked to the team lead to express my concern. She mentioned that the content being discussed was complicated in general and that the trainer was a bit difficult to follow. The best way to explain this mans voice was that his sentences would start out loud and clear, but then would slowly slowly decrease into a soft mumble that was near impossible for me to hear. Every sentence was sort of like this:
Started at a loud volume and then slowly decreased to nothing…
This, along with "mumblers" and "mouth coverers", are the hearing impaired's worst nightmare!
I was also having a difficult time hearing the other 5 people in the room with me. At this point in my journey, my Esteem has a very difficult time picking up on peoples' voices at a distance. I know that my Esteem is limited to certain tones and ranges until my next readjustment appointment, but this was WAY more difficult than I expected and imagined it to be. This was the first large meeting I attended since my activation and this experience made me feel a bit discouraged and frustrated.
When I returned to my office, I had a voicemail. Through my Esteem ear, the voice on the message was distorted as it was during my training. Interestingly, when I switched it to my hearing aided ear, the distortion went away and it was almost clearer for me. I could, surprisingly, more easily comprehend with my hearing aided ear. I emailed the Envoy Technician about my concern and she suggested that I play around with the device settings to see which setting is the easiest for talking on the phone. She also told me that this is something we can practice and work on during my readjustment appointment next month. Hopefully, we will be able to get this figured out.
While today was a bit discouraging for me, I have to keep reminding myself to stay positive and think of all of the amazing sounds I am now able to hear and experience. This process takes time and I am confident that things will get better and easier for me. This was the first large meeting I have attended since my activation and the first time doing anything is difficult. I just need to continue to put myself out there and get all the practice that I can. Practice makes perfect!
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Lunch Date Hearing
Fras and I just got back from lunch and you will not believe what I was able to hear!
We went to this sports bar right around where I work and it was packed with people watching the football games. When I first walked into the restaurant it was SO loud! Loud noise makes me want to cringe! My device started to produce some muffled feedback so as soon as we sat down, I pulled out my remote and adjusted my device from C3 to A3. This significantly reduced the feedback that I was experiencing from all of the background noise. I actually have the ability to turn down my hearing aids as well. However, one of the (many) limitations of hearing aids is that by doing this, you are turning down the volume on EVERYTHING. Including peoples' voices.
When I turned down my Esteem, it was amazing that I was actually able to hear Fraser better. Adjusting my remote turned down the background noise so that it was at a manageable level, but did not interfere with my ability to hear and understand Fraser when he was talking. I cannot remember the last time Fras and I went out to eat and it was this effortless. Before my implant, I would get so frustrated about not being able to hear and constantly having to ask Fras to repeat himself. I think it was also frustrating for Fras too to have to continually repeat himself. He says this doesn't bother him, but come on. We all know it is annoying. So, sometimes, it was easier to just not talk very much when we went out to eat. I bet you are wondering, "What's the point of going out to eat then?". Well, that is why we stopped eating out and if we did, we would go at odd hours of the day when there would be less of a crowd.
Everything about this lunch was just easier and more natural between us. I do not think that either of us shut up the entire lunch! You could tell that we were both just so happy, laughing hysterically, and just having a good 'ol time. Just like we used to. Seriously, I am still glowing right now. Is this how a date with your husband is supposed to be? Is this how couples are supposed to feel? This was just the right medicine for our marriage!
While this was unbelievable, I think the most amazing part of lunch was my ability to not only hear but actually understand the football announcer talking on the TV. Whenever Fraser and I would go out to eat, Fras would always take notice of music that was playing in the background. I wouldn't even know music was playing most of the time! Even if he directed my attention to it and I focused really hard, I would still not be able to hear it. Look at me now! I was watching football and hearing the announcer on the TV. Fras said the TV was pretty loud but I don’t care. I heard it! What is a bit odd about this situation is that, at home, I can barely hear the TV and am still pretty dependent on subtitles. I wonder why I was able to hear this TV so effortlessly.
Today was amazing and has really connected Fras and I in a new way. I feel so grateful for all of the love and support he has given to me over the last 7 years of our life together. He has been my crutch and has taught me so many things about the person I want to be. While we have had our ups and downs, I truly think I would be lost without him in my life. I am SO looking forward to my new world of communication and all of the new adventures we will now be able to experience because of the Esteem implant. I am telling you people, this device is a miracle!
Friday, November 4, 2011
I Love the Different Sounds a Phone Makes
Last week, the sound I found most amazing was toilets. Yes, toilets. Each one makes a different noise when they are flushed! The sound of water swishing around in the toilet bowl is also different among toilets and depends on the amount of water pressure there is. This noise is also VERY loud and still takes me by surprise from time to time. I am again scared to flush the toilet if I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, as I was when I was a kid. I am sure people think this is crazy but seriously, really listen next time you go to the bathroom and you will see what I am talking about and how cool, but also scary, this really is.
This week, the different sounds a phone makes really amazes me.
First of all, do you know how many different ring tones there are out there? Before my implant, I could barely hear the sound of a phone ringing. Even with my hearing aids in. Even when a phone was right in front of me or in my purse. Each phone I heard ringing sounded the same to me and I never really thought anything of this sound. Well, except for frustration that most ring tones are so high pitched that I am unable to hear them! Gosh. There have been countless occasions in which I would miss out on hearing the phone ring. At work, I have been in meetings where my colleagues phone would ring and I would be too busy talking or taking notes that I would not take notice of this sound at all. If I was talking, I would have to be interrupted so that they were able to answer the phone call.
Same type of thing has happened when hanging out with friends. I would just be doing my own little thing and everyone around me would stop talking and stare at me like I was crazy or something. They would ask, “are you going to get that?”. I would not even know what they were talking about until I saw them looking at the phone and realized it was ringing. Sometimes Fras would have to intervene to save me from looking like a complete idiot and would just hand me the phone. These are moments I would replay in my mind and think to myself, “How embarrassing? How did I not hear that?”.
Now, I can actually hear a phone ringing as well as tell the difference between other people's ring tones. It is quite amazing. I was actually in a conversation with someone at work today, when my phone rang. I was talking and actually heard the phone ringing. Tonight I will replay this moment in my mind and instead of feeling anxiety, sadness, and stress, I will go to bed thinking what a miracle this is and how fortunate I truly am to have this implant.
Another cool thing about phones is how each number has a slightly different tone. I noticed this today when I was checking my messages at work. First of all, dialing a phone is SUCH a high pitched noise that it is no wonder I was not able to pick up on this before my implant. All of the numbers sounded the exact same to me! When I heard this, memories of my childhood started to fill my mind. When I was a kid, I loved music!
One of my favorite things to do was to make music by dialing the numbers on the phone. My speciality in "phone music" was Hot Crust Buns. How did I forget that this was possible? My forgetting this may have sometime to do with the time that I accidentally called 911...Not exactly the music I was trying to make. I think this was the last time I was allowed to make music on the phone.
While I am enjoying the noises a phone makes, I cannot say that I am having the same feelings towards actually talking on the phone. It is much easier for me to hear on my cell phone compared to my work phone or land line phones in general. I felt the same about this when I just had my hearing aids. It is interesting because I hear much better with my Esteem when I talk on my cell phone. However, when I listen with my Esteem on my work phone, everything sounds a bit distorted and I often have to switch the phone to my hearing aided ear in order to follow along in conversation.
I wonder why this may be? I am hoping that this will get better with time and practice, as I am learning how to hear in a new way. I am not sure why I went into this journey thinking that my hearing would change and be "normal" overnight. Think about it. It takes children a couple of years just to learn how to talk, listen, and communicate. Once these skills are developed, they spend, literally, the rest of their lives enhancing and building upon these skills. The process of hearing is continuous. As you get older, you grow and mature. Well, so does your ability to hear.
As I am writing this I am beginning to realize what a long journey this will be for me. And I cannot wait for the ride!
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Sounds of the Night
There are generally so many noises at night, that I do not know how I ever slept before my implant. My nights used to be so quiet and peaceful and now they are filled with noise. And lots of it. How do people sleep at night with all of this noise!!
I sure hope these noises become more commonplace because I am having a very difficult time sleeping at night. Don't get me wrong, I am totally loving this, but, a girl has got to get her beauty rest. :)
This morning, the craziest thing happened. Well not crazy but it totally scared the heck out of me. At about 5 am, I was awaken by this loud crashing noise and literally flung up in bed. "What the heck was that?", I thought to myself. Right now in my hearing journey, I am having a lot of difficulty with directionality of sound. When I hear something, I am not always sure where or from whom the sound is coming from. I started shaking Fras, but trying to wake that boy up is a lost cause sometimes so I just got up and started to walk around. There it was again! This was going to bug the heck out of me if I didn't find out what was going on.
I went into our second bedroom which opens up to our deck and backyard. I opened the french doors and Rufus flew past me towards the fence that separates our backyard from the alley behind our house. My eyes followed him as he pranced through the yard and started barking. It was the garbage truck emptying a weeks worth of garbage. Can you believe that? Since I am not able to sleep with my hearing aids in, I had very little hearing during the night and upon waking up in the morning. I cannot even remember the last time that I heard this noise so loud and clear. Amazing.
- Squeaky noises of the mattress
- The bed banging against the wall as we toss and turn in our sleep
- Our heating system turning on and off throughout the night
- Rufus getting up in the middle of the night to drink water (and sometimes to go to sleep in the basement. This dog is ALL over the place at night - my husband says this is normal but I had no clue)
- My hubby breathing loudly (found out that he is NOT a snorer... thank god!)
- Car doors slamming
- Rufus barking early in the morning so we will let him outside
I sure hope these noises become more commonplace because I am having a very difficult time sleeping at night. Don't get me wrong, I am totally loving this, but, a girl has got to get her beauty rest. :)
This morning, the craziest thing happened. Well not crazy but it totally scared the heck out of me. At about 5 am, I was awaken by this loud crashing noise and literally flung up in bed. "What the heck was that?", I thought to myself. Right now in my hearing journey, I am having a lot of difficulty with directionality of sound. When I hear something, I am not always sure where or from whom the sound is coming from. I started shaking Fras, but trying to wake that boy up is a lost cause sometimes so I just got up and started to walk around. There it was again! This was going to bug the heck out of me if I didn't find out what was going on.
I went into our second bedroom which opens up to our deck and backyard. I opened the french doors and Rufus flew past me towards the fence that separates our backyard from the alley behind our house. My eyes followed him as he pranced through the yard and started barking. It was the garbage truck emptying a weeks worth of garbage. Can you believe that? Since I am not able to sleep with my hearing aids in, I had very little hearing during the night and upon waking up in the morning. I cannot even remember the last time that I heard this noise so loud and clear. Amazing.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
One Week Activation Anniversary
HAPPY ONE WEEK ANNIVERSARY TO ME! My Envoy Esteem device has officially been activated for one whole week! I turned up the device to C3 today. WOW. One week and I am almost through the programming! Is this good or bad? I asked the Envoy Technician and she said that she was happy I was progressing so quickly, and said “NO!”, I am not progressing too quickly!
I also scheduled my readjustment appointment for December 19th. My two month marker would have been December 26th but they allowed me to schedule this a little bit earlier. What a WONDERFUL Christmas present this will be for me! I was told that this appointment is really focused around making it easier for me to understand sound (especially voices) and programming the device to be optimal in environments that are difficult for me. The technician even told me she will bring music so we can test the device to see how it sounds. Live music sounds great, but music on the radio sounds a bit distorted and if something is too loud, it comes off a bit squeaky almost.
Oh man! I seriously cannot wait! And I am SO happy that I am able to be readjusted before the socialness of the holidays! I wonder if it will be easier than last year...
Last year we celebrated Christmas at my oldest sisters house and I remember it being very difficult for me to hear. My family is very close and we can always find fun in anything that we do as long as we are together!! Everyone gets really into games and so we decided to play the game Catch Phrase. I LOVE, well used to love, this game. For those who have not played this game before, you have this circular game piece:
You pick a category and a word will pop up on the screen. You have a certain amount of time to make your team guess what the word is on the screen. So if my word was "Sweater", I may say something like, "This is a piece of clothing you put on when you are cold." Obviously, the words are a little more challenging than this but you get the picture.
Anyways, while you are trying to get your team members to guess the word, the game beeps slowly and then very rapidly when you are about to run out of time. When it was my turn, I would ramble on and on, even when the buzzing had stopped, because, well, I couldn't hear it. People with hearing loss, in a way, have selective hearing. This may not be the best way to describe it, but it is the only thing I can think of at the moment. If we are not focused on the noise, chances are we don't hear it. Our attention has to be focused on the source of the sound we want to hear at all times. I have also been diagnosed with ADHD, which, I think, factors in to my hearing comprehension sometimes so you can probably imagine how difficult it is for me to focus my attention and how much energy it does take me to be in a conversation.
When we were playing this game, I was so focused on the game that I would go off on these little tangents oblivious to the fact the buzzer had stopped. Everyone would stop guessing and be like “Als, your out of time”. My family is very athletic and so we all grew up playing competitive sports. Growing up in this environment give you a little bit of a competitive edge. Obviously, no one likes losing, but in my family, we REALLY do not like losing. Me especially. I'm stubborn. My husband once beat me in the 007 James Bond game on Nintendo 64 and I was so mad that I literally did not talk to him the whole day. I couldn't even look at him. He thought it was hilarious. Every time he would see me, he would just look at me and smile, which, obviously, just pissed me off more. We now look back and laugh about this moment but we learned one very important lesson about our relationship that day: We must always play for the same team, no matter what the game. Even the game of life.
Anyways, I was in such a competitive state of mind that I didn't have my attention on the buzzer, but instead on winning the game. So, I just kept missing it going off. Actually, I do not think I was even able to hear it buzzing at all over the sound of my own voice and other voices trying to guess the word. One of the (many) limitations of hearing aids is that they just amplify sound and make it very difficult to distinguish and filter noises. Either all of the sounds come together as one muffled noise, or the loudest sound in the room (my voice in this situation) overbears all other sound. This is part of the reason noisy situations are so difficult for hearing impaired individuals; background noise is so loud that we cannot hear the people we are trying to have a conversation with.
I am very comfortable with my family but it is still so embarrassing when this type of things happens to me. It just hurts my heart. Fraser and I did not spend Christmas together last year and I know if he was there he would have seen the look on my face and it would have broken his heart too. I remember thinking to myself that night, "Gosh. Why can't I just be normal and have fun and be able to hear like everyone else?". At this point in my life, I honestly cannot imagine a social life that is easy because it has been so difficult to communicate in these situations for so long.
I also scheduled my readjustment appointment for December 19th. My two month marker would have been December 26th but they allowed me to schedule this a little bit earlier. What a WONDERFUL Christmas present this will be for me! I was told that this appointment is really focused around making it easier for me to understand sound (especially voices) and programming the device to be optimal in environments that are difficult for me. The technician even told me she will bring music so we can test the device to see how it sounds. Live music sounds great, but music on the radio sounds a bit distorted and if something is too loud, it comes off a bit squeaky almost.
Oh man! I seriously cannot wait! And I am SO happy that I am able to be readjusted before the socialness of the holidays! I wonder if it will be easier than last year...
Last year we celebrated Christmas at my oldest sisters house and I remember it being very difficult for me to hear. My family is very close and we can always find fun in anything that we do as long as we are together!! Everyone gets really into games and so we decided to play the game Catch Phrase. I LOVE, well used to love, this game. For those who have not played this game before, you have this circular game piece:
You pick a category and a word will pop up on the screen. You have a certain amount of time to make your team guess what the word is on the screen. So if my word was "Sweater", I may say something like, "This is a piece of clothing you put on when you are cold." Obviously, the words are a little more challenging than this but you get the picture.
Anyways, while you are trying to get your team members to guess the word, the game beeps slowly and then very rapidly when you are about to run out of time. When it was my turn, I would ramble on and on, even when the buzzing had stopped, because, well, I couldn't hear it. People with hearing loss, in a way, have selective hearing. This may not be the best way to describe it, but it is the only thing I can think of at the moment. If we are not focused on the noise, chances are we don't hear it. Our attention has to be focused on the source of the sound we want to hear at all times. I have also been diagnosed with ADHD, which, I think, factors in to my hearing comprehension sometimes so you can probably imagine how difficult it is for me to focus my attention and how much energy it does take me to be in a conversation.
When we were playing this game, I was so focused on the game that I would go off on these little tangents oblivious to the fact the buzzer had stopped. Everyone would stop guessing and be like “Als, your out of time”. My family is very athletic and so we all grew up playing competitive sports. Growing up in this environment give you a little bit of a competitive edge. Obviously, no one likes losing, but in my family, we REALLY do not like losing. Me especially. I'm stubborn. My husband once beat me in the 007 James Bond game on Nintendo 64 and I was so mad that I literally did not talk to him the whole day. I couldn't even look at him. He thought it was hilarious. Every time he would see me, he would just look at me and smile, which, obviously, just pissed me off more. We now look back and laugh about this moment but we learned one very important lesson about our relationship that day: We must always play for the same team, no matter what the game. Even the game of life.
Anyways, I was in such a competitive state of mind that I didn't have my attention on the buzzer, but instead on winning the game. So, I just kept missing it going off. Actually, I do not think I was even able to hear it buzzing at all over the sound of my own voice and other voices trying to guess the word. One of the (many) limitations of hearing aids is that they just amplify sound and make it very difficult to distinguish and filter noises. Either all of the sounds come together as one muffled noise, or the loudest sound in the room (my voice in this situation) overbears all other sound. This is part of the reason noisy situations are so difficult for hearing impaired individuals; background noise is so loud that we cannot hear the people we are trying to have a conversation with.
I am very comfortable with my family but it is still so embarrassing when this type of things happens to me. It just hurts my heart. Fraser and I did not spend Christmas together last year and I know if he was there he would have seen the look on my face and it would have broken his heart too. I remember thinking to myself that night, "Gosh. Why can't I just be normal and have fun and be able to hear like everyone else?". At this point in my life, I honestly cannot imagine a social life that is easy because it has been so difficult to communicate in these situations for so long.
I am not exactly sure why I started to reflect on some of these more negative moments in my life because as I am writing this I am almost in tears. I don’t want to be sad about the things I do not have. I want to be happy for every wonderful thing in my life right now. I DO have SO much to thankful for! Yes, a week into this journey, social situations are still pretty difficult for me. However, being able to hear so many sounds again has given me an incredible amount of hope and truly makes me the happiest girl in the whole world. Every day is like Christmas and every night is like Christmas Eve because each day I experience the miracle of sound and each night I get to look forward to the new noises tomorrow will bring. I think that hearing and experiencing new sounds reminds me of what I was not able to hear before my implant and it makes me empathize with others who are struggling to get by with hearing loss. It really is a struggle just to get up in the morning and face a day of ambiguity and stress of not being able to hear.
I just want to end by saying how thankful I am for my kind, loving, and supportive family who I will be able to spend Christmas with knowing that I will be able to hear better than last year.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Hearing Loss and Negative Thinking
Each day I experience new sounds it becomes more difficult to focus at work. I used to be a very social creature who loved to hang out with friends and talk on the phone. As my hearing has rapidly decreased over the last 9 years, I found myself withdrawing from social situations because it became too hard for me to keep up in conversation. For most people, being around others is a positive and uplifting feeling. For me, it is work. I have to focus 100% of my energy just to be able to hear and follow along in conversation. For example, going over to a friends house to relax and watch TV is exhausting for me. I can either have a conversation with you, watch TV, or lay down and relax. I CANNOT do all of three of these things at once! I physically cannot do it! Even if I try 110% to hear someone, I, more often than not, leave the conversation with anxiety and feeling like an idiot. I often find myself replaying conversations in my head wondering if I heard and interpreted the other person correctly. I think to myself how awkward and dumb I am for not being able to hear other people. This vicious little cycle started and soon developed into social anxiety and later, social withdrawal. I slowly lost touch with friends and family. The worst thing about it is that I never really fully explained to them what was going on in my head and why I just faded from their lives. What would you think if someone did this to you with out explanation or warning?
My rapidly decreasing hearing loss and social withdrawal was very difficult for me to deal with so I knew I had to find a way to feel positive about myself in some way, shape, or form. This is when I started to indulge myself into work because, well, it was the one place that I actually felt “good” about myself. I worked hard and people praised me for it. I was recognized for my strengths, not my faults. I felt needed and part of something. It felt good. However, in the last 4 years I have become a bit of a workaholic. My life revolves around my career. My work has taken over my life. Since I wasn’t able to hear and be happily social with others, I felt that I did not have much to offer to other people except for my hard work and time.
My rapidly decreasing hearing loss and social withdrawal was very difficult for me to deal with so I knew I had to find a way to feel positive about myself in some way, shape, or form. This is when I started to indulge myself into work because, well, it was the one place that I actually felt “good” about myself. I worked hard and people praised me for it. I was recognized for my strengths, not my faults. I felt needed and part of something. It felt good. However, in the last 4 years I have become a bit of a workaholic. My life revolves around my career. My work has taken over my life. Since I wasn’t able to hear and be happily social with others, I felt that I did not have much to offer to other people except for my hard work and time.
I can think of thousands of occurrences over the last decade in which I would feel bad about myself for not being able to hear in a certain situation. Can you imagine wasting your day wondering if you will hear something or not? Worrying that you may not be able to hear or understand someone in conversation and meetings? Contemplating if you should go the grocery store in fear that you will not be able to hear the cashier when you checkout? Spending your nights in bed unable to sleep because you are worried about what embarrassing social interaction will happen tomorrow?
I mean WHAT A FREAKING WASTE OF A DAY!!! WHAT A WASTE OF TIME!!!
I am not going to lie, I sometimes find myself thinking about these things, but these thoughts no longer corrupt my mind as they used to. It is amazing how much optimism this surgery has given me to know that I am better than this. I know that I CAN have the life that I want and thought was not obtainable anymore. I have the power to change my life and it all starts with a positive thought and the want to get it. It is no wonder they call this implant “Esteem” because it really has helped build my self-esteem and I am so thankful that I was able to receive this surgery and now have the confidence to move past this way of thinking and begin to live my life, happily, less stressed, and less exhausted from the negative thoughts that surrounded my life before. So, a special "thanks" to Envoy for inventing the Esteem and helping me find the person I want to be and the person I always knew I was. THANK YOU!
I mean WHAT A FREAKING WASTE OF A DAY!!! WHAT A WASTE OF TIME!!!
I am not going to lie, I sometimes find myself thinking about these things, but these thoughts no longer corrupt my mind as they used to. It is amazing how much optimism this surgery has given me to know that I am better than this. I know that I CAN have the life that I want and thought was not obtainable anymore. I have the power to change my life and it all starts with a positive thought and the want to get it. It is no wonder they call this implant “Esteem” because it really has helped build my self-esteem and I am so thankful that I was able to receive this surgery and now have the confidence to move past this way of thinking and begin to live my life, happily, less stressed, and less exhausted from the negative thoughts that surrounded my life before. So, a special "thanks" to Envoy for inventing the Esteem and helping me find the person I want to be and the person I always knew I was. THANK YOU!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)