Sounds of the Mall

Today at work I had to attend another Webinar training. I had such high hopes that attending meetings at work would be easier for me, but the last training I attended left me feeling hopeless. I am happy to report that the quality of the sound ended up being much clearer than the first time which made the training much easier to follow. However, I was probably only understanding about 50% of what was being said. Learning to hear again is not a simple task. It is frustrating and overwhelming. It takes A LOT of patience. Patience that I am losing every time a situation is this difficult for me.

One of the most important things that Fraser has taught me is to speak up and be my own advocate about my hearing loss. However, sometimes I wish that I didn't have anything to speak up about. I wish I could have a normal life and be a normal employee. I hate, more than anything, that accommodations have to be made for me. Oh, everyone has to move so Alex can sit at the front of the room. People also have to communicate with me in different ways in order for me to hear.

As I left work, I felt so many negative emotions so decided to stop at the Mall on my way home. "Retail Therapy" is the cure to everything. I also knew I just needed to walk around and let go of the negative feelings that were surrounding me.

When I walked into the mall, my heart started to race because I was hearing SO many noises and all at once. 

• The sound of heels tapping across the floor
• The sound of people talking in the distance
• Music exploding from the ceiling
• Kids screaming as they sprinted past me to get to the play area

I honest to God felt like my head was going to explode. As I was walking, I kept cringing and looking over my shoulder to see what was going on around me. I felt a little paranoid. I do not think I passed more than 1 or 2 shops before I made a mad dash into Forever 21 to escape the madness. But this was much much worse! The music in this store was so loud and overbearing. The beat of the music soon matched the beat of my heart rapidly thudding underneath my shirt. As I got deeper and deeper into the store, my anxiety worsened. I couldn’t take it. I had to get the heck out of there. I honestly cannot remember what happened next but next thing I know I have my hands over my ears and I am running out of the store, out of the mall, into the garage, and into the safety of my car. Wow. That was the most overwhelming 7 minutes of my life. I think that this has to be some type of world record for the least amount of time spent in a mall.

While this week has been a bit discouraging for me in my ability to hear and understand people, as well as in my attempts to be “happily social”, I now understand why the Envoy Technician sets the devise at minimal gain for the first couple of months and only allows you to hear and get used a small range of sound. While my experience at the mall was overwhelming, it did give me more confidence in Envoy’s process. I feel like I have the strength to be patient and that everything will fall into place soon enough. If it doesn't then it is not the end. In very small increments, my life changes everyday and I have faith that things will get easier for me.