Revision Surgery (Part 4): Hearing Aid Adjustment

On Thursday, the day after my post-op appointment, I was scheduled to see Dr. Tucker so that she could adjust the hearing aid for my right, non-Esteem ear, as this would be my only ear for the next two weeks!

As I had mentioned in a previous post (click HERE to view), I lost and had to be fitted for a new hearing aid right before I left for surgery. When my hearing aid finally arrived the week before surgery, my audiologist was able to fit my hearing aid with a standard adjustment based on my most recent hearing test (which had been almost a year ago). She knew I was in a bit of a time crunch and wanted to get it to me as soon as she possibly could. I had been worried that it would not sound right since I was not there during the fitting, but I was actually surprised by how much better everything sounded with my new hearing aid. However, being being the perfectionist that I am, I felt the need to have another test conducted so that my hearing aid could be more personally programmed to fit my needs. 

I managed to get an appointment the Friday before I was leaving for surgery. However, looking back, I kind of wish that I would have just stuck with the settings she gave me originally. While I was more than grateful that my new audiologist was able to get my hearing aid to me so quickly, our personalities had definitely clashed while she was trying to adjust my hearing aid. The entire time I continually expressed my discomfort, as some sounds felt piercingly loud to the point where I would actually cringe. Normally, I would say the louder the better, but since my hearing has decreased at such an expedited rate, I have become increasingly concerned  that my hearing aid may actually be damaging my hearing. So, over the past year or so, I have tried to be cautious about having my settings "too" loud.

No matter what I said, my audiologist just would not listen to me. During the entire appointment, I had felt like she was basically telling me that what I was experiencing was wrong or impossible. Like she knew what the heck I was experiencing in that moment! It was like she programmed my hearing aid strictly based on my new test results and didn't care to tweak it further as she told me, "The test do not lie". After more probing, she turned the entire volume down a couple of notches, which did not seem to help remove the piercing tone in the slightest (just made the sounds that did feel comfortable quieter). I also had the feeling that she was trying to rush me out of there because after a few tweaks she seemed to just give up and tell me that there was nothing more she could do. I left my appointment in tears. I was actually so upset that instead of going straight to work, I took a detour home to calm myself down. Since it was a Friday, and I was leaving early Monday morning, I, unfortunately, was not able to "fix" things before my trip to San Jose, and quite frankly, I was even not sure if I ever wanted to go back and see her again.

Anyways, during my pre-op appointment, I had told Dr. Tucker about what had happened and expressed my concern with the piercing and uncomfortable pitches. While she seemed concerned for me, she was not sure if she had any available appointments on such late notice. As amazing as she is, she somehow managed to fit me in on Thursday, the day before we were scheduled to leave. As you can imagine, I was beyond relieved.

I do not know why but I have had such a difficult time finding an audiologist in Denver whom I feel comfortable with and trust; someone who will listens to my every need and concern; someone who treats me like I am their only patient (even if it means making others wait). Essentially, I have not been able to find someone as wonderful as my audiologist in St. Louis, Jennifer. 

I have to say that Dr. Tucker definitely met my approval. She is such a kind person and seems to really care about her patients. I felt as if she listened to my concerns and made tweaks and adjustments based on what I was telling her. She even went the extra mile to make loud noises so that we could figure out the tone that was uncomfortable and make sure that it was no longer piercing. If something did not sound right, she would try something new. She did not give up. She also was able to customized programs so that I would be able to turn the volume up and down, which my audiologist in Denver said was impossible to do with only one hearing aid. 

I left that appointment feeling much more comfortable and happy about my hearing aid adjustments which gave me faith that there are doctors/audiologist out there who do truly care about US as people. Who sympathize with our everyday struggle and want nothing more than to help us and make our lives easier. 

What I realized today is that, sometimes, being your best advocate is not always about asking the right questions, or being informed, or pushing your doctor/audiologist to get you what you need. Sometimes, it is not even about you; it is about them. To them, you may always be just another patient; another piece of paper. And unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to change that. Except...well...walking away. Just like any relationship in our lives, your relationship with your health care provider must be built on trust and you must feel that "spark" or "connection". So, what I realized is that being your best advocate is sometimes, simply, knowing in your heart what you deserve and when it is time to walk away. 

A Survival Guide for New Deafies! (GREAT BOOK)

My husband got me a Kindle for Christmas and I found the most amazing book! It is called A Survival Guide for New Deafies! and is specifically written for people who suffer from late on-set hearing loss, LIKE ME!

It is a short book (only 39 pages) and took me about 30 minutes to read. It is one of those books that I will read over and over again whenever I am feeling down about myself or am unable to hear something; very inspiring. If you are suffering from hearing loss and are having a difficult time accepting it as your reality, then I definitely suggest you read this. It is also a great book for family and friends of Deafies to read so that they can understand the struggle we face and how to react to your situation.

Here are the "rules" that are outlined in this book:

• Always have a sense of humor about your hearing loss
• Never Apologize for being a Deafie! NEVER!
• Be honst about your new Deafie status to old and new friends, family, and associates 
• Learn all modes of communication
• Stay social!
• Understand your hearing loss
• Allow for only small moments of self pity!!
• Beware of non-believers

Just thought I would share this piece of inspiration to anyone out there struggling with hearing loss! :)

Road Trip To St. Louis

Fraser and I are spending the Christmas holiday with my family in St. Louis! 


We were planning to leave last night, but a huge snowstorm hit Kansas and parts of I-70 were closed so we decided it would be best to wait until today to start driving. I am glad that we decided to drive instead of fly because I heard that DIA (Denver International Airport) was PACKED and many flights were delayed. Nothing like spending 8 hours in the airport waiting for your flight to take off (yes, this has actually happened to me). 


Many people hate traveling by car, but I have come to love it! Growing up as a kid, my family drove everywhere when we went on vacation and, while it was not always the most pleasant experience, some of my favorite moments from childhood are from our family road trips. I think our longest drive was from St. Louis to Fort Lauderdale (~24 hours if I remember correctly), besides our family trip to visit colleges during the summer between my sisters Junior and Senior year of high school, which was a 10 day trip through the Midwest, up to New York, and down through most of the east coast. Many “Griswald” memories… Anyways, I was very excited for our road trip to St. Louis.

When we woke up this morning, my ears were hurting and kept feeling like they needed to pop. I kept holding my nose while swallowing but it just didn’t seem to do the trick. I had not taken my allergy medicine in almost a week so we had to take a little detour this morning to find a Walgreens that was open at 6:00 am!


I decided to take the first shift of driving because I was so excited to just listen to music with the open road in front of me. When I drove home from work yesterday, music on the radio sounded AMAZING! SO much different than it had sounded in the last two months. I didn’t experience any distortion and I was able to actually hear the different instruments. I was also able to hear the words well enough to later find the songs on itunes to download them for our road trip. However, driving on the highway while listening to music was quite different for me.

First of all, I was so overwhelmed by all of noises a car makes. Before my re-adjustment appointment, the sound of driving a car was mostly just a loud muffled noise. When I was driving today, I noticed that a car makes a different noise as you drive over different parts of the highway. Also, in certain parts I heard this constant “clunk-clunk”, which sounded almost like a horse galloping. I actually remember as a kid not being able to sleep in the car because I was so distracted by this on some parts of the highway. I would even sing songs in my head to the beat of this noise. I also took notice to the sounds that the car makes when it accelerates. It is weird how I never really noticed these little things before.

So, these car noises were a bit overwhelming for me and interfered with the sound of the music. It took a good 2 hours of trial and error to find the programming that would take away the background noise but also allow me to hear the music clearly. I think I tried each and every volume on each and every program setting. I also tried this in conjunction with adjusting the car stereo. 


My husband woke up while I was in the middle of trying to figure this out and told me that the quality of the music I have been downloading is really bad. It made me feel better knowing that it sounded a little crackly to him as well, but it is weird that I never noticed how poor the quality of my music was. Maybe that is why it sounded so bad before? It wasn’t until he plugged in his ipod that things sounded a bit more comfortable. Unfortunately, his ipod has thousands of songs and it is so difficult to sort through and find the ones I actually like!

I feel like each of my 3 program settings have their plus’s and minus's when it comes to listening to music, but none of them sounded “perfect” (if that is even possible). I feel like the programming that sounded the best for one song, was not always true for the next song. I found what worked best for me and produced the least amount of distortion was if I had my Esteem set lower and the volume in the car set higher. If I turned my Esteem past volume 3 on any of the programming, I would experience crackling distortion. What I found interesting was that when I did increase the volume past 3, the actual instrumentals sounded great, loud, and clear. It seemed that the voice of the singer or the cheering in the background (from albums recorded live from concerts) was what produced the distortion. So, after many hours of trying, I found C3 to be the “best” setting. While the noises of the car were a bit louder than I would have liked, I think the music sounded the clearest at this setting. 


I did talk to my husband about this and he said that when you are driving on the highway, it is just loud. That is the way it is. He explained that the noisiness of the car is what he hears too which is why he has to increase the volume so that he can hear it over the loud noises of the car. He also explained to me that more “basey” bands or singers with deeper voices are more difficult to hear since the sound of the car drowns out the music so he also has to adjust the volume depending on type of music he is listening to.

What I found to be pretty amazing is that songs were much easier for me to identify. Before my Esteem, it would take me at least 30 seconds to identify a song that was being played. I would first have to turn it very loud so that I could actually hear what the song was, and once I identified it, I would be able turn it down and then follow along more easily. So, I feel like I am actually hearing the music much better than I ever did before.

Right now, Fras is driving and listening to talk radio. This, for some reason, is not as clear on C3. I find that listening to talk radio and talking in the car is much easier on my “Background” settings. I found B7 to be the easiest for me to comprehend what was being said, of course when I put the effort in to do so.

I also want to mention one of the few benefits of having a disability. It can get you out of speeding tickets. I was a little speed demon when I was driving earlier today and got pulled over. With all of the cars flying by, I wasn’t able hear what the officers was saying so I kindly explained to him that I am hearing impaired, just got surgery, and was having a difficult time hearing him and asked if he could speak up. We started talking to him about the surgery and our plans for the holiday as I tired to find my license and registration. He went to his car and came back a minute later with a warning. Score! This is actually the third time I have played the "hearing impaired" card and gotten out of a ticket.

Hearing Test Results From First Adjustment

As I mentioned in my last post, I completed a hearing test during my re-adjustment appointment. This is probably one of my least favorite things in the world. I mean who likes to be tested and scored on something you know you are not very good at! Well, I received my test results today and I have to say that I am very disappointed with my scores and feel like I am hearing a lot more than what is showing up in this test. 


Before the implant, I had severe to profound hearing loss (in the lower and high ranges, respectively). My test is showing only a 5 decibel improvement with my Esteem, with the greatest improvement at 15,000Hz (80 to 30 decibels). I also had requested my hearing test from the day of my activation, and, at most frequencies, my hearing was, on average, 5 decibels better than my recent test. My test scores went down from my activation to my readjustment. Also, my Esteem scores are about 5-10 decibels less than my hearing aided scores. 


It really broke my heart when I saw these tests. I told my husband this and he was shocked as well and felt that he has noticed such a difference in my hearing and speech. I am feeling very concerned about this lack of improvement and am hoping that it has something to do with my cold instead of something more serious. I emailed my Technician about this to see if she could offer any explanation. 

Additionally, my word understanding increased from 68% to 76%. I was told that patients typically increases about 10-15% at this stage in the process and I am below that average with an 8% increase. I am not trying to justify anything, but I do feel like it is difficult to really detect an accurate account of differences when my pre-test took place in Denver, in which the audiologist said the word, and the test today used a recorded voice. When I was tested in St. Louis just 3 months before my test in Denver, my word understanding was 20%. I think this was so low because they used a recording of a female with a high pitch voice. So I am not going to let myself get too discouraged about this, as I will have a more accurate comparison when I am tested at my next readjustment appointment. 


While I am trying to stay positive about this (the situations is what it is), I am a bit concerned and will feel much better once I hear what the Envoy Technician has to say about this. More details to come...

Envoy Questionnaire| Comfortable Settings & Difficult Situations

Prior to my adjustment appointment, Envoy requested that I fill out a questionnaire addressing what sounds are comfortable for me as well as any situations that have been difficult for me to hear in over the last 2 months (since my activation). I have outlined the answers to this questionnaire below. 

What profile/volume do you use most of the time?

I use C3 or C4 most of the time. If I am in a noisy environment, B3 is most comfortable.

How often do you change your settings?

I progressed through the settings fairly quickly. I increased the volume about every two days and was at comfortably at C3 (without having to go back to the B settings every once in a while) after about two weeks. Since then, I have been going up and down from C3 to C5 depending on how much head congestion I experienced on a particular day. 

Which other settings have you used?

I have used them all at some point in the progress.

Are there environment(s) where you feel that you may have some issues with your hearing? What are the environment(s)? What were the issue(s)? What profile/volume did you try to use in that environments(s)? What profile/volume did you change while having the issue(s)? How did this impact your hearing? Did you ask a normal hearing companion if they had a similar experience to any degree in this environment?

Road and Car Noises While Driving. These noises sound loud, muffled, and interfere with my ability to understand what others in the car are saying. If I turn it down to the B settings this produces less interference. I asked my husband and he said that car noises are muffled, can be loud, and can sometimes interfere with his ability to hear. However, he is almost always able to carry on a conversation while driving with me or others. 

Music from a speaker (e.g., my computer or on the radio) or with my ear phones (e.g., ipod). While live music sounds great, music from these venues do not sound natural to me. Parts of songs will sound okay, but then all of a sudden there will be a squeaky noise that is a bit distorted and feels uncomfortable to my ear. I have tried different volume combinations on my Esteem and the music source and cannot find a combination that feels comfortable for me. It is either too soft for me to really hear it but no squeaky distortion, OR it is loud enough for me to hear with the squeaky distortion. The setting that fits "best" is B3. I asked my husband to put the music at a volume that is comfortable to him and told him what I experienced and his reaction was not the same.

Large Group Meetings at Work. I have a difficult time hearing people at a distance from me and find myself pretty dependent on looking at people to understand what they are saying. Background noise, such as the heat blowing, interferes with my ability to hear and understand people.  The volume I found to be best in these situations is C4 or C5. I did not ask others about this situations but everyone in the rooms seems to be able to follow.

Watching TV. I have a difficult time hearing my TV and am still pretty dependent on closed captioning for understanding. C4 or C5 is the setting that is the easiest for me. My husband says that 13 is a comfortable volume for him and I liked to have the volume at about 23 so that I can actually hear. Turning my device up helps a little, but not enough that I could hear comfortably at 13.

Group Settings/Noisy Places (e.g., restaurants). I have a difficult time filtering out background noise in these settings and find that people voices blend with the background noise. I still have to read lips in order to understand and follow along in conversation. I find that one-on-one interaction is easier than group settings. The A settings make everything too quiet and the C settings are too loud. I found the B programming to be best in this type of setting. When I have asked people about this, they do tell me that the place is just "really loud"; however, I feel like they are able to understand everyone and follow along in conversation pretty easily.

My Work Phone. I am able to hear pretty well on my cell phone but I have a VERY difficult time talking on my work phone. Voices are a bit distorted and crackly and I actually find my hearing aid to produce a clearer sound. I have tried a few volume combinations with my Esteem and the phone, and still find it difficult. I did not ask others about this but all employees use the same type of phone regularly without issues.

As you can imagine I am more than excited for my readjustment and hope that after some tweaking, I will be able to hear better in all (or at least most) of these situations.

Head Cold and Feedback From My Esteem

Most of the feedback and distortion I have experienced with my Esteem has sounded oceany or like a crackling noise. Up until last week, I had only experienced the high pitched screeching feedback twice. However, I have only heard this on the highest profile setting (C5) and it has never been constant. The first time I heard this type of feedback was about a week before Thanksgiving when I got out of the shower and wrapped my hair in a towel. My ear was folded within my towel when this happened so, once I adjusted the position of my ear the feedback went away. Just to be safe, I changed my programming to C4 that evening. I wonder if having water in my ear caused this feedback?

The night of Thanksgiving is when I heard this high-pitched feedback again. I had spent a long day at work (yes, work!) in effort to save my holiday time for Christmas and we had spent the evening with Frasers’ parents cooking and eating dinner, so I was pretty exhausted that evening. Fraser collapsed in bed and I jumped in bed on top of him, laying my head on chest. This was when I heard the squeaky high-pitched feedback for the second time. I looked at Fraser and asked him if he heard it too. He seemed puzzled as to what I was talking about. As a joke, my husband calls my hearing aids my “squeakers” because every time I try to cuddle with him and lay in his nook, they would produce a loud screeching feedback that he could actually hear.  I guess he cannot hear feedback from my Esteem!

Throughout my life, even as a young child, I have always experienced seasonal allergies but since my surgery, my head congestion has been a bit out of control. I have been coughing up some questionable mucus and just feel like I have a permanent sinus infection. Interestingly, I have not actually felt sick. I was told by Dr. Marzo that I should expect to have some head congestion for the next couple of months and that taking an over the counter decongestant should help reduce the amount of fluids and make this a bit more manageable. During my activation, I was told that head congestion or having a cold may make it more difficult to hear, as it would when a person with normal hearing has a cold. I was also told that having a cold produces fluids in your ear which could also cause feedback. Throughout the last couple of month I have been taking Zyertec D pretty consistently and have found that this does have an effect on how well I am able to hear. I am generally able to hear much better when it is in my system.

Towards the end of November, I saw my doctor for a check-up and told her what I was experiencing. She put me on an antibiotic for 10 days but that didn’t really seem to do the trick. For the last week, I have been experiencing the high-pitched screeching feedback every time I blow my nose. Basically, my ear would pop while blowing my nose and I would experience this feedback until I swallowed and my ear had un-popped. This was even happening when I went down to C3. When my ears popped, it sort of hurt. The pain was not unbearable but it definitely didn’t feel good! I have only had one ear infection in my entire life and I just remember my ear popping and it feeling similar to this.

So, basically I have been experiencing the signs of a cold for the last month but I did not actually start feeling sick until this weekend. When I woke up yesterday, my nose was so stuffed up I could barely breath, my glands were so swollen I couldn’t even talk, and I was coughing up some questionable mucus. I spent most of the day sleeping, which my puppy Rufus did not like.  He kept sneaking into the bedroom with his ball, trying desperately do play fetch with me. At one point, he dropped his ball underneath the bed and started whimpering because he couldn’t get it. I stuck my head underneath the bed so I could grab his ball and my ear started screeching with the high-pitched feedback but this time it did not stop. I had to turn my ear down in order to get this feedback to go away. Something was definitely not right.

First thing this morning, Fraser called the doctor and made an appointment for me. She said I have an ear and sinus infection (boo!) and put me on the Z-pack, steroids, a decongestant, and cough syrup so I hope to get this cold out of my system before my readjustment appointment next week. I am very concerned that this will impact my appointment and I pray to God that everything will work out for the best.

Thinking Too Much

I wonder what sounds I am not hearing, but do not know I am not hearing because I have no one there to tell me of that sound. Also, others may not think twice of a noise so they may not outwardly say it so I wouldn’t know to listen for a noise. I think this may have something to do with my ADHD but sometimes I will not hear something until it is brought to my attention by someone. Then, when I focus on the noise I am able to hear it. Thinking about this I wondering if I am actually hearing it or if it is just a memory of that sound. I think I am thinking too much and need to go to bed…

Hearing Aids In The Shower

The weirdest thing has been happening to me recently. I am still not 100% used to hearing different sounds so every time I get into the shower, I start to freak out when I hear all of the noises of the shower. I scramble to pull my hearing aid out and then realize that I do not have my hearing aid in. There is nothing to "take out" because I am hearing this out of my "real" ear. I am hearing with my Esteem! There used to be so many occasions when I would forget to take my hearing aids out when I got in the shower and would realize 30 seconds after that they were still in. I would frantically scream for Fraser to come get them and put them in my dry box. I am actually surprised my hearing aids are still working…I am so thankful that I no longer have to worry about this happening!

Last Day of Filming for the Oprah Network

The film crew from the Oprah Network came back for our last day of filming. It was the same crew except for the producer. Madeleine was not able to make it :( so they flew in a producer from LA. She was great, and Fras and I really enjoyed spending time with and getting to know her. The crew arrived at our house at 8am and had a full day of filming scheduled for us!

First on the agenda was City Park. I had actually never been here before so I was very excited to go and “experience sounds” here. As we were walking into the park, the first thing I heard was my footsteps among the leaves. This was not a new sound for me to hear, but I swear, the more I hear certain noises the more crisp and clear the sound becomes. Also, the more I hear different sounds, the easier it is for me to identify and differentiate between sounds. 


City park is near the zoo and there was a Whooping Crane that was very noisy on this Sunday morning. While walking, I kept hearing this bird in conjunction with children on the playground. Both of the noises were sharp and high pitch. I had a very difficult time telling the difference between these two noises when we first arrived at the park. As we made our way to the playground, there were three little girls singing as they were swinging on the swings. I could not make out what they were singing until I asked Fraser. He told me they were counting and he started to count with them, whispering under his breath. I followed Fraser's counting and matched it to the counting of the little girls. That was when I actually understood, for myself, what exactly they were singing. I wonder why I was not able to understand what they singing on my own. How was I able to understand this after Fraser had told me? When will I learn to hear, identify, and understand this on my own? Although I was not able to pick up on what they were singing right away, I was able to differentiate between when the were singing compared to when they were just simply chatting. 


The most memorable part of this experience for me was hearing a child's laughter. There is something about the innocence of children that relaxes me and puts a big smile on my face. Childhood. Everything was an exciting adventure. So much hope. So much to look forward too. For the first time in 9 years, I feel like I can relate. My lifelong dream has been to work with children, but because of my hearing loss it became very difficult for me communicate with them since their voices are so high pitch. What I experienced in the park today has really inspired me to work with kids again. It is so easy to forget what you are missing out on when you have avoided it for so many years. 

Our next stop was The Denver Zoo. We had our own escort and had VIP access to see the Coo Coo bird. This bird was ridiculously loud and really could drive someone "Coo Coo". They had Fraser and I wait outside while they got the bird ready and “vocal”. I remember waiting outside the room and thinking to myself, "What the heck is going on in there? Is this bird being slaughtered?” That’s how loud and alarming this sound was. 


When we first walked into the room, it all just seemed like one big noise to me and was causing a little feedback with my ear. However, the longer we stayed in there, the more natural the noise became and the more I was able to hear all of the different levels of the Coo Coo birds' screams. I think before my implant this noise would have seemed like one big blob of sound, but it was amazing that I was able to hear and differentiate among the different squawking calls this bird made. The bird was so loud though that it made me want to cringe at some times. It was almost painful. Not painful like it would be if you got pinched but a different kind of pain that is too difficult to explain. This is a pain I don’t think I have ever experienced. It was almost a good pain to know that my ears now have the capacity to hear something like this. That sound is actually too loud for me instead of me struggling to hear. My adrenalin was rushing and my heart was beating a mile a minute the entire time we spent with the bird. The feeling I was experiencing was overwhelming but in a good way. The producer noticed my reaction to all of this and did a quick interview afterward but I was so BAHHH excited and giddy and shaky. This was not like anything I had experience yet!


Our next stop was the monkey house, as we had been told that the monkeys have been "vocal" recently. However, there was not much activity and the only thing I did hear was the “choo choo” of the train and the “ding ding ding” of the bell at the train station behind us. Fraser cracked a joke about how I ALWAYS want to ride the train everytime we are at the zoo and the film crew decided it was time to finally fulfill this desire! We road around once and the sound of the train moving on the tracks overwhelmed my ears and, because of that, I was not able to hear much else besides the whistle and bell of the train. Throughout the entire ride, the conductor was talking and although I was able to hear him loud and clear, I was not able to make out what he was saying. After we road around, the film crew asked the conductor if they could get some shots of the bell and the train whistle. I decided this was too much fun for me to miss out on so I asked if I could be the one who actually did the "ringing" and "tooting".  I don’t think the zoo would have let me do this on any other day so I took advantage of this and just had fun with it! 


We ate some lunch and then fed the Lorikeets. Again, FREE access and food for the birds! I placed my hand near one of the birds and it jumped right onto my hand and started eating the nector! I have never experienced anything like this so this was pretty cool. I think I was so distracted with this that I really did not take notice to the sounds I was hearing. I heard the birds chirping but the noise was very faint. The sound of others talking around me was what I heard the most. After this we decided to call it quits and move on to the next activity.

After the zoo we went to a music store. I have to say that this was probably, by far, the most awkward of all the filming that we did because I have absolutely NO musical talent. When we first walked in, Fras and I started to play with some little noise makers. We got into a little groove and “crack!”. I broke one of the instruments! I felt SO awful about this. Of course this happens to me… on camera! After my embarrassing moment, I moved on to something that was a little harder to break… windchimes. I LOVED this noise! It is so peaceful. Probably my second favorite sound besides water. I can't remember the last time I heard this, but Fraser mentioned to me that his family has wind chimes at their house in Naples and Aspen, and in the 4 years we have been going there, I have not noticed this noise once! What a beautiful sound that I have been missing out on.


I was then filmed playing around on the piano. I had actually taken piano lessons as a kid, but my mind went blank on what to play so I was just sitting there, tapping random keys. I kept thinking to myself "doo doo doo. This is so awkward". I tried to break this awkward moment by sliding my fingers all the way down the piano in one swift motion! I had everyone laughing after that and that is when I decided to be done with the piano. I then went on to play the drums and was asked to describe the sounds I was hearing. This was very difficult for me because how does one really explain sound? The way I see sound is that either I love it, I hate it, or just don't take notice to it. It is hard to explain why something sounds good or bad. It just does. Also, I must say that I don’t like how any instrument sounds when I play it but when I was able to hear the store owner play, it was glorious. I was able to pick out 3 different string instruments for him to play and I picked the mandalin, violin, and banjo. I loved them all but my favorite was the banjo. Not sure if this is because of my midwestern roots or because of my favorite episode of Family Guy when Stewie plays the banjo ("I got blisters on me fingers!"). Before we left, the store had invited us to attend the children's music recital. We still had one more thing to do, so we were only able to stay for the first couple of songs but it was breathtaking. Live music is incredible! This kids were amazingly talented!


What I realized about my experience at the music store today was just how much I miss music. I have mentioned this before, but I have always loved music. I never had the musical talent, but I loved everything about the way it sounded. I especially loved classical music and would sometimes pretend I was the conductor of the symphony, acknowledging each instrument. I have always loved musicals as well. I cannot even tell you how many nights my mom and I would spend watching old movies, singing and dancing to the music. Also, during the summer my family would go to outdoor musicals at the St. Louis Muny. However, in the last couple of year music just hasn’t sounded very clear to me so I just stopped listening to it. Hearing all of these different instruments today made me realize how much I am missing out on and has inspired me to bring music back into my life.

Our last stop of the day was Wash Park Grill. Fras and I were EXHAUSTED at this point but were excited to finally spend a nice romantic dinner together which was a bit difficult to do with a camera and bright lights in your face. I was a bit nervous about dinner because this restaurant is very dark and noisy, and has been challenging for me in the past. However, tonight was almost effortless and I was also able to hear so some new noises I never noticed before my implant. I heard the clinking of our glasses. I heard the sound of the knife rubbing against the plate as Fras was cutting his food. I was able to have a conversation with Fraser while chewing and not looking at him. 


Today was pretty darn amazing and was the perfect end to my week. I left work on Friday feeling discouraged about everything but today was really fun and boosted my confidence in my future of hearing. 

Helping my Marriage Blossom

Last week, Fraser and I decided that we wanted to start seeing a therapist to help give us the tools we need to overcome the many trials and tribulations that have presented themselves over the last couple of months. Some people think this is crazy since we have only been married for 6 months, but we have encountered more in the last couple of months than most people face in their first couple years of marriage. We love each other and want to be happy. We are not afraid to admit that we need a little extra push to help us get back on track. I am actually really proud that we have taken the step to do this because many couples wait until it is too late. Also, we now are gaining important skills and learning invaluable lessons that will help make our marriage work and last a lifetime.

While walking into our appointment, the sound of the cars flying by was piercing. I asked Fraser what he thought of this and this noise did not seem to bother him. However, this noise was so overwhelmingly loud for me that it overpowered Fraser's voice. I have also found that it is difficult for me to talk on the phone when I am near a busy street. I will have to tell the person on the phone to stop talking until all of the cars are out of site. I wonder if this will become more bearable with time. I wonder if this is something that I will need to learn how to "zone out".

Fraser and I could not be happier with our therapist. I have seen a couple of therapist in my lifetime and I have found that it is very difficult to find a therapist you can trust and connect with. It usually takes a couple of tries so we both feel so fortunate that we were able to find a good connection. 

Throughout the session, we both did A LOT of talking...Too much talking. She mentioned that we both have impeccable communication skills and that we have a gift that allows us to express what we are feeling. However, what we learned is that one of our biggest issues as a couple stem from our "listening skills" and "need to be heard".  While we are great communicators and able to express how WE feel, we are not listening to each other, and, because of this, we feel that we are not being heard by the other person. She gave us probably the most important pieces of advice we will ever learn about marriage and relationships. 


“Strive to listen before trying to being heard”  


"Where there is anger and hatred in a relationship, there exist fear, sadness, and loneliness"


We also were able to talk about some of the pent up resentment we have developed towards each other and I think it was just nice to finally digest all we have been through in the last couple of months. Overall, we are both very pleased with how everything went. While we still have many things to work out, we cannot believe how much we learned about our relationship in just one session. We are both so hopeful and cannot wait to live the happy lives we both want and deserve. One of the most wonderful things about marriage is that you have a partner for life. You never have to face anything alone because you always have that person by your side to get you through all of the tough times. However, one of the most difficult parts of marriage is learning to put the needs of your spouse before your own while also letting your emotions/needs be known. We have a long way to go in achieving a marriage like this, but we sure do feel confident in our ability to work through this!

Emergency Break

This morning, I was lucky enough to find a parking place about 2 blocks away from my office building. Score! It was on a little bit of a hill so I had to turn my emergency break on. When I got back into my car, I had totally forgotten that my emergency break was on and started to drive away. I cannot even express how many times this has happened to me before and I would normally drive for miles before I even recognized this, which probably explains why I recently had to replace my break pads. However, today I noticed right away because… 


dun dun dun DUN!


My car has a dinging notification to let me know of this! How convenient! If only I could have heard this before! I wouldn’t say that this noise was outwardly loud (like OMG how did I miss this), but I have had my car for four years and NEVER heard this before. AMAZING.

Halloween Hearing

Before I get started on this post, I want to mention that as I sat down in bed to write this, Fras just took a break from his video games to come say hi to me.  Right now I am laying in bed in the dark typing. The light of the computer screen blinds me from seeing his face as he is standing at the door. I just had a mini-conversation with him and I didn’t ask “what?” once. Pretty cool!  I always get excited when I make it in conversation without having to ask “what?” This doesn’t happen very often (still even on day 6 after my activation!). I want to understand people better! I am getting impatient!

Because of my impatience, I decided to turn the devise up again this morning.  Since the A and B programs have a bit of an overlap, the Envoy Technician told me to go from A5 to B3. Moving on up!  I felt like noises at home were comfortable, minus having to blow dry my hair - I had to turn my devise off for this today. However, walking downtown in the city with cars flying by a mile a minute was LOUD! And I mean PAINFULLY LOUD! I was experiencing some sound distortion as I explained before - basically sounds like the noise your phone makes when someone talks too loudly on speaker phone. Walking into work, all I could think was "Uh Oh... I think I may have turned up my devise too soon. Woopsy!" I decided to troop through the rest of the day to see what it would be like. 

I had a one-on-one meeting in the morning and, for some reason, had SUCH a difficult time hearing and understanding. Even before my implant, I, for some odd reason, had a difficult time communicating with this colleague of mine. I wonder if people that used to be hard for me to understand will always be hard for me to understand? I sure hope not!


The rest of my afternoon consisted of reviewing and editing a report, so not much other interaction to report at work today. I did receive my first phone call at work since my activation and OH MY F-ING GOD. MY RINGER IS SO LOUD! I mean I jumped like 3 feet in the air and kicked the back of my desk (I even have a scrape on the top of my foot to prove it!). My poor co-workers and office neighbors! What a commotion!  The sound of my phone ringing has never bothered me before or startled me like this. I couldn’t believe my ears. The phone rang once and that was all I needed to hear, so without thinking I picked up the phone.  I must note that I very rarely answer the phone and this was my first time on the phone at work since my activation.  I said “Hello”.  Unintelligible noises blasted from the ear piece of the phone and I quickly removed the phone from my ear. I was scrambling to turn my phone amplifier down, which was cranked all the way up.  Still… the sound was so uncomfortable I couldn’t understand what was being said. It sounded like every single instrument was playing in the symphony of my colleagues voice. I again scrambled to turn the volume down on the actual receiver. Better, but still uncomfortable. I told my colleague I was having a phone issue and asked if we could chat in person instead.


When I returned to my office, I removed my phone amplifier and tested the sound again.  Ahh! Much better.  I felt two things at this moment:

• Excitement that I could say goodbye to Mr. Amplifier FOR GOOD!! 
• Amazement with how poor my hearing was before and how much amplification I needed to be able to have a conversation and hear someone. 

I also wondered what other people thought when they used my phone at work.  Were they blasted with this sound too? Or where they able to filter this out?

When I got home, Fras was playing with Rufus and his squeaky Kong toy. This NEVER bothered me before, but today it was unbearably loud.  With the accumulation of "loud" events today - hair dryer, downtown traffic, phone ringing at work, squeaky toy - I decided to email the Envoy Technician to get her take on the situation. She quickly replied and let me know that I can turn up the devise as I feel comfortable, but no sound should be painful, or at least constantly painful.  She said it was possible that these noises were "too loud" because I increased the volume before my brain was ready.  So, I turned it down again (to B2 – which I think is the same as A5).  I had also asked the Envoy Technician if hearing loud noises would damage my "natural" hearing and her response made me 100 times more confident in the Esteem Devise.  Direct quote from her email:


“Esteem has a safety feature such that no sound will be delivered to her ear that could cause damage. For example, if someone walks in the room and shoots a gun, the Esteem will only deliver the sound that wont damage her hearing.”  


Loud noises would damage the "normal" ear but not mine!

We greeted the trick or treaters as they arrived and had 6 or 7 groups tonight! Much better than the 1 we got two years ago (when we didn’t have candy) and the no shows last year (when I actually did have LOTS of candy).  I just soaked up every minute of it and let the kiddies take lots of candy.  This was my second interaction with children and ohh I forgot how much I LOVE THEM!  I am still not completely comfortable like I used to be in interacting and communicating with them, and I still cannot understand a lot of what they are saying but tonight made me so happy.

When I turned off the tv and got ready for bed, I realized that my TV makes this high pitch “uomp-woomp” sound when it is turned off. Oh the sounds just continues to shock and amaze me!

Exploring the Sounds of Nature

My parents left to head back to Saint Louis today and I miss them already! I am so happy that they were here for my activation and were able to share such a special and magical time with me, but it stinks that we had so much going on with the my activation and the filming that I was not able to spend much "quality" time with them. Shortly after their departure, the producer and film crew arrived with open arms and warm welcomes! Not that I work with a lot of producers and film crews, but I don’t think I have ever met nicer people! Everyone has been so supportive, encouraging, understanding, and friendly throughout this entire process. I am NOT a camera person and I DO NOT like to talk in front of groups of people, but they made this experience so relaxing and enjoyable. This experience has definitely changed my perception of Hollywood and the filming world!


When I woke up this morning, I increased the volume to A5. I did not notice any new noises in my house. During my interview, a plane flew by while I was talking and they had to stop me as this interferes with the quality of sound. I didn’t hear this even after they stopped me. Throughout the day, everyone kept asking me if I could hear different noises and in a lot of instances, I couldn’t… This was a little discouraging for me because I just want to hear "normally" again!! It is one thing to not hear something, but not know you are missing it, but it is another to have other people around you hear something and know that you are the only one in the room missing out on a sound. Although I am so grateful for this implant and understand this is just the beginning of a long journey, I couldn't help but feel a little discouraged by this. I also felt that I was having some trouble hearing everyone and I had to make sure that I was looking at the person while they were talking, as I am still depending a lot on reading lips. Fras is reading this over my shoulder as I write, and just told me that the film crew expressed to Fraser how well I am doing compared to before my activation. This just made my day. 


After our interviews we went to the park to experience the sounds of nature. The first place we stopped was by this little stream that runs through the park.  It wasn’t until I got close to the water that I was able to hear the trickle of the stream. To hear the water gracefully moving across my site. To hear the sound of a stream on a cool autumn day. I mean people talk about this all the time and noise makers are set to play this exact sound that I was experiencing at this very moment. A sound I had forgotten. A sound I am NOW able to hear. A sound I hope to never forget. It is truly a miracle. And it is truly as peaceful and serene as I remember. 

It is amazing how much sound is connected to our memories from the past. Once I heard this, memories from my childhood flooded my head. Exploring the creek in my backyard, investigating my creek as it flooded during the monsoons of spring and summer, my family fishing trips to Rock Bridge. Fras looked at me and smiled. He already knew and said, “Oh my gosh... You can hear that, cant you? Did you not hear that before?” I didn’t know what to say because I have been to this park SO many times and I couldn’t remember if I had heard this ever or not. All I know is that when I heard this today, my heart skipped a beat, and it was just different than when I came to the park in the past. 


Since I was not born deaf, I was fortunate to have a childhood full of sound which has allowed me to have the memory of different sounds. At that moment, I wondered to myself how many sounds I thought I was hearing before because I had the memory of it. When I lost my ability to hear certain noises, I wonder if I replaced this null and void gap with the memory of the noise so that it would never be lost. They say that someone who has lost their leg often have phantom leg. I think what I was experiencing was “phantom ear". I know this probably sounds ridiculous but it is crazy how powerful our minds are.


The other new sound I heard at the park was the crunching of leaves as we went for a stroll in the park. As I was walking through the leaves I dramatically kicked them up in the air and enjoyed the leaves surrender as I crumbled them to the ground. I LOVE FALL!!! I love cool, but not cold weather. I love the beautifully painted orange, red, and yellow leaves that so gracefully fall from the trees. And I now I have the chance to explore and relearn to love the SOUNDS of fall! The crunching of leaves brings me back to my childhood where my parents would spend all day raking the leaves and I would mischeviously jump into their hours of labor and roll around like a dog waiting to get his belly itched. Makes me feel like a kid again! 

One thing I had really wanted to hear, but was unable to hear very clearly, was the sound of the tree’s blowing in the wind. Despite Fraser's best effort of actually shaking the tree limb to make the noise for me, I was barely able to hear this. At my old house, we had two Aspen Tree’s and a friend of mine would always comment on how beautiful they sounded in the wind. I was never able to hear this so you can imagine my desire to hear the rustling of tress as they blow in the wind. I was not able to hear this today and before my implant I had to accept this as a way of life. Things are different for me now. Tomorrow is a new day. Next week is a new week. Next month is a new month. Next year is a new year.  All of my days are now full of hope and possibility.

A Good Fight

On Saturday, Fras and I got into a little bit of a tiff and so our morning was pretty much wasted being sad and upset. I am mad at fairy tails because marriage is a lot more difficult than anyone ever tells you. Shouldnt my mom have given me the heads up about the struggles you have to face? Shouldnt we be required to take a class on "the truth about marriage"? I love my husband more than anything and I do not know what I would do without him in my life but marriage is way different than I ever imagined. What we have been through in our first 4 months of marriage is crazy...

• Learning to be married
• Learning to communicate with a hearing disability
• Adopting and taking care of a rescue puppy
• Having less than a month to move and find a new house
• Preparing for a major surgery
• Recovering from a major surgery
• My hubby losing his job and being out of work for 2 months

Dealing with the normal stresses of a marriage are tough, but these extra struggles have led to such a build up of stress between us in the past 2-3 months. Excuse my pity party. I know things could be A LOT worse, and I am SOO grateful for all of the wonderful things in my life but life has just been pretty rough for us the last couple of months. During my surgery recovery I was completely deaf in my implanted ear and was only able to hear out of my hearing aided ear for two whole month. This has definitely affected our ability to communicate with each other. We are both so emotionally exhausted from dealing with these extra stresses of our lives and it takes A LOT some days to make that extra effort to really listen and really hear the other person. Sometimes it is easier to just not talk and zone out in front of the TV. Or just not talk about the raw emotions that we are truly feeling. Or just not talk about the little argument that we just had. Or not talk about the ways we really want this relationship to be. Communication is exhausting and takes extra energy for us. There are so many accommodations we BOTH have to make in order to make conversation work. Before my implant and especially during my surgery recovery, my husband would have to be within 5 feet of me and directly looking at me in order to have a real conversation. If he was in the basement and I was upstair, he wouldn't be able to just yell to ask me a question. I wouldnt even be able to hear him yelling! Also, all of the emotional struggles I have succumb dealing with my hearing loss has had an affect on the people in my life, especially my husband. When you love someone you truly feel everything little thing they are feeling and it takes a lot out of you. While living and breathing a life of hearing loss is difficult for the hearing impaired individual, it is also very difficult for the people closest to you. My husband knew me when my hearing was mild/moderate and knows the fun-loving, outgoing, "I dont care what anyone things of me" confident person I used to be. Watching me become so socially withdrawn hurts him just as much as it hurts me. The best thing about my relationship is our friendship and our love for each other. I know we will find a way to work through this just like everything else we have overcome in our 7 years together! As my mother always says... "Let go and let God."


Regardless of our not so positive morning, Fras and I went out to lunch with my parents and our friend Zach. I decided to take my parents to a little Italian Bistro near my work. SO Delish!! This was actually my very first experience in a resturant since my activation and I think I did pretty darn well. The resturant was not very busy and we did sit in a more private section but I felt that I was able to follow along with conversation much better than I ever did with my hearing aids. What I found to be most difficult was when Fraser, Dad, and Zach were having conversation while I was trying to talk and listen to my mom (across the table from me).  The boys sounded so loud and annoying! I sort of wanted them to shut up. ha ha!


During lunch, I asked them if other people talking bothered them. My dad said that my conversation with mom doesn’t bother him or interfere with his hearing because he just blocks out all other noise except for the conversation he is currently in. They all agreed and explained that my brain will need to learn how to shut out noise that I am not focused on. My poor brain is being overworked! 



I also asked them all what it sounded like when something was really loud and none of them could explain it. Well, that doesn’t help me too much in generalizing my hearing and determining what is "normal" and what I "should" be hearing. I asked them all to try to pay more attention to this because I really want to know if what I am hearing when it is loud is the same thing as they are hearing. Sometimes I wonder if the loudness I am hearing is because something is truly loud or if it is just some interference with my Esteem since I am not used to hearing a sound this loud.  


After lunch I took my parents to my office to show them around so they could see where I spend the majority of day! Nothing really new or exciting happened there, except for the fact that my dad had to walk into every single office (hello dad, invasion of privacy), my mom stole left over candy from our Halloween Party, and dad commented on how few males worked at my company (based on walking around and reading the names on the outside of each office door). ha ha. parents...


For dinner we went out to eat as well and that was MUCH MUCH more noisy than before. I definitely felt more comfortable being in a loud setting and felt that it was easier to follow conversation. I think I am generally more comfortable with my family in loud settings because they are more aware and accommodating to my hearing loss.


Fras and I are laying in bed as I am writing this and I feel like I am having difficulty understanding him so I decided that tomorrow I am going to turn up my Esteem again tomorrow.  A5 here I come!

First Day Back At Work

The day after my Envoy Esteem activation, I was still so emotionally and physically drained. Nothing can prepare you for the emotion you experience.  Hearing so many new sounds and also hearing so many old sounds that are clear as can be is unbelievably overwhelming. Most people with "normal" hearing are able to shut out all of these background noises but I am hearing all of these at once! I thought NOT being able to hear was exhausting but BEING ABLE TO hear so much is exhausting as well. My brain is still playing a bit of catch up in trying to process all of these new sounds and, well, its pretty tiring. The day after my activation I slept pretty much the entire day. Well let me rephrase that… I slept as much as I could considering all of the new sounds I was hearing. Even in a quiet house there are so many sounds that can distract you from sleeping. Unbelievable!


Right now the noises directly around me are what I am hearing most clearly through my Esteem. I am already getting sick of hearing my voice and hearing myself breath, swallow, and chew.  These noises are just there ALL the time! How did I never notice this before? 


The Envoy Technician told me that I should feel ready to turn up the volume every 3-5 days, but I felt ready today! I never realized how much of a difference 3 decibels of sound could make and was amazed by not only the clarity but also all of the different noises I was able to hear.


Brushing my teeth this morning was something that I really took notice of when I started my day. I found that this almost sounded like a train chugging along. Back and forth of the brush, "chuch-chuch" "chuch-chuch". My morning shower was, again, magical and I never wanted to get out. My hair dryer was unbearably loud to the point where I had to put my finger in my ear while I was blow drying my hair. The hardwood floors are even louder in the quietness of the morning. I found myself tiptoeing around the house to try to avoid making this noise. When I slammed the kitchen cabinet door while making breakfast, it startled me. Fraser always complains about how loud I am around the house, especially when I get ready for work in the morning, and I never really understood what he was talking about until today. 


I cannot start my work day without a cup of coffee and hearing the sound of coffee brewing for the first time since childhood brought back so many wonderful memories. I remember waking up to this sound as a child and sitting with my dad as he drank his morning coffee and read the newspaper. It has been so long since I have heard this and I will forever be able to cherish this sound and think of my father.


Heading out the door for work, I noticed that my front door makes a very high-pitched creaking noise when it opens and closes. Never knew that! Before my implant (with hearing aids), hearing a door open and close was a one-toned noise (or a muffled noise that I barely heard). Now I can actually hear the springs within the door. I never thought that a door would be so interesting! 


I left the radio on in my car before my activation and when I turned my car on this morning, noise blasted from the speakers! I never realized how loud I listened to the radio. Before my activation I was listening to the radio at about 20, which is NOT comfortable AT ALL anymore. I am much more comfortable at about 8 thank you very much. When listening to music, I did have a little distortion but was told that this is actually "normal" during the first 2 months after activation.  


The noises at work were much different than I remember. My hearing aids barely picked up the sound of typing but now this was as clear as can be! I also noticed that my computer mouse "clicks" when I tap it and it also squeaks as I move it. When the armrest of my chairs rubs against my desk, that makes a squeaky noise too! My office is right across from our production room and I could hear printing from the copy machine! I could also hear people talking! Although I could not understand what they were saying, I heard them! It is going to be a lot more difficult to concentrate at work with all of these new sounds!


Today at work was our annual Halloween party. All staff are encouraged to bring their children and each office is set up as a trick or treat station. I have participated in this for the last 4 years and each year it has become more and more difficult for me to interact with children. Last year, one of the kids was trying to tell me a knock knock joke. He said, "Knock Knock". "Who's there?" I replied and he said “Boo!”. I thought he said “two” so I reply "Two Who?". The kid looked at his mother and then back at me with a questioning eye. His mother, understanding my disability, kindly corrected me by finishing the joke. I was embarrassed and devastated. This was when I realized just how difficult it was for me to interact with kids. Therefore, this year, I decided to not take part in the trick-or-treating, but instead team up with my supervisor and second-handingly participate, which took the pressure off. I still had a difficult time understanding what they were saying and had to focus pretty intently to hear them. However, I was able to much more confidently interact and follow what they were saying than in the past year. I am looking forward to seeing what this interaction will be like in 2-6 months from now when my hearing is optimal and my brain has learned how to process this sound.



People are constantly asking me how different noises sound with my hearing aids compared to my Esteem. The only way I can explain it is hearing in black and white versus hearing in color. Although I am able to hear and get by with my hearing aids, the sound is often muffled and a bit one-dimensional. Hearing with my Esteem is like hearing in color. Everything just sounds so much cleaner, clearer, and crisper and sound is much more 2 or even 3 dimensional. It is just amazing how much more natural everything sounds with my Esteem compared to my hearing aids. One thing I really cannot wait to do is go to the beach and hear the sound of the waves crashing and the palm trees blowing in the wind. I could hear these noises with my hearing aid before but everything sounds so much better with my Esteem, so I cannot even imagine what the noises of the beach will sound like. 


Well, those are pretty much my thoughts and experiences for today and I look forward to all of the new noises I will hear tomorrow. Each day with the Esteem is a new day full of new noises and new adventures that I now have the confidence to take on. Although I am still having trouble with my word comprehension, each day is less of a struggle to hear people and each day I start to feel more and more confident in myself. I am already beginning to find the confident women I used to be and I look forward finding the social world that I once knew and loved. Hopefully, in the next few days, I will feel more confident to pick up the phone and call my family and friends. It is amazing how much support I have even though I have felt so out of touch with people in my life. I have gotten oodles of text messages, emails, facebooks messages, and phone calls from all the people I felt I had lost in my life. That feels pretty good.

First Day with my Envoy Esteem Implant Activated

Today, my Envoy Esteem implant was activated and it was probably the most emotional day of my entire life. I didn’t know it was possible to experience so many emotions in just one day. I want to capture all of my pure emotions so that I never forget how incredible today was. Wow. I do not even know where to start, so I will just start here.

I have a remote to turn my device on and off and it has to be placed directly over the device, which is right behind my ear (you can feel it if you touch it).  The Envoy Technician said that sometime it takes a couple of tries to get it to turn on, but I got it on my first try. When it was turned on, the first thing that I heard was my own voice and it was super loud. I never really knew what my voice sounded like until today. I sound a lot more nasally than I ever realized. I couldn’t believe how loud everything was. The sound I heard was a lot more natural than I expected it to be but still very different than what I am used to hearing through my hearing aid. Everything sounded so loud that it almost sounded a bit echoy, like I was in a tunnel or something where every single sound in the room was bouncing back and forth. I started to cry because I haven’t heard anything this loud and clear in a LONG time. I started to hyperventilate a little bit and could barely catch my breath! That’s when I heard myself breath for the first time. Wow. I didn’t realize how loud this sounds. Just the thought of how amazing this moment is made me laugh, which was REALLY overwhelmingly loud. This made me cringe a bit! Then I started to talk again and realized again how nasally I sounded. I decided I needed a tissue to blow my nose. Again… WOW that’s loud! Was all of this really happening to me? I couldn't believe it!

When I finally came back to reality, I realized I heard crying and sniffling but this time it wasn’t me… I looked over at Fras, Mom, and Dad and they were crying and sniffling.  I not only was hearing myself, I was hearing them too without even having to look at them! I got up and hugged and kissed Fraser. KISSING IS SO LOUD AND GROSS AND WEIRD. Still having a little bit of trouble with this... Once I sat back down, I took a sip of water and I heard the water swishing around in the bottle, I heard the bottle crinkle as I was holding it, I heard myself swallow. Gosh, I am a loud drinker. I wonder if all of these things I was hearing bother other people and are loud to them too. Fraser started asking me what I could hear, and I was able to answer him without even looking at him. This was all so overwhelming for me and my brain started to freak out.

So, the first part of my appointment was having the device turned on. After this, they have to run some test on the device to make sure that everything is working properly. While they were doing this and adjusting the settings, I started to hear a "wooshing" noise in the room. I started to panic because I thought this was feedback from the device. After testing this, we soon realized that what I was hearing was actually the heat blowing! I had actually heard this and noticed when it turned on! I can't remember the last time I took notice of this! As part of the testing and reprogramming, they have to turn off the device and then reprogram it to "minimal gain" because, well, everything is just so overwhelmingly loud at first. When they turned it to "minimal gain", things started to sound a bit hallow and distorted so they had to reprogram it a couple of times to make this go away. The best way I can explain my sound distortion is that whenever a sound is "too loud" for my device, it sounds like what you would hear if you were talking on speaker phone and it was too loud. So the Envoy Technician basically had to turn down the volume as well as eliminate certain tones and ranges of sound so that I am not getting this type of distortion. Once my brain adjusts to the device, I will be able to hear at these levels without this distortion.

During the reprogramming, I found that voices and noises were not as loud as they were at first and I was having a difficult time hearing conversations going on across the room. This made me very upset and I started crying again. I went into this process thinking that my life would change drastically after the device was activated, and while I am still hearing so many new sounds, why was I still having this much trouble understanding and comprehending what people were saying? During the activation appointment you go from hearing all of these new noises so loud and clear when they first turn it on, to being reprogramed to "minimal gain" where you are back to wishing your hearing were better. 

All of the cameras were on me and I was starting to feel overwhelmed. [On a side note, I should mention that the Oprah Network filmed my activation and did a segment on me for a show called "Found" premiering in February 2012. Essentially, it is about me "finding" my hearing again.] I wanted to ask questions and express my concerns to the Envoy Technician but since it was being filmed, the producer was also butting in and trying to get the "shot" that she needed (e.g., close up of me holding up the device to my ear). I took one look at Fraser and he already knew what I was thinking so he politely asked the producer and film crew to leave so that I could focus on talking to the Envoy Technician  oppose to helping the producer “get the shot” that she needed. I felt absolutely awful about this, but I just couldn't handle the pressure anymore!

Once everyone started to clear out of the room, I felt like I was a volcano about to erupt so I asked mom to go to the bathroom with me. Before I even made it to the bathroom, I began to cry hysterically. My mom just held me, comforted me, and wiped my tears until I calmed down. I went to the bathroom and heard myself pee. As gross as this is, the sound was just so loud and different than I remember that I actually flinched and stopped peeing for a second. When I flushed the toilet, it scared the heck out of me! No wonder I was scared of the toilet flushing at nighttime when I was a child! Hearing these new sounds so loud and clear in the bathroom lifted my spirits and gave the emotional energy to get through the rest of the appointment.

I was able to finish my appointment without the distraction of the producer and film crew. The Envoy Technician made some more program adjustments and everything started to sound a bit more natural but I was still having a difficult time understanding people at a distance from me. The Envoy Technician assured me that what I experienced today is completely normal (emotional breakdown and all!) and that it will take some time for my brain to adjust to the Esteem and learn how to hear again. This is a gradual process that takes time; it will take about 6 months and multiple re-adjustments until my hearing is optimal. 

Before I left, I learned how to use the remote control (see picture below). 

There are 3 different programs: a, b, and c. Each program has 5 volume settings. While there is some overlap across the programs, each volume setting is a 3 decibel increase. I was told that 3-5 decibels is the average sound the human brain can “take” in one day without producing feedback and completely overwhelming me. They started me at A3 and told me to adjust the device every 3-5 days, which I will do until I reach C5. During my re-adjustment appointment, they will re-program my device and remote for different settings (i.e., quiet settings, loud settings, etc.) based on my experience over the next two months. Part of the reason they start everyone at "minimal gain" is so our brain can learn to "hear" again. It is important for me to get used to hearing the sounds directly around me, such as my voice, chewing, swallowing, etc., before they open up new ranges and tones.  

After my appointment ended, I spoke with the producer to see if I could reschedule my post-interview with them once I was able to emotionally compose myself and get through the emotions of today. Everyone was (surprisingly) very understanding and so grateful that I shared this special moment with them. They told me that what I did today was very brave and will touch and change the lives of many people living with hearing loss. Thinking about this right now, I honestly cannot believe that I had the courage to share my story and let complete strangers film such an emotional and personal moment in my life. I have always been very secretive and private about my hearing loss (some people don't even know that I am hearing impaired!) and I will be sharing this with the whole freaking world!!

I left the appointment in a very overwhelmed and emotional state, especially since I felt so terrible about not finishing my day with the film crew. My appointment was held in a very large and confusing building in downtown Denver with multiple parking garages so it took us about an hour to find our parking place. Once we got to the car, I went to grab my phone and couldn't find it! After endless searching, we found it in a puddle of water under the car (go figure!). We started driving and my navigator was sending us to dead ends and AHHH I just wanted to get the heck home at this point!!  My appointment ended at 3:30 and we did not arrive home until almost 6:00 pm! DINNER TIME! Fras and I picked up some burger from one of my favorite places on the way home. While I was waiting in the car for Fras to run in and get the food, I called mom. It was weird, because when she started talking I actually had to turn down the volume so I could hear her. With my hearing aids, I would keep pressing the volume up button throughout the entire conversation even when it was on the highest volume! I was always trying to find a way to make it louder! I did still have some trouble understanding her but it was much better than I ever did with my normal ear or hearing aids.

I was so nervous before my activation appointment that I couldn't eat so when we finally got home I was starving! This is when I heard myself chew for the first time in as long as I can remember. As I was chewing, all I could think about was how weird and gross this noise was. I felt self-consious and kept looking around to Fraser and my parents to see if they could hear the smacking of my lips. When I took a bite of a crunchy french fry, all other noises around me became invisible and my ears flooded with crunching. Fraser was talking to me and I had NO idea what he was saying. He assured me that when he is eating something crunchy the same thing happens to him.

While hanging out after dinner, I heard stomping. It was Rufus coming up the stairs of the basement! When he approached the living room, I could hear the tags of his collar clinking together and his tail "tap, tap, tap" against the coffee table in excitement! Dad, of course, was making a cocktail and dumping the ice into his glass and I heard him loud and clear across the HOUSE!! Everywhere I walked in my house I heard the creaking of the hard wood floors. 

Before bed I decided to clean up and take a shower. I have severe to profound hearing loss, so without my hearing aids, cannot hear much of anything in the shower. With my esteem, I heard EVERYTHING... the "pitter-patter" of the water hitting the tub, the sound of water filling and emptying in my ear, the "whack" of soapy water hitting the shower door as I lather my body in soap. I cupped my hands together and heard the water splashing into my hands. I heard some squeaky noise as I rubbed the water on my face and lathered my hair with conditioner. Then all of a sudden I heard someone talking. I couldn't understand what was being said so I called out, "Fraser? Are you talking to me?" A few seconds later he popped his head in. "Could you hear me talking in the bedroom?” I replied, “Yes, were you talking to me?". He said, "No, I was talking to my mom on the phone. I can't believe you actually just heard that!". Please note that we had this conversation while I was rinsing my hair (not reading lips). I heard him and actually understood him. I also was able to hear Fraser whistling and running around the house with Rufus. I never EVER would have been able to hear ANY of this before my my implant! SO COOL! [Totally off topic, but I just sighed as I am writing this and I heard myself breath. What a wonderful sound.]. I spent a good hour in the shower just soaking up all of the new noises I was experiencing. I think water trickling is one of the most beautiful and peaceful noises in the entire world. I never wanted this moment to end.

What I am hearing at home tonight is completely different than what I heard at my activation appointment earlier today. Every second is different and a learning experience for my brain. My hearing aid and Esteem also sound different and are picking up on different types of noises. Right now my hearing aided ear (right) is picking up on more distant noises than my Esteem is set to hear. My Esteem ear is picking up on what is going on directly around me (my voice, my breathing, my swallowing, etc.).

I went into this experience expecting that my hearing would be back to "normal" today and I was, at first, very disappointed to realize that it is going to take time to be able to hear again. However, experiencing all of these new noises has been absolutely amazing and has already changed my outlook on life in so many ways! I have all the confidence in the world that this is my miracle and that this is the beginning of my new life.