Run Like Hell

With the weather being so beautiful in Denver lately, I have attempted to get my lazy butt back into shape. Before I received the Envoy Esteem implant I was running about 5-10 miles 5-6 days a week! I was actually hoping to run a marathon at the end of last summer but between having to move into a new home, my husband losing his job, and my Esteem surgery, it just didn’t seem possible.

My recovery from surgery was pretty tough (story for another time) and by the time I started to feel like myself again, it was too cold outside and was getting dark before I would get home from work. I had bought myself a treadmill about a year or two before and, unfortunately, we had lost a few pieces during our recent move.  Time went by, things got busy, and I slowly drifted out of my routine. Completely. I swear, there is just something about the winter, snow, and cold weather that makes me not want to do anything but curl up on the couch and watch movies or read a good book.  So it has been a loooooooooong, cold, lazy winter for me, to say the least.

I got the “okay” from our veterinarian that I could finally run with my puppy! So, I decided to treat myself to some new “kicks”, which are pretty darn cute, I must admit (see picture below). It is hard to tell from the picture but they are a bright, raspberry pink! Very “me”.  THANK YOU DSW! I also found some very cute Tory Burch look a likes (ballet flats AND black paten leather flip flops. VERY excited about them). Did I mention I love shoes? :)

People always think that I am crazy for having “run a marathon” as an item on my bucket list but it has always been a dream of mine. Actually, when I told this to one of my friends his response was “it is on my bucket list to NOT run a marathon”.

I have to admit, didn’t always like running. In middle school, our gym teachers would randomly have us run a timed mile once a month and I would try desperately to get out of it if I could (i.e., fake a cramp, twist my ankle, etc. You name it. I probably said it.). When I reached high school and started to play sports more competitively, I realized I would much rather run a timed mile (7-8 minutes) than an hour of intervals and sprints! It wasn’t until college, when I was able to run on my own time, that I realized how great it made me feel. It helped me release tension and clear my head, which was quite helpful when I spent the majority of my senior year in the library writing my thesis. Running just made everything feel better; it still does.

Anyways, as I set out for my very first run of the spring season, I turned on my Nike+ App on my iphone and hit the pavement. The first thing I noticed was how GREAT the music sounded! I honestly couldn’t believe my ears! When I tried to listen to music a few months ago on my iphone, it sounded like crap so I just gave up on using it but this time it was unreal! SO much of a difference compared to last time. Also, I didn’t even have to fool around with the settings on my Esteem to make it sound good, it just sounded magical on its own!

As the song switched, I found that it seemed a bit loud to me. When I went to turn it down, I noticed that the volume level was on 6 out of 16! When I would run before my implant, I wouldn’t be able to wear my hearing aids so I would have to blast the volume as loud as it would go, and even still, it would sound all muffled. I would have to specifically choose songs for my “running mix” that had a deep base backbeat because, well, that is all that I could hear. But today was great, much better than I ever could have hoped or imagined. I can’t wait until I have both of my ears done because I can only imagine it will be twice as awesome!

And you know what was even more amazing than this?!?!?! When Rufus (my pup) stopped to play with some other dogs, I was able to take my earphone out confidently and have a conversation with the other dog owners! When I would run before the implant, I would dread running into someone I knew in fear that I wouldn’t be able to hear them without my hearing aids in, which is actually part of the reason I bought myself a treadmill and avoided going to gyms or exercising with other people. It is truly is amazing being able to hear in any situation and feeling much more confident in these types of situations. I think this is honestly the most amazing thing about the Esteem implant!

So, I made it a whole 1.5 miles for my first run! Ha! I am definitely out of shape and have lots of work to do! I am not sure if I am just really out of shape or if I am just hearing much better, but I breath REALLY loudly when I run… I was able to hear this over the music even! That is something I need to work on so people don't think I am going into cardiac arrest when I run! 

So while today was a great day, there was one thing that did bother me… the wind. When the wind would pick up I would have a difficult time hearing the music which was a bit frustrating. When I asked my husband about this he said that he can hear it but it doesn’t interfere with music. But it did a lot for me today… I hope this is something that will get better with more time and some adjustment!

Be Grateful for All Sounds, Even the Annoying Ones

As I got into bed to start journaling, I was taken back by the sound of a neighbors car alarm. Wow! That is loud! It is 9:00 p.m. and so I am sure that all of the neighbors are super annoyed about this, but I am sitting here just taking in the sound, thinking how grateful I am that I can actually hear this. If I was sitting in bed without my hearing aids, there is no chance in hell that I would be able to hear this. Gosh, I don't think I would even be able to hear this with my hearing aids in! 

There are so many noises in the world that most people take for granted because they are too loud or annoying, like alarms, the sound of a computer mouse clicking, the sound of someone smacking their lips while they eat. But people should really be grateful that they have the ability to hear all of the amazing noises of the world. 

Through my journey I am coming to learn the power of gratitude. When you begin to look for all of the things you DO have in life, instead of all the things you DON'T have, you start to put your life in perspective. You start to think, "hey, my life is not that bad after all." From there you begin to appreciate all of the things you do have in life and you are finally able to see that everything you ever needed to be happy is right in front of you. Pretty powerful stuff, huh?

So, next time you want to get all worked up because the sound of something is annoying or too loud for your ears to handle, just take a moment to practice your gratitude for sound and the ability to hear. For someone who has been able to hear their entire life, this probably doesn't seem like something to be grateful for, right? But think about all the people out there who are not able to hear at all or who struggle to hear each and every day. Think about how difficult it is for people to communicate with their loved ones because they are not able to hear. Think about how hard people who have a hearing impairment have to work just to be able to follow in conversation. It's exhausting for us! 

Please, don't feel sorry for us. That's not what I am trying to get at here. All I am asking is for you to appreciate what you have. You are SO lucky that God has given you the ability to hear at a normal capacity so start to enjoy every little thing that comes along with it! Even those noises you find annoying...

Evaluation Appointment With An Auditory/Speech Therapist

While I am constantly amazed at all of the new noises I am now able to hear, I am still having a difficult time with my speech discrimination (or understanding).  I was told by the Envoy Technician that this is likely due to my dependency on reading lips. If I am not looking at the person who is talking, I am not able to understand what they are saying. While I hear them loud and clear, my brain cannot process what is being said. The best way I can explain what this is like is to picture yourself in a room where no one speaks your language. While you have the physical ability to hear, you have no idea what they are saying. You are looking around constantly to try to pick up on social cues that will help you follow what is being said. You may feel isolated. You may feel alone. You may even feel a bit paranoid like people are talking or laughing about you. Sometimes you laugh it off and pretend to go along with the conversation and other times you get so down on yourself that you escape the situation as soon as you can.

I do not want to be like this anymore. I want to be able to take advantage of my new ability to hear. I don't want to have to hear by looking. I want to hear by hearing as much as my physical ability will let me! 

So, I decided to contact an Auditory/Speech Therapist to help me with my ability to understand running conversation, regardless of my financial situation (credit cards were created for a reason, right?). My inability to hear conversation and to be social affects the quality of my life and so, I felt that it was necessary for me to take this next step. I have come to terms with the fact that I may never be able to have the hearing that I used to have, but I do not want to have any regrets in this process or look back and say "I wish I did this" or "I should have done that" to help myself. I have been thinking about this for a while and I would regret it if I did not give myself this opportunity.

I had my evaluation this week, which consisted mostly of talking about the history of my hearing loss, my progress with the Esteem hearing implant, and situations that are difficult for me to hear. I was also tested on my word and sound discrimination. Throughout the entire test, she sat behind me so that I would not be able to read her lips. For the first part of the test I had to repeat the word. Very basic and similar to the speech discrimination test that are given by my audiologist.

For the second part of the test, I had to repeat sentences. However, they were sentences that did not make sense (e.g., I put the basketball in the toaster). Since most hearing impaired individuals actually pick up on about 30% percent through reading lips and 30% through actually hearing, they must fill in the rest of the conversation with social cues and other people's facial expressions. If we miss even one word, or interpret one word incorrectly, then this has a HUGE effect on our understanding since topics switch very readily in running conversation. So, by having to repeat sentences that do not make sense, this really test how much I am able to hear and how much I am filling in the blanks.

The third part of the evaluation was repeating a sentence in which I had to fill in the last part. For example, she would say, “You cook a turkey in the...” and I would say "oven" if I had heard the sentence correctly. She made sure that there were minimal options for the blank word in the sentence. So again, this test how much of the sentence I am hearing.

Essentially, she found that I am having a difficult time with soft, short consonant sounds, such as the “s” and the “f” sounds. These are short and quick sounds that fall within the higher frequencies, which my brain is not use to hearing since I haven’t heard these sounds in the last 9 years!

She said that therapy and practicing sound discrimination exercises will improve my ability to hear and identify these sounds more readily. Even if she has to repeat a word 100 times, each time she makes that sound or says that word, it will build and strengthen the connection in my brain.

We agreed to meet for 30 minutes ever week for now until she develops a more finalized work plan for me. She said that she would be willing to provide me with practice exercises to do on my own, if I cannot afford to have her come every week. She also mentioned that it typically takes about 3-6 months of intense practice in order to see a difference. This means practicing EVERY SINGLE DAY.

I think God is truly testing my ability to be patient... I don’t know where I got the idea in my head that this would be an “easy” process. Life is all about learning and finding who we are. Where would inner and spiritual growth come from if everything was easy and perfect all the time! While the last decade has not been easy for me, I have grown a tremendous amount and learned so much about myself through this experience. I am actually looking forward to my journey of acceptance and finally finding peace within myself. I have been struggling through life for a while now and it feels good to let go of this a little bit each day.

Let go and Let God.

First Day Back At Work

The day after my Envoy Esteem activation, I was still so emotionally and physically drained. Nothing can prepare you for the emotion you experience.  Hearing so many new sounds and also hearing so many old sounds that are clear as can be is unbelievably overwhelming. Most people with "normal" hearing are able to shut out all of these background noises but I am hearing all of these at once! I thought NOT being able to hear was exhausting but BEING ABLE TO hear so much is exhausting as well. My brain is still playing a bit of catch up in trying to process all of these new sounds and, well, its pretty tiring. The day after my activation I slept pretty much the entire day. Well let me rephrase that… I slept as much as I could considering all of the new sounds I was hearing. Even in a quiet house there are so many sounds that can distract you from sleeping. Unbelievable!


Right now the noises directly around me are what I am hearing most clearly through my Esteem. I am already getting sick of hearing my voice and hearing myself breath, swallow, and chew.  These noises are just there ALL the time! How did I never notice this before? 


The Envoy Technician told me that I should feel ready to turn up the volume every 3-5 days, but I felt ready today! I never realized how much of a difference 3 decibels of sound could make and was amazed by not only the clarity but also all of the different noises I was able to hear.


Brushing my teeth this morning was something that I really took notice of when I started my day. I found that this almost sounded like a train chugging along. Back and forth of the brush, "chuch-chuch" "chuch-chuch". My morning shower was, again, magical and I never wanted to get out. My hair dryer was unbearably loud to the point where I had to put my finger in my ear while I was blow drying my hair. The hardwood floors are even louder in the quietness of the morning. I found myself tiptoeing around the house to try to avoid making this noise. When I slammed the kitchen cabinet door while making breakfast, it startled me. Fraser always complains about how loud I am around the house, especially when I get ready for work in the morning, and I never really understood what he was talking about until today. 


I cannot start my work day without a cup of coffee and hearing the sound of coffee brewing for the first time since childhood brought back so many wonderful memories. I remember waking up to this sound as a child and sitting with my dad as he drank his morning coffee and read the newspaper. It has been so long since I have heard this and I will forever be able to cherish this sound and think of my father.


Heading out the door for work, I noticed that my front door makes a very high-pitched creaking noise when it opens and closes. Never knew that! Before my implant (with hearing aids), hearing a door open and close was a one-toned noise (or a muffled noise that I barely heard). Now I can actually hear the springs within the door. I never thought that a door would be so interesting! 


I left the radio on in my car before my activation and when I turned my car on this morning, noise blasted from the speakers! I never realized how loud I listened to the radio. Before my activation I was listening to the radio at about 20, which is NOT comfortable AT ALL anymore. I am much more comfortable at about 8 thank you very much. When listening to music, I did have a little distortion but was told that this is actually "normal" during the first 2 months after activation.  


The noises at work were much different than I remember. My hearing aids barely picked up the sound of typing but now this was as clear as can be! I also noticed that my computer mouse "clicks" when I tap it and it also squeaks as I move it. When the armrest of my chairs rubs against my desk, that makes a squeaky noise too! My office is right across from our production room and I could hear printing from the copy machine! I could also hear people talking! Although I could not understand what they were saying, I heard them! It is going to be a lot more difficult to concentrate at work with all of these new sounds!


Today at work was our annual Halloween party. All staff are encouraged to bring their children and each office is set up as a trick or treat station. I have participated in this for the last 4 years and each year it has become more and more difficult for me to interact with children. Last year, one of the kids was trying to tell me a knock knock joke. He said, "Knock Knock". "Who's there?" I replied and he said “Boo!”. I thought he said “two” so I reply "Two Who?". The kid looked at his mother and then back at me with a questioning eye. His mother, understanding my disability, kindly corrected me by finishing the joke. I was embarrassed and devastated. This was when I realized just how difficult it was for me to interact with kids. Therefore, this year, I decided to not take part in the trick-or-treating, but instead team up with my supervisor and second-handingly participate, which took the pressure off. I still had a difficult time understanding what they were saying and had to focus pretty intently to hear them. However, I was able to much more confidently interact and follow what they were saying than in the past year. I am looking forward to seeing what this interaction will be like in 2-6 months from now when my hearing is optimal and my brain has learned how to process this sound.



People are constantly asking me how different noises sound with my hearing aids compared to my Esteem. The only way I can explain it is hearing in black and white versus hearing in color. Although I am able to hear and get by with my hearing aids, the sound is often muffled and a bit one-dimensional. Hearing with my Esteem is like hearing in color. Everything just sounds so much cleaner, clearer, and crisper and sound is much more 2 or even 3 dimensional. It is just amazing how much more natural everything sounds with my Esteem compared to my hearing aids. One thing I really cannot wait to do is go to the beach and hear the sound of the waves crashing and the palm trees blowing in the wind. I could hear these noises with my hearing aid before but everything sounds so much better with my Esteem, so I cannot even imagine what the noises of the beach will sound like. 


Well, those are pretty much my thoughts and experiences for today and I look forward to all of the new noises I will hear tomorrow. Each day with the Esteem is a new day full of new noises and new adventures that I now have the confidence to take on. Although I am still having trouble with my word comprehension, each day is less of a struggle to hear people and each day I start to feel more and more confident in myself. I am already beginning to find the confident women I used to be and I look forward finding the social world that I once knew and loved. Hopefully, in the next few days, I will feel more confident to pick up the phone and call my family and friends. It is amazing how much support I have even though I have felt so out of touch with people in my life. I have gotten oodles of text messages, emails, facebooks messages, and phone calls from all the people I felt I had lost in my life. That feels pretty good.