2nd Readjustment Scheduled!

I was supposed to go to Chicago to have my second Esteem readjustment and to meet with my surgeon, Dr. Marzo, to have him check up on everything to make sure I was healing properly. However, some unforeseen circumstances arose and I, unfortunately, had to cancel my trip at the last minute. Since things are still a bit crazy around here, I will probably not be able to get to Chicago until July. So, I decided to just have Michelle, my Esteem Engineer, come to Denver for a readjustment. Envoy is very booked right now so the soonest they were able to get out here is April 23rd (a month and a half after my originally scheduled appointment!).


While I am very very excited for my readjustment, I am also very nervous since I did not get very much gain from my last adjustment because of the fluids in my ear. I am hoping since I will have had 5 months to heal that I will be able to get the gain that I am look for. It is really strange because when you first get adjusted (or when you turn up the volume on the remote) everything seems so loud and great!  But as time goes on, you get used to hearing at this level; things just sort of level out a little bit. Right now, I have been at the top volume for the last 3 weeks so I REALLY need a little more UMPH! and I hope that I am able to get that from my appointment in April. I also really hope that my tone and test scores go up as well! Fingers crossed! X (that "X" is supposed to be me crossing my fingers.. just in case you were wondering).


I have to say that it is crazy how dependent I am becoming on my Esteem ear. When my implant was first activated, I relied much more on my hearing aid since that is what I was used to but now, I am very dependent on my Esteem. There have been times when I feel like I am completely deaf in my hearing aided ear (because the sound in my Esteem is so great!) and I often have to check to make sure that it is actually on and didn't run out of batteries or something. And yes, it is always on... Seeing how much more I am hearing out of my Esteem as time goes on make me want to have my other ear implanted SO badly. I hope like hell insurance companies start covering this device soon. As of now, my insurance company, Great West Cigna, still considers middle ear implants as "experimental".  They also consider the Esteem to be like a "hearing aid"... Man, these insurance companies need to get their facts straight because, in my opinion, FDA approval does not qualify as "experimental" and this device is NOTHING like a hearing aid! I mean, I wish that each and every one of them could actually experience having a severe loss of hearing because I do not think that any of them could last a day in our shoes. Hell, they probably couldn't even last an hour... I think if they knew what it felt like to struggle in every day conversation that they would be pushing much more for the coverage of hearing.


Well, enough of that... I am going to go enjoy this beautiful sunny Denver day and get my tan on! and maybe enjoying a few mimosas as well! Happy Saturday! :)

Caught Between Two Worlds

My journey of Learning to Hear has become a journey of more things than I ever could have imagined. This process had lead me to be more in touch with myself and my feelings, especially those that I kept buried deep within my soul, and as a result, I am finding out a lot about who I am and who I want to become. In some ways, I feel closer to finding peace but in others I feel completely lost.


I often find myself caught up in the struggle of where I belong; I feel like I am caught between two worlds:


1. The Hearing World
2. The Deaf Culture


Where is my place? I feel like I am neither nor. This internal war is a bit daunting.


While I grew up in a culture of hearing and verbal communication, my true hearing capacity is silence.


While the hearing world looks upon me as Deaf, the Deaf Culture sees me as an individual who can hear.


While I have heard and can hear, I cannot hear well enough to function within the hearing world. 


While my friends and family are all hearing individuals, I feel in isolation because I cannot communicate with them as I used to.


I know what it is like to hear, but I also know what it is like to be Deaf in a world of silence. What is interesting is that I can relate to both worlds, yet I cannot fully communicate in either. I understand what it is like to live in both worlds, but neither world understands me. Most individuals within the Deaf Culture do not know what it is like to have heard, but those in hearing world do not know what it is like to have NOT heard.


While my desire to be in the hearing world is much greater, as that is what is most familiar to me, I cannot deny my need to relate to others who actually "understand" me and accept me for everything I am and all of the raw emotions I feel.


So, is the world as black and white as it seems? or is there a place in between for me? for us?


Maybe we do not fit into either, but maybe that is okay. Maybe this is the way God intended it to be. Maybe we are the bridge to unite these two worlds together as one. Maybe it is our calling to help each world understand the other. Maybe this is what we were brought on earth to do: to help and unite. God chose us because we are unique and that special.


Well, this doesn't seem so bad after all...

A Survival Guide for New Deafies! (GREAT BOOK)

My husband got me a Kindle for Christmas and I found the most amazing book! It is called A Survival Guide for New Deafies! and is specifically written for people who suffer from late on-set hearing loss, LIKE ME!

It is a short book (only 39 pages) and took me about 30 minutes to read. It is one of those books that I will read over and over again whenever I am feeling down about myself or am unable to hear something; very inspiring. If you are suffering from hearing loss and are having a difficult time accepting it as your reality, then I definitely suggest you read this. It is also a great book for family and friends of Deafies to read so that they can understand the struggle we face and how to react to your situation.

Here are the "rules" that are outlined in this book:

• Always have a sense of humor about your hearing loss
• Never Apologize for being a Deafie! NEVER!
• Be honst about your new Deafie status to old and new friends, family, and associates 
• Learn all modes of communication
• Stay social!
• Understand your hearing loss
• Allow for only small moments of self pity!!
• Beware of non-believers

Just thought I would share this piece of inspiration to anyone out there struggling with hearing loss! :)