Hearing Aids In The Shower

The weirdest thing has been happening to me recently. I am still not 100% used to hearing different sounds so every time I get into the shower, I start to freak out when I hear all of the noises of the shower. I scramble to pull my hearing aid out and then realize that I do not have my hearing aid in. There is nothing to "take out" because I am hearing this out of my "real" ear. I am hearing with my Esteem! There used to be so many occasions when I would forget to take my hearing aids out when I got in the shower and would realize 30 seconds after that they were still in. I would frantically scream for Fraser to come get them and put them in my dry box. I am actually surprised my hearing aids are still working…I am so thankful that I no longer have to worry about this happening!

Helping my Marriage Blossom

Last week, Fraser and I decided that we wanted to start seeing a therapist to help give us the tools we need to overcome the many trials and tribulations that have presented themselves over the last couple of months. Some people think this is crazy since we have only been married for 6 months, but we have encountered more in the last couple of months than most people face in their first couple years of marriage. We love each other and want to be happy. We are not afraid to admit that we need a little extra push to help us get back on track. I am actually really proud that we have taken the step to do this because many couples wait until it is too late. Also, we now are gaining important skills and learning invaluable lessons that will help make our marriage work and last a lifetime.

While walking into our appointment, the sound of the cars flying by was piercing. I asked Fraser what he thought of this and this noise did not seem to bother him. However, this noise was so overwhelmingly loud for me that it overpowered Fraser's voice. I have also found that it is difficult for me to talk on the phone when I am near a busy street. I will have to tell the person on the phone to stop talking until all of the cars are out of site. I wonder if this will become more bearable with time. I wonder if this is something that I will need to learn how to "zone out".

Fraser and I could not be happier with our therapist. I have seen a couple of therapist in my lifetime and I have found that it is very difficult to find a therapist you can trust and connect with. It usually takes a couple of tries so we both feel so fortunate that we were able to find a good connection. 

Throughout the session, we both did A LOT of talking...Too much talking. She mentioned that we both have impeccable communication skills and that we have a gift that allows us to express what we are feeling. However, what we learned is that one of our biggest issues as a couple stem from our "listening skills" and "need to be heard".  While we are great communicators and able to express how WE feel, we are not listening to each other, and, because of this, we feel that we are not being heard by the other person. She gave us probably the most important pieces of advice we will ever learn about marriage and relationships. 


“Strive to listen before trying to being heard”  


"Where there is anger and hatred in a relationship, there exist fear, sadness, and loneliness"


We also were able to talk about some of the pent up resentment we have developed towards each other and I think it was just nice to finally digest all we have been through in the last couple of months. Overall, we are both very pleased with how everything went. While we still have many things to work out, we cannot believe how much we learned about our relationship in just one session. We are both so hopeful and cannot wait to live the happy lives we both want and deserve. One of the most wonderful things about marriage is that you have a partner for life. You never have to face anything alone because you always have that person by your side to get you through all of the tough times. However, one of the most difficult parts of marriage is learning to put the needs of your spouse before your own while also letting your emotions/needs be known. We have a long way to go in achieving a marriage like this, but we sure do feel confident in our ability to work through this!

Emergency Break

This morning, I was lucky enough to find a parking place about 2 blocks away from my office building. Score! It was on a little bit of a hill so I had to turn my emergency break on. When I got back into my car, I had totally forgotten that my emergency break was on and started to drive away. I cannot even express how many times this has happened to me before and I would normally drive for miles before I even recognized this, which probably explains why I recently had to replace my break pads. However, today I noticed right away because… 


dun dun dun DUN!


My car has a dinging notification to let me know of this! How convenient! If only I could have heard this before! I wouldn’t say that this noise was outwardly loud (like OMG how did I miss this), but I have had my car for four years and NEVER heard this before. AMAZING.

Slowly Entering My Social World Again

Last night I decided to make my first public appearance with my friends since my activation. It truly is amazing how much more relaxed and happy I am being in a social situation. Before my implant, I would get so anxious before doing ANYTHING that would potentially require me to have a conversation with someone. Even as small as, going to DSW to browse for shoes when I had no intent of buying anything (which would have forced me to make conversation with the cashier). I really truly isolated myself in the last year, not only from these everyday situations but also from friends and family. I felt so happy when I woke up this morning and didn't realize how much I missed spending time with and being surrounded by friends. I am so thankful for my friends and those who stuck by me through this rough patch in my life. I know it will take time to rebuild all of these lost relationships but I truly feel like I have all the confidence in the world to do this. As I bring myself back into the social world, I hope to to be able to form and build new relationships.

I Love the Different Sounds a Phone Makes

Last week, the sound I found most amazing was toilets. Yes, toilets. Each one makes a different noise when they are flushed! The sound of water swishing around in the toilet bowl is also different among toilets and depends on the amount of water pressure there is. This noise is also VERY loud and still takes me by surprise from time to time. I am again scared to flush the toilet if I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, as I was when I was a kid. I am sure people think this is crazy but seriously, really listen next time you go to the bathroom and you will see what I am talking about and how cool, but also scary, this really is.

This week, the different sounds a phone makes really amazes me. 

First of all, do you know how many different ring tones there are out there? Before my implant, I could barely hear the sound of a phone ringing. Even with my hearing aids in. Even when a phone was right in front of me or in my purse. Each phone I heard ringing sounded the same to me and I never really thought anything of this sound. Well, except for frustration that most ring tones are so high pitched that I am unable to hear them! Gosh. There have been countless occasions in which I would miss out on hearing the phone ring. At work, I have been in meetings where my colleagues phone would ring and I would be too busy talking or taking notes that I would not take notice of this sound at all. If I was talking, I would have to be interrupted so that they were able to answer the phone call. 

Same type of thing has happened when hanging out with friends. I would just be doing my own little thing and everyone around me would stop talking and stare at me like I was crazy or something. They would ask, “are you going to get that?”. I would not even know what they were talking about until I saw them looking at the phone and realized it was ringing. Sometimes Fras would have to intervene to save me from looking like a complete idiot and would just hand me the phone. These are moments I would replay in my mind and think to myself, “How embarrassing? How did I not hear that?”. 

Now, I can actually hear a phone ringing as well as tell the difference between other people's ring tones. It is quite amazing. I was actually in a conversation with someone at work today, when my phone rang. I was talking and actually heard the phone ringing. Tonight I will replay this moment in my mind and instead of feeling anxiety, sadness, and stress, I will go to bed thinking what a miracle this is and how fortunate I truly am to have this implant. 

Another cool thing about phones is how each number has a slightly different tone. I noticed this today when I was checking my messages at work. First of all, dialing a phone is SUCH a high pitched noise that it is no wonder I was not able to pick up on this before my implant. All of the numbers sounded the exact same to me! When I heard this, memories of my childhood started to fill my mind. When I was a kid, I loved music!

One of my favorite things to do was to make music by dialing the numbers on the phone. My speciality in "phone music" was Hot Crust Buns. How did I forget that this was possible? My forgetting this may have sometime to do with the time that I accidentally called 911...Not exactly the music I was trying to make. I think this was the last time I was allowed to make music on the phone. 

While I am enjoying the noises a phone makes, I cannot say that I am having the same feelings towards actually talking on the phone. It is much easier for me to hear on my cell phone compared to my work phone or land line phones in general. I felt the same about this when I just had my hearing aids. It is interesting because I hear much better with my Esteem when I talk on my cell phone. However, when I listen with my Esteem on my work phone, everything sounds a bit distorted and I often have to switch the phone to my hearing aided ear in order to follow along in conversation. 

I wonder why this may be? I am hoping that this will get better with time and practice, as I am learning how to hear in a new way. I am not sure why I went into this journey thinking that my hearing would change and be "normal" overnight. Think about it. It takes children a couple of years just to learn how to talk, listen, and communicate. Once these skills are developed, they spend, literally, the rest of their lives enhancing and building upon these skills. The process of hearing is continuous. As you get older, you grow and mature. Well, so does your ability to hear. 

As I am writing this I am beginning to realize what a long journey this will be for me. And I cannot wait for the ride!

One Week Activation Anniversary

HAPPY ONE WEEK ANNIVERSARY TO ME! My Envoy Esteem device has officially been activated for one whole week! I turned up the device to C3 today. WOW. One week and I am almost through the programming! Is this good or bad? I asked the Envoy Technician and she said that she was happy I was progressing so quickly, and said “NO!”, I am not progressing too quickly!


I also scheduled my readjustment appointment for December 19th. My two month marker would have been December 26th but they allowed me to schedule this a little bit earlier. What a WONDERFUL Christmas present this will be for me! I was told that this appointment is really focused around making it easier for me to understand sound (especially voices) and programming the device to be optimal in environments that are difficult for me. The technician even told me she will bring music so we can test the device to see how it sounds. Live music sounds great, but music on the radio sounds a bit distorted and if something is too loud, it comes off a bit squeaky almost. 


Oh man! I seriously cannot wait! And I am SO happy that I am able to be readjusted before the socialness of the holidays! I wonder if it will be easier than last year...


Last year we celebrated Christmas at my oldest sisters house and I remember it being very difficult for me to hear. My family is very close and we can always find fun in anything that we do as long as we are together!! Everyone gets really into games and so we decided to play the game Catch Phrase. I LOVE, well used to love, this game. For those who have not played this game before, you have this circular game piece:

You pick a category and a word will pop up on the screen. You have a certain amount of time to make your team guess what the word is on the screen. So if my word was "Sweater", I may say something like, "This is a piece of clothing you put on when you are cold." Obviously, the words are a little more challenging than this but you get the picture.


Anyways, while you are trying to get your team members to guess the word, the game beeps slowly and then very rapidly when you are about to run out of time. When it was my turn, I would ramble on and on, even when the buzzing had stopped, because, well, I couldn't hear it. People with hearing loss, in a way, have selective hearing. This may not be the best way to describe it, but it is the only thing I can think of at the moment. If we are not focused on the noise, chances are we don't hear it. Our attention has to be focused on the source of the sound we want to hear at all times. I have also been diagnosed with ADHD, which, I think, factors in to my hearing comprehension sometimes so you can probably imagine how difficult it is for me to focus my attention and how much energy it does take me to be in a conversation. 


When we were playing this game, I was so focused on the game that I would go off on these little tangents oblivious to the fact the buzzer had stopped. Everyone would stop guessing and be like “Als, your out of time”. My family is very athletic and so we all grew up playing competitive sports. Growing up in this environment give you a little bit of a competitive edge. Obviously, no one likes losing, but in my family, we REALLY do not like losing. Me especially. I'm stubborn. My husband once beat me in the 007 James Bond game on Nintendo 64 and I was so mad that I literally did not talk to him the whole day. I couldn't even look at him. He thought it was hilarious. Every time he would see me, he would just look at me and smile, which, obviously, just pissed me off more. We now look back and laugh about this moment but we learned one very important lesson about our relationship that day: We must always play for the same team, no matter what the game. Even the game of life.


Anyways, I was in such a competitive state of mind that I didn't have my attention on the buzzer, but instead on winning the game. So, I just kept missing it going off. Actually, I do not think I was even able to hear it buzzing at all over the sound of my own voice and other voices trying to guess the word. One of the (many) limitations of hearing aids is that they just amplify sound and make it very difficult to distinguish and filter noises. Either all of the sounds come together as one muffled noise, or the loudest sound in the room (my voice in this situation) overbears all other sound. This is part of the reason noisy situations are so difficult for hearing impaired individuals; background noise is so loud that we cannot hear the people we are trying to have a conversation with. 


I am very comfortable with my family but it is still so embarrassing when this type of things happens to me. It just hurts my heart. Fraser and I did not spend Christmas together last year and I know if he was there he would have seen the look on my face and it would have broken his heart too. I remember thinking to myself that night, "Gosh. Why can't I just be normal and have fun and be able to hear like everyone else?". At this point in my life, I honestly cannot imagine a social life that is easy because it has been so difficult to communicate in these situations for so long. 

I am not exactly sure why I started to reflect on some of these more negative moments in my life because as I am writing this I am almost in tears. I don’t want to be sad about the things I do not have. I want to be happy for every wonderful thing in my life right now. I DO have SO much to thankful for! Yes, a week into this journey, social situations are still pretty difficult for me. However, being able to hear so many sounds again has given me an incredible amount of hope and truly makes me the happiest girl in the whole world. Every day is like Christmas and every night is like Christmas Eve because each day I experience the miracle of sound and each night I get to look forward to the new noises tomorrow will bring. I think that hearing and experiencing new sounds reminds me of what I was not able to hear before my implant and it makes me empathize with others who are struggling to get by with hearing loss. It really is a struggle just to get up in the morning and face a day of ambiguity and stress of not being able to hear.

I just want to end by saying how thankful I am for my kind, loving, and supportive family who I will be able to spend Christmas with knowing that I will be able to hear better than last year. 

Hearing Loss and Negative Thinking

Each day I experience new sounds it becomes more difficult to focus at work.  I used to be a very social creature who loved to hang out with friends and talk on the phone. As my hearing has rapidly decreased over the last 9 years, I found myself withdrawing from social situations because it became too hard for me to keep up in conversation. For most people, being around others is a positive and uplifting feeling. For me, it is work. I have to focus 100% of my energy just to be able to hear and follow along in conversation. For example, going over to a friends house to relax and watch TV is exhausting for me. I can either have a conversation with you, watch TV, or lay down and relax. I CANNOT do all of three of these things at once! I physically cannot do it! Even if I try 110% to hear someone, I, more often than not, leave the conversation with anxiety and feeling like an idiot. I often find myself replaying conversations in my head wondering if I heard and interpreted the other person correctly. I think to myself how awkward and dumb I am for not being able to hear other people. This vicious little cycle started and soon developed into social anxiety and later, social withdrawal. I slowly lost touch with friends and family. The worst thing about it is that I never really fully explained to them what was going on in my head and why I just faded from their lives. What would you think if someone did this to you with out explanation or warning?


My rapidly decreasing hearing loss and social withdrawal was very difficult for me to deal with so I knew I had to find a way to feel positive about myself in some way, shape, or form. This is when I started to indulge myself into work because, well, it was the one place that I actually felt “good” about myself. I worked hard and people praised me for it. I was recognized for my strengths, not my faults. I felt needed and part of something. It felt good. However, in the last 4 years I have become a bit of a workaholic. My life revolves around my career. My work has taken over my life. Since I wasn’t able to hear and be happily social with others, I felt that I did not have much to offer to other people except for my hard work and time.

I can think of thousands of occurrences over the last decade in which I would feel bad about myself for not being able to hear in a certain situation. Can you imagine wasting your day wondering if you will hear something or not? Worrying that you may not be able to hear or understand someone in conversation and meetings? Contemplating if you should go the grocery store in fear that you will not be able to hear the cashier when you checkout?  Spending your nights in bed unable to sleep because you are worried about what embarrassing social interaction will happen tomorrow? 


I mean WHAT A FREAKING WASTE OF A DAY!!! WHAT A WASTE OF TIME!!! 


I am not going to lie, I sometimes find myself thinking about these things, but these thoughts no longer corrupt my mind as they used to. It is amazing how much optimism this surgery has given me to know that I am better than this. I know that I CAN have the life that I want and thought was not obtainable anymore. I have the power to change my life and it all starts with a positive thought and the want to get it. It is no wonder they call this implant “Esteem” because it really has helped build my self-esteem and I am so thankful that I was able to receive this surgery and now have the confidence to move past this way of thinking and begin to live my life, happily, less stressed, and less exhausted from the negative thoughts that surrounded my life before. So, a special "thanks" to Envoy for inventing the Esteem and helping me find the person I want to be and the person I always knew I was. THANK YOU!

Exploring the Sounds of Nature

My parents left to head back to Saint Louis today and I miss them already! I am so happy that they were here for my activation and were able to share such a special and magical time with me, but it stinks that we had so much going on with the my activation and the filming that I was not able to spend much "quality" time with them. Shortly after their departure, the producer and film crew arrived with open arms and warm welcomes! Not that I work with a lot of producers and film crews, but I don’t think I have ever met nicer people! Everyone has been so supportive, encouraging, understanding, and friendly throughout this entire process. I am NOT a camera person and I DO NOT like to talk in front of groups of people, but they made this experience so relaxing and enjoyable. This experience has definitely changed my perception of Hollywood and the filming world!


When I woke up this morning, I increased the volume to A5. I did not notice any new noises in my house. During my interview, a plane flew by while I was talking and they had to stop me as this interferes with the quality of sound. I didn’t hear this even after they stopped me. Throughout the day, everyone kept asking me if I could hear different noises and in a lot of instances, I couldn’t… This was a little discouraging for me because I just want to hear "normally" again!! It is one thing to not hear something, but not know you are missing it, but it is another to have other people around you hear something and know that you are the only one in the room missing out on a sound. Although I am so grateful for this implant and understand this is just the beginning of a long journey, I couldn't help but feel a little discouraged by this. I also felt that I was having some trouble hearing everyone and I had to make sure that I was looking at the person while they were talking, as I am still depending a lot on reading lips. Fras is reading this over my shoulder as I write, and just told me that the film crew expressed to Fraser how well I am doing compared to before my activation. This just made my day. 


After our interviews we went to the park to experience the sounds of nature. The first place we stopped was by this little stream that runs through the park.  It wasn’t until I got close to the water that I was able to hear the trickle of the stream. To hear the water gracefully moving across my site. To hear the sound of a stream on a cool autumn day. I mean people talk about this all the time and noise makers are set to play this exact sound that I was experiencing at this very moment. A sound I had forgotten. A sound I am NOW able to hear. A sound I hope to never forget. It is truly a miracle. And it is truly as peaceful and serene as I remember. 

It is amazing how much sound is connected to our memories from the past. Once I heard this, memories from my childhood flooded my head. Exploring the creek in my backyard, investigating my creek as it flooded during the monsoons of spring and summer, my family fishing trips to Rock Bridge. Fras looked at me and smiled. He already knew and said, “Oh my gosh... You can hear that, cant you? Did you not hear that before?” I didn’t know what to say because I have been to this park SO many times and I couldn’t remember if I had heard this ever or not. All I know is that when I heard this today, my heart skipped a beat, and it was just different than when I came to the park in the past. 


Since I was not born deaf, I was fortunate to have a childhood full of sound which has allowed me to have the memory of different sounds. At that moment, I wondered to myself how many sounds I thought I was hearing before because I had the memory of it. When I lost my ability to hear certain noises, I wonder if I replaced this null and void gap with the memory of the noise so that it would never be lost. They say that someone who has lost their leg often have phantom leg. I think what I was experiencing was “phantom ear". I know this probably sounds ridiculous but it is crazy how powerful our minds are.


The other new sound I heard at the park was the crunching of leaves as we went for a stroll in the park. As I was walking through the leaves I dramatically kicked them up in the air and enjoyed the leaves surrender as I crumbled them to the ground. I LOVE FALL!!! I love cool, but not cold weather. I love the beautifully painted orange, red, and yellow leaves that so gracefully fall from the trees. And I now I have the chance to explore and relearn to love the SOUNDS of fall! The crunching of leaves brings me back to my childhood where my parents would spend all day raking the leaves and I would mischeviously jump into their hours of labor and roll around like a dog waiting to get his belly itched. Makes me feel like a kid again! 

One thing I had really wanted to hear, but was unable to hear very clearly, was the sound of the tree’s blowing in the wind. Despite Fraser's best effort of actually shaking the tree limb to make the noise for me, I was barely able to hear this. At my old house, we had two Aspen Tree’s and a friend of mine would always comment on how beautiful they sounded in the wind. I was never able to hear this so you can imagine my desire to hear the rustling of tress as they blow in the wind. I was not able to hear this today and before my implant I had to accept this as a way of life. Things are different for me now. Tomorrow is a new day. Next week is a new week. Next month is a new month. Next year is a new year.  All of my days are now full of hope and possibility.