The Importance of Aural (Auditory) Rehabilitation

While searching online, I found a really interesting article about the importance of aural (auditory) rehabilitation for adults with Cochlear Implants. I think that the topics and ideas presented in this article can be important for rehabilitation after any implant. The article is titled Making a Sound Connection: Rehabilitation for Adults with Cochlear Implants, was written by Mary Koch, MA, CED, and can be found on pg 6 of the following link: http://hearingjourney.com/userfiles/File/BionicBeat_Vol3Iss1_2006_1.pdf

What I found particularly interesting about this article is that we do not actually hear with our ears, we hear with our brains. [info from the rest of this paragraph did not come from this article. this was written by me based off my understanding of how we hear and how hearing loss affects the ear. i hope that it is portrayed accurately (in easy to understand laymen terms) but please refer to the professionals for more detailed information about these topics.] This actually makes sense when you think about how we hear. Sound enters our ears and the frequencies of sound are transformed into electrical signals as they pass through the middle ear to the Cochlea. The Cochlea stimulates thousands of tiny hair-like cells which send electrical signals to the brain to be interpreted. This is where our ability to understand what is being spoken comes into play. For most individuals with sensorineural hearing loss (like myself), the hair-like cells and/or parts of the Cochlea have been damaged which then affects how sound signals are converted into electrical signals and sent to brain. What is great about the Envoy Esteem Implant is that it, in theory, bypasses the damaged parts (i.e., Cochlea and hair like cells) and instead transforms and processes electrical signals through the Esteem processor. Each individuals processor is programed to meet the specific needs of each recipient based on their level of hearing loss. These "altered" and "improved" electrical signals are then send back through the system and to the brain for interpretation. 

As stated in this article, one of the biggest misconceptions of receiving a hearing implants is that the understanding piece of the puzzle will come immediately as we gain more sound and volume. However, while we can hear sound better because of the implant, our brain does not always immediately make sense of these signals right away. Additionally, this article also mentioned that the longer a person is hard or hearing, the more challenging it can be for them to be able to recall and form meaning of sound. In order to bring this understanding piece into play, we must form new auditory pathways as well as the memory skill to be able to retain the sounds. The purpose of Aural (auditory) therapy is to imprint this information in our brain so that these connections can be built more rapidly leading to greater success with the device.

The article also presents Norman Erber’s Heirarchy of Auditory Skill Development, which is essentially the process in which our brain learns to understand.

• The first step in the process is Detection. This is the stage in which we become aware of our capacity to hear, as detected through an audiogram.
• The second step is Discrimination. This is our ability to differentiate between the sounds that we are hearing. This is actually what I am currently practicing through my therapy. 
• The third step is Identification. By going through the sound discrimination exercises, we are essentially imprinting our auditory memory with these sounds so that we are able to recognize and start putting meaning to these sounds.
• The fourth and final step is Comprehension. This is our ability to hear by simply listening and at this level we are finally able to fully engage in conversation. 

These are just a few of the interesting things I found throughout this article. This article also provides some resources for getting yourself started on the aural rehabilitation track (and how those around you can help). Also, I have been exploring websites that provide free online practice tools so will be posting those soon for those who are interested. 

Life Since Adjustment

Since my adjustment in December, things got off to a slow start due to being sick and the fluids in my ear, but for the last couple of weeks, things have been getting progressively better! I thought I would take a moment to reflect on how things have generally been going since my readjustment.


Until about 3 weeks ago, I was not able to turn my volume past 7. Every time I tried, I would get high pitched feedback. However, in the last 3 weeks I have been able to make it all the way up to volume 10 and I have to say I am LOVING the volume gain (I want even more!) and cannot express what a difference it makes! After going a month without being able to change the settings, I never thought that I would actually make it to this level! This is very exciting not only because of the volume gain I am getting but also because it means that I am healing and the fluids are starting to drain!


I found that I spend most of my time on the "A" profile, which is considered my "Everyday" setting. I have tried the other settings but this is the most comfortable for me in almost all situations. I am not really crazy about my "C" profile ("Music/TV Watching" setting). I feel like the sound of swallowing is so distracting it is difficult to focus on anything else. When I am on this profile I feel like my ears are going to explode. I have this weird ear popping sensation. It is almost like there is too much base which is making my ear feel lots of pressure. I have not been out too much in the last month, but my "B" profile (i.e., background noise setting) has been pretty great! I found that it works better at bars/clubs where the the loud noise is more constant than when out to dinner at a restaurant. I have actually preferred to stay on the A setting when I am out to eat.


I found that I am finally starting to gain some of the distant noises I have been wanting. I actually attended a lecture for work which took place in a large classroom. I was seated towards the back right and heard every word except when I was thinking about how surprised I was to actually be hearing!  So, I guess I missed a few parts but more of an attention issue than a hearing issue. However, this is still not "perfect". At the end of the lecture, there was Q and A. I did have trouble understanding other peoples' questions. It is weird that some voices can sound so loud, while others are too quiet. I wonder if something like this can be addressed in my next adjustment or if this is just the nature of speech?

Since my readjustment, I feel that I take much more notice to the sound of walking. Shoes hitting the floor. Legs rubbing together. I feel like I make such a commotion when I am walking around my office that it makes me want to tiptoe sometimes. Since our production room is right by my office, I have found myself very distracted by the sound of the printer. I often get so distracted that I have to close my door. Also, I noticed that the heat vents in my office make a squeaky noise when they are on and running. Not to say that I am not grateful but it is crazy how I never noticed this before because it can be quite annoying...

I feel like the dishwasher in our home gets increasingly loud every time I turn up my Esteem device. Being on volume 10, I found the dishwasher so loud that one time, I started yelling at my husband to stop using his electric saw in the basement. I was so confused! The sound was so loud that I thought it sounded like someone using heavy machinery. haha. 

I haven't been able to wear sun glasses for almost 6 months since the side of my head is still a bit tender when I put pressure against it. When I tried them out this week, I realized that it doesn't hurt anymore!

Well, that is all I can think of at the moment! 

YOU Have the Power to Control the Speed of Conversation

My auditory therapy for today consisted of two different exercises. For the first exercise, my therapist would say a word sound, such as “S” or “F” or “Ch” and I would have to say a word that started with that sound. So, if my therapist said “Sh”, I would say “Ship” or “Sheet”. For the second exercise, my therapist would read a sentence and I would have to tell her which word seemed off. The word that was off was very similar to what the correct word should have been. For example, “If you are cold, put on a coke.” This is my 3rd therapy session and I am still finding some of these exercises to be quite difficult for me. The second exercise was a little easier than the first since I had some contextual information to help me identify what the correct word. However, I am still having a difficult time differentiating between "g" and "d" sounds as well as between the "s", "f", and "th" sounds. It has only been 3 weeks since I started, so I do have a ways to go! Hopefully with more time and practice this will all become easier...

While chatting with my therapist after our session, she told me something very interesting.  She said that we actually have the ability to control the speed of our conversation. Have you every been around someone who is really laid back and talks really slowly? You can't help but notice that you start to become more relaxed yourself and you will find yourself talking at a slower pace. The opposite is true as well. If you talk quickly, that will boost the adrenalin of those around you leading them to also talk at fast pace. Obviously, someone talking fast is much more difficult to understand than someone who talks slowly. So, she told me that since I tend to talk fast, I should try to make a conscious effort to talk slower. While it does take time, practice, and a conscious effort, this tactic can actually help you better understand in conversations. Amazing! 

Be Grateful for All Sounds, Even the Annoying Ones

As I got into bed to start journaling, I was taken back by the sound of a neighbors car alarm. Wow! That is loud! It is 9:00 p.m. and so I am sure that all of the neighbors are super annoyed about this, but I am sitting here just taking in the sound, thinking how grateful I am that I can actually hear this. If I was sitting in bed without my hearing aids, there is no chance in hell that I would be able to hear this. Gosh, I don't think I would even be able to hear this with my hearing aids in! 

There are so many noises in the world that most people take for granted because they are too loud or annoying, like alarms, the sound of a computer mouse clicking, the sound of someone smacking their lips while they eat. But people should really be grateful that they have the ability to hear all of the amazing noises of the world. 

Through my journey I am coming to learn the power of gratitude. When you begin to look for all of the things you DO have in life, instead of all the things you DON'T have, you start to put your life in perspective. You start to think, "hey, my life is not that bad after all." From there you begin to appreciate all of the things you do have in life and you are finally able to see that everything you ever needed to be happy is right in front of you. Pretty powerful stuff, huh?

So, next time you want to get all worked up because the sound of something is annoying or too loud for your ears to handle, just take a moment to practice your gratitude for sound and the ability to hear. For someone who has been able to hear their entire life, this probably doesn't seem like something to be grateful for, right? But think about all the people out there who are not able to hear at all or who struggle to hear each and every day. Think about how difficult it is for people to communicate with their loved ones because they are not able to hear. Think about how hard people who have a hearing impairment have to work just to be able to follow in conversation. It's exhausting for us! 

Please, don't feel sorry for us. That's not what I am trying to get at here. All I am asking is for you to appreciate what you have. You are SO lucky that God has given you the ability to hear at a normal capacity so start to enjoy every little thing that comes along with it! Even those noises you find annoying...

Caught Between Two Worlds

My journey of Learning to Hear has become a journey of more things than I ever could have imagined. This process had lead me to be more in touch with myself and my feelings, especially those that I kept buried deep within my soul, and as a result, I am finding out a lot about who I am and who I want to become. In some ways, I feel closer to finding peace but in others I feel completely lost.


I often find myself caught up in the struggle of where I belong; I feel like I am caught between two worlds:


1. The Hearing World
2. The Deaf Culture


Where is my place? I feel like I am neither nor. This internal war is a bit daunting.


While I grew up in a culture of hearing and verbal communication, my true hearing capacity is silence.


While the hearing world looks upon me as Deaf, the Deaf Culture sees me as an individual who can hear.


While I have heard and can hear, I cannot hear well enough to function within the hearing world. 


While my friends and family are all hearing individuals, I feel in isolation because I cannot communicate with them as I used to.


I know what it is like to hear, but I also know what it is like to be Deaf in a world of silence. What is interesting is that I can relate to both worlds, yet I cannot fully communicate in either. I understand what it is like to live in both worlds, but neither world understands me. Most individuals within the Deaf Culture do not know what it is like to have heard, but those in hearing world do not know what it is like to have NOT heard.


While my desire to be in the hearing world is much greater, as that is what is most familiar to me, I cannot deny my need to relate to others who actually "understand" me and accept me for everything I am and all of the raw emotions I feel.


So, is the world as black and white as it seems? or is there a place in between for me? for us?


Maybe we do not fit into either, but maybe that is okay. Maybe this is the way God intended it to be. Maybe we are the bridge to unite these two worlds together as one. Maybe it is our calling to help each world understand the other. Maybe this is what we were brought on earth to do: to help and unite. God chose us because we are unique and that special.


Well, this doesn't seem so bad after all...

Auditory Therapy Puts Me Another Step Closer

For my first official therapy session, we did two different exercises. The first exercise was to practice hearing the beginning sound of words. For this exercise, she went through a list of 120 word pairs and I had to tell her if the beginning sound of the two words were the same. Here are a few examples:

Drive-Live

News-Views

Same-Fame

Top-Hop

Skip-Ship

While doing this, she was facing me, but had the piece of paper covering her mouth. I also made sure to look down so that I could practice not being so dependent on looking at people to hear them. If I got the answer incorrect, she pulled the paper down and repeated again allowing me to read her lips to identify the sound.

While this seems like such a simple task, it was not so simple for me. I didn’t do horribly. I was able to identify beginning sounds for 103 out of the 120 word pairs (85.8%). However, I did guess on some of them... If she had asked me to repeat the two words, I probably would have done much much worse. I told her about this and she said that it is okay and that right now she just wants me to listen to the word sounds instead of trying to identifying the word. This will come later!

Since I am having trouble hearing short quick constanant sounds all of the word pairs I listed above were ones I got incorrect. To me, the word “same” and “fame” sound the same because all my brain knows how to hear is the “_ame” of the word.

The next exercise we did was similar. However, instead of identifying if the beginning of the word was the same, I had to identify if the end of the word was the same (i.e., if the words rhymed). Here are a few examples:

Call-Pull

Bend-Wind

Bind-Blond

Boat-Tote

I am happy to say I did much better on this one! I was able to correctly identify if a sound rhymed for 111 of the 120 words (92.5%). The word pairs that I listed above are a few that I was not able to identify on my first try. My therapist reviewed these with me and showed me how the quicker vowel sounds may also be difficult for me to differentiate between such as the “eh” sound in bend and “ih” sound in wind.

Before she left, she gave me an interactive computer program that she often uses for her dyslexic patients since it is all about sound discrimination: what each letter sounds like, the difference between each sound, how to sound out different words. Remember "Hooked on Phonics". Well, it is sort of like that. She gave me the first level of this program to do as practice on my own and said that she would give me the next program once I got through this whole program. She also provided me with some "homework" for me to practice with Fraser. I am actually excited to practice all of this!

This whole experience of seeing a therapist has been really eye opening for me. I think it is helpful for me to understand and see why I am missing the parts of conversation that I do and why I think people say something completely different than they do. I think that this realization and understanding has been and will continue to be a large part in my path to acceptance. When we are in denial about our hearing loss, we do not really understand what is happening to us. Why is it becoming difficult to have a conversation with someone in a restaurant? Why am I not able to hear people when they talk to me from the next room? Why is it less enjoyable for me to be around my friends and family? Why am I getting angry and frustrated with people for not talking loud enough? Why am I so tired all the time? These are just few of the many questions we are pondering in our minds. It is very liberating to have less questions and more answers!

Whether the problem for me is more physical (i.e., my actual hearing) or mental (i.e., my brains ability to identify these sounds), I am not sure at this point in the process. Thinking about this, since I was in such denial about my hearing loss I waited until I absolutely HAD to get hearing aids. Even then, I only wore them to class and work until about 3 years ago. I think that prolonging the inevitable act of getting hearing aids is why these sounds are not familiar to me. If I would have gotten hearing aids when my hearing loss was only mild, I may have been able to still hear the “f” and “t” and “s” sounds with hearing aids, and therefore, my brain would not have lost the ability to identify these sounds or my brain would not have been in the dark about these sounds for 10 whole decade; the gap would have at least been smaller.

I know I cannot drive myself crazy with these "what if's". This is all in the past, and there is nothing that can be done now except to move forward with the knowledge I now have. However, I am saying this and sharing this to motivate others to get hearing aids before it is too late to truly reap all of the benefits they have to offer. Technology today is AMAZING and sadly, most people do not take full advantage of this due to the stigma society puts on wearing hearing aids. If you have the choice... Don't do what I did! Don’t wait! Strive to understand! Get your hearing checked out! Get hearing aids if your audiologist says you need them! Life is too short to waste it in the haze of denial. Acknowledge, accept, and move forward. How do you expect to get anywhere in life when you are just standing still?

Evaluation Appointment With An Auditory/Speech Therapist

While I am constantly amazed at all of the new noises I am now able to hear, I am still having a difficult time with my speech discrimination (or understanding).  I was told by the Envoy Technician that this is likely due to my dependency on reading lips. If I am not looking at the person who is talking, I am not able to understand what they are saying. While I hear them loud and clear, my brain cannot process what is being said. The best way I can explain what this is like is to picture yourself in a room where no one speaks your language. While you have the physical ability to hear, you have no idea what they are saying. You are looking around constantly to try to pick up on social cues that will help you follow what is being said. You may feel isolated. You may feel alone. You may even feel a bit paranoid like people are talking or laughing about you. Sometimes you laugh it off and pretend to go along with the conversation and other times you get so down on yourself that you escape the situation as soon as you can.

I do not want to be like this anymore. I want to be able to take advantage of my new ability to hear. I don't want to have to hear by looking. I want to hear by hearing as much as my physical ability will let me! 

So, I decided to contact an Auditory/Speech Therapist to help me with my ability to understand running conversation, regardless of my financial situation (credit cards were created for a reason, right?). My inability to hear conversation and to be social affects the quality of my life and so, I felt that it was necessary for me to take this next step. I have come to terms with the fact that I may never be able to have the hearing that I used to have, but I do not want to have any regrets in this process or look back and say "I wish I did this" or "I should have done that" to help myself. I have been thinking about this for a while and I would regret it if I did not give myself this opportunity.

I had my evaluation this week, which consisted mostly of talking about the history of my hearing loss, my progress with the Esteem hearing implant, and situations that are difficult for me to hear. I was also tested on my word and sound discrimination. Throughout the entire test, she sat behind me so that I would not be able to read her lips. For the first part of the test I had to repeat the word. Very basic and similar to the speech discrimination test that are given by my audiologist.

For the second part of the test, I had to repeat sentences. However, they were sentences that did not make sense (e.g., I put the basketball in the toaster). Since most hearing impaired individuals actually pick up on about 30% percent through reading lips and 30% through actually hearing, they must fill in the rest of the conversation with social cues and other people's facial expressions. If we miss even one word, or interpret one word incorrectly, then this has a HUGE effect on our understanding since topics switch very readily in running conversation. So, by having to repeat sentences that do not make sense, this really test how much I am able to hear and how much I am filling in the blanks.

The third part of the evaluation was repeating a sentence in which I had to fill in the last part. For example, she would say, “You cook a turkey in the...” and I would say "oven" if I had heard the sentence correctly. She made sure that there were minimal options for the blank word in the sentence. So again, this test how much of the sentence I am hearing.

Essentially, she found that I am having a difficult time with soft, short consonant sounds, such as the “s” and the “f” sounds. These are short and quick sounds that fall within the higher frequencies, which my brain is not use to hearing since I haven’t heard these sounds in the last 9 years!

She said that therapy and practicing sound discrimination exercises will improve my ability to hear and identify these sounds more readily. Even if she has to repeat a word 100 times, each time she makes that sound or says that word, it will build and strengthen the connection in my brain.

We agreed to meet for 30 minutes ever week for now until she develops a more finalized work plan for me. She said that she would be willing to provide me with practice exercises to do on my own, if I cannot afford to have her come every week. She also mentioned that it typically takes about 3-6 months of intense practice in order to see a difference. This means practicing EVERY SINGLE DAY.

I think God is truly testing my ability to be patient... I don’t know where I got the idea in my head that this would be an “easy” process. Life is all about learning and finding who we are. Where would inner and spiritual growth come from if everything was easy and perfect all the time! While the last decade has not been easy for me, I have grown a tremendous amount and learned so much about myself through this experience. I am actually looking forward to my journey of acceptance and finally finding peace within myself. I have been struggling through life for a while now and it feels good to let go of this a little bit each day.

Let go and Let God.

Follow-Up On My Recent Hearing Test Results

I finally heard back from Michelle today. She said that she thinks the big reason why I saw worse results at my last visit was due to my illness and the fluid in my middle ear. She said that even a small amount of fluid could disrupt how the device works as well as my ability to hear. Between my allergies and getting over a cold, I was fighting quite a bit! She also mentioned that my hearing should improve as I continue to heal over the next couple of months, and that I should not be worried….just yet at least.

I had also asked her what type of results I should expect to see and she said that most patients see an average of 30-40 decibels of gain (that would still put me in the moderate loss range in the high frequencies). Before going into this, I was told that my hearing would be close to normal again, so this scared me a little bit. I was definitely expecting a greater overall gain. She said that it is still too early in the process to tell what my gain will be and that I need to be a bit more patient with the process.

Why do people keep telling me this?

In thinking about my lack of patience, I found a very inspiring quote:

“Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them - every day begin the task anew.”

Saint Francis de Sales

French Saint & Bishop of Geneva (1567 - 1622)

Although I must be patient with this process, I must also never give up on this life changing journey. I must not lose courage in this process when I am feeling down or things are not going my way. Everyday is a new day and an opportunity for a new beginning.

My New Years Resolution Is Acceptance

One of the most difficult things I have had to do in the past 10 years is to accept my hearing loss. I feel like I still have yet to fully come to terms with this as I do still become frustrated and sometimes have a difficult time speaking up about it.  I feel like every time I am around my sister, I become closer and closer to accepting my hearing loss.  My sister is a certified yoga instructor, but is currently working for a non-profit in New York called Reach Granada. She is very spiritual and has so much positive energy that just being around her makes you feel inspired, like you can conquered the world and that anything is possible. I wish I could see her everyday because I think its would help my tendency to think the worst of situations. For the last couple of years, she has been driving me to accept my hearing loss and become more open about it. However, in the past I kept closing her out and telling her “you just don’t understand”.

First of all, living with a hearing disability is not that easy. I am not sure which is worse: Being born with and having to live your entire life with a hearing disability OR adjusting to a whole new way of living after developing hearing loss later in life. There are probably thousands of reason why one is worse than the other, but my situation is the latter and that is what I can speak. However, I think it is safe to say that either way, living with hearing loss sucks!

For me, I am grateful for having had normal hearing during my childhood and adolescent. At least I have heard and have had the opportunity to experience sound. However, I do think I have had and am having a more difficult time adjusting to living with a hearing impairment compared to someone who was born with hearing loss. When you are born with a hearing disability, life with a hearing loss is all you know. You start sign language or speech therapy at a young age. You are used wearing hearing aids. You are used to talking about it with family and friends. Looking at this from an outside perspective, I feel like it would be a bit easier to cope with if I was born deaf.

It was not until high school that my hearing loss became noticeable and took a turn for the worst so I was able to hear fairly well for the first 17 or so years of my life. I had a glimpse of the “good life”.  I think what also made it difficult for me was that once I found out I had mild hearing loss in high school, my hearing decreased pretty rapidly over a 9 year period (on average, about 10 decibels per year).  Since this happened so quickly, I did not have a lot of time to process what was happening to me. It was not until a couple of years ago that I realized how much my hearing loss has affected my life and just how difficult it was for me to hear in situations. Once I acknowledged that I was a twenty something year old living with severe hearing loss, I was far from accepting it as the status quo of my life.

As I lost my hearing, I lost a lot of myself with it because I had such a difficult time accepting my hearing loss. Although I do not think I have reached full acceptance of my hearing loss, I am damn proud of how far I have come over the last couple of years and I owe a lot of that to my husband, family, and friends for their never ending support and unconditional love. I honestly do not think I would have made it out of this alive if it wasn’t for them.

I know my sister will never understand what it is like to live with hearing loss, just like I will never know what it is like to live with scar on my face (she was in an car accident about 5 years ago). Neither of us will ever understand each others situations because neither of us have lived a life in the others shoes. However, by driving me to accept my hearing loss, she wasn't trying to understand. She wasn't trying to force me to do something because she "thought it was easy". She was trying to release me from the pain. It wasn't until this Christmas when she said something really powerful to me that it all just clicked.

“You suffer when you choose not to accept your reality.”

Take a deep breath and really let this soak in. 

By not accepting the way things are, we are allowing ourselves to suffer; It is only when we accept, that we can find peace within ourselves. By not accepting my hearing loss, I am causing myself to suffer. By not accepting that my journey to hear again is a slow and vigourous process, I am causing myself to suffer. By getting frustrated that my progress with the Esteem is not smooth sailing as I expected, I am causing myself to suffer. We cannot move forward in life if we are suffering. We cannot overcome lifes struggles, when we are in this much pain. We will not be free from this pain until we accept the reality of our lives. 

Sounds simple, right? I accept my life and I will be happy.

Wrong! Unfortunately, like everything else in life, true acceptance takes time, energy, and hard work. The best things in life do not come easy. It takes not only our trust and faith in God, but also our trust and faith in ourselves. It takes inner strength we must reach from within to find. We must love ourselves for the person that we are today, not the person we were yesterday. Not the disability we cannot control. Not the financial plunders we are in. We must live life as it is. Do not worry about what happened yesterday or what will happen tomorrow. Live life today for what it is worth. Accept today for what it is, whether the situations you encounter are good or bad. GOD will give you the strength to overcome. You just have to have a little faith.

I do not know what the rest of my journey will be like. What struggles I will face. What crossroads I may come to. I will not worry about the embarrassing situations I encountered in the past because I was not able to hear. I will not focus on the situations in the past that made me feel bad about myself. My past situations do not define me and I will no longer let them hold me back in life. I have a new ear and I am ready to make the most use of it in 2012!  

In light of the new year, my New Years resolution is to find acceptance within myself, my life, my hearing, situations I encounter, all things in life.

Happy New Years! 

A Survival Guide for New Deafies! (GREAT BOOK)

My husband got me a Kindle for Christmas and I found the most amazing book! It is called A Survival Guide for New Deafies! and is specifically written for people who suffer from late on-set hearing loss, LIKE ME!

It is a short book (only 39 pages) and took me about 30 minutes to read. It is one of those books that I will read over and over again whenever I am feeling down about myself or am unable to hear something; very inspiring. If you are suffering from hearing loss and are having a difficult time accepting it as your reality, then I definitely suggest you read this. It is also a great book for family and friends of Deafies to read so that they can understand the struggle we face and how to react to your situation.

Here are the "rules" that are outlined in this book:

• Always have a sense of humor about your hearing loss
• Never Apologize for being a Deafie! NEVER!
• Be honst about your new Deafie status to old and new friends, family, and associates 
• Learn all modes of communication
• Stay social!
• Understand your hearing loss
• Allow for only small moments of self pity!!
• Beware of non-believers

Just thought I would share this piece of inspiration to anyone out there struggling with hearing loss! :)

Road Trip To St. Louis

Fraser and I are spending the Christmas holiday with my family in St. Louis! 


We were planning to leave last night, but a huge snowstorm hit Kansas and parts of I-70 were closed so we decided it would be best to wait until today to start driving. I am glad that we decided to drive instead of fly because I heard that DIA (Denver International Airport) was PACKED and many flights were delayed. Nothing like spending 8 hours in the airport waiting for your flight to take off (yes, this has actually happened to me). 


Many people hate traveling by car, but I have come to love it! Growing up as a kid, my family drove everywhere when we went on vacation and, while it was not always the most pleasant experience, some of my favorite moments from childhood are from our family road trips. I think our longest drive was from St. Louis to Fort Lauderdale (~24 hours if I remember correctly), besides our family trip to visit colleges during the summer between my sisters Junior and Senior year of high school, which was a 10 day trip through the Midwest, up to New York, and down through most of the east coast. Many “Griswald” memories… Anyways, I was very excited for our road trip to St. Louis.

When we woke up this morning, my ears were hurting and kept feeling like they needed to pop. I kept holding my nose while swallowing but it just didn’t seem to do the trick. I had not taken my allergy medicine in almost a week so we had to take a little detour this morning to find a Walgreens that was open at 6:00 am!


I decided to take the first shift of driving because I was so excited to just listen to music with the open road in front of me. When I drove home from work yesterday, music on the radio sounded AMAZING! SO much different than it had sounded in the last two months. I didn’t experience any distortion and I was able to actually hear the different instruments. I was also able to hear the words well enough to later find the songs on itunes to download them for our road trip. However, driving on the highway while listening to music was quite different for me.

First of all, I was so overwhelmed by all of noises a car makes. Before my re-adjustment appointment, the sound of driving a car was mostly just a loud muffled noise. When I was driving today, I noticed that a car makes a different noise as you drive over different parts of the highway. Also, in certain parts I heard this constant “clunk-clunk”, which sounded almost like a horse galloping. I actually remember as a kid not being able to sleep in the car because I was so distracted by this on some parts of the highway. I would even sing songs in my head to the beat of this noise. I also took notice to the sounds that the car makes when it accelerates. It is weird how I never really noticed these little things before.

So, these car noises were a bit overwhelming for me and interfered with the sound of the music. It took a good 2 hours of trial and error to find the programming that would take away the background noise but also allow me to hear the music clearly. I think I tried each and every volume on each and every program setting. I also tried this in conjunction with adjusting the car stereo. 


My husband woke up while I was in the middle of trying to figure this out and told me that the quality of the music I have been downloading is really bad. It made me feel better knowing that it sounded a little crackly to him as well, but it is weird that I never noticed how poor the quality of my music was. Maybe that is why it sounded so bad before? It wasn’t until he plugged in his ipod that things sounded a bit more comfortable. Unfortunately, his ipod has thousands of songs and it is so difficult to sort through and find the ones I actually like!

I feel like each of my 3 program settings have their plus’s and minus's when it comes to listening to music, but none of them sounded “perfect” (if that is even possible). I feel like the programming that sounded the best for one song, was not always true for the next song. I found what worked best for me and produced the least amount of distortion was if I had my Esteem set lower and the volume in the car set higher. If I turned my Esteem past volume 3 on any of the programming, I would experience crackling distortion. What I found interesting was that when I did increase the volume past 3, the actual instrumentals sounded great, loud, and clear. It seemed that the voice of the singer or the cheering in the background (from albums recorded live from concerts) was what produced the distortion. So, after many hours of trying, I found C3 to be the “best” setting. While the noises of the car were a bit louder than I would have liked, I think the music sounded the clearest at this setting. 


I did talk to my husband about this and he said that when you are driving on the highway, it is just loud. That is the way it is. He explained that the noisiness of the car is what he hears too which is why he has to increase the volume so that he can hear it over the loud noises of the car. He also explained to me that more “basey” bands or singers with deeper voices are more difficult to hear since the sound of the car drowns out the music so he also has to adjust the volume depending on type of music he is listening to.

What I found to be pretty amazing is that songs were much easier for me to identify. Before my Esteem, it would take me at least 30 seconds to identify a song that was being played. I would first have to turn it very loud so that I could actually hear what the song was, and once I identified it, I would be able turn it down and then follow along more easily. So, I feel like I am actually hearing the music much better than I ever did before.

Right now, Fras is driving and listening to talk radio. This, for some reason, is not as clear on C3. I find that listening to talk radio and talking in the car is much easier on my “Background” settings. I found B7 to be the easiest for me to comprehend what was being said, of course when I put the effort in to do so.

I also want to mention one of the few benefits of having a disability. It can get you out of speeding tickets. I was a little speed demon when I was driving earlier today and got pulled over. With all of the cars flying by, I wasn’t able hear what the officers was saying so I kindly explained to him that I am hearing impaired, just got surgery, and was having a difficult time hearing him and asked if he could speak up. We started talking to him about the surgery and our plans for the holiday as I tired to find my license and registration. He went to his car and came back a minute later with a warning. Score! This is actually the third time I have played the "hearing impaired" card and gotten out of a ticket.

Hearing Test Results From First Adjustment

As I mentioned in my last post, I completed a hearing test during my re-adjustment appointment. This is probably one of my least favorite things in the world. I mean who likes to be tested and scored on something you know you are not very good at! Well, I received my test results today and I have to say that I am very disappointed with my scores and feel like I am hearing a lot more than what is showing up in this test. 


Before the implant, I had severe to profound hearing loss (in the lower and high ranges, respectively). My test is showing only a 5 decibel improvement with my Esteem, with the greatest improvement at 15,000Hz (80 to 30 decibels). I also had requested my hearing test from the day of my activation, and, at most frequencies, my hearing was, on average, 5 decibels better than my recent test. My test scores went down from my activation to my readjustment. Also, my Esteem scores are about 5-10 decibels less than my hearing aided scores. 


It really broke my heart when I saw these tests. I told my husband this and he was shocked as well and felt that he has noticed such a difference in my hearing and speech. I am feeling very concerned about this lack of improvement and am hoping that it has something to do with my cold instead of something more serious. I emailed my Technician about this to see if she could offer any explanation. 

Additionally, my word understanding increased from 68% to 76%. I was told that patients typically increases about 10-15% at this stage in the process and I am below that average with an 8% increase. I am not trying to justify anything, but I do feel like it is difficult to really detect an accurate account of differences when my pre-test took place in Denver, in which the audiologist said the word, and the test today used a recorded voice. When I was tested in St. Louis just 3 months before my test in Denver, my word understanding was 20%. I think this was so low because they used a recording of a female with a high pitch voice. So I am not going to let myself get too discouraged about this, as I will have a more accurate comparison when I am tested at my next readjustment appointment. 


While I am trying to stay positive about this (the situations is what it is), I am a bit concerned and will feel much better once I hear what the Envoy Technician has to say about this. More details to come...

First Esteem Readjustment

Today was my readjustment appointment. It has been about 16 weeks since my surgery and 8 weeks since the Esteem device was activated. I have to say that this has been a very long 2-month in becoming acclimated to the Esteem and I have not officially even made it all the way through the C program. Due to my cold, I am still hanging out at C3. 


Not to say that I am unhappy with the Esteem, but I wish I had been prepared for what a learning process this would be for me. I went into this experience thinking my life would change drastically over night and the reality of the situation is this is a learning process and takes A LOT of time. I was told that for some people, it takes over a year! 


While the sound that I do hear is natural, I have a long way to go in regards to learning to hear again. For the last 10+ years, I have become very dependent on reading lips, watching TV with subtitles, and I essentially stopped talking on the phone, so I literally lost my ability to truly comprehend by hearing. I hear by looking not by listening. I truly believe that part of the reason I am having a difficult time adjusting has a lot to do with how much I have isolated myself from situations that require me to hear. I wonder if I had continued to put myself in all those uncomfortable situations if I would still be having this much trouble understanding what people say. 


The Envoy Technician I met with today told me that I am still becoming acclimated to the device and that I really need to be practicing, every single day, how to hear without reading lips. She suggested that I find some old children’s books and have my husband sit in front of me, with the book in front of his face covering his lips. He would read one sentence at a time and after each sentence, I would repeat it after him. She suggested starting with childrens' books since the words and sentences are not very complex, and working up to more challenging books/articles/stories. Also, I told her I had looked into Auditory/Speech Therapy and asked what she thought about this. When I suggested this to the first Envoy Technician I worked with, she didn’t think it was necessary and just stressed what a learning process this is. However, my Technician today said that every little bit helps and thought this may be a good idea for me, particularly, since I am so dependent on reading lips for comprehension. This type of therapy is pretty expensive ($100/sessions) for my husband and I considering our financial situation and with my hubby still out of work, it is just financially not in the cards for me right now so I am hoping and praying that the new year will bring good fortune so that I am able to do this and help myself.

Overall, I felt that my readjustment appointment went fairly well and I have to say that I felt less emotional and much more satisfied with my appointment and settings compared to my initial activation. Having the film crew around for my activation made me feel a little flustered and it wasn’t until the end of the appointment, when we asked the film crew to leave, that I was able to address my concerns. At that time, most of the adjustments had already been made. I didn’t realize this until today, but I feel like I wasn’t really asked during my activation appointment how things sounded. I feel like I wasn’t really a part of the programming, and I guess it was probably because everything was so new to me and I didn’t know what it should have sounded like. I probably wouldn’t have been able to tell them either! 


Today, I feel like the focus was on me and I was able to test out a bunch of different program and volume settings to see which was the clearest for me. There were times in the appointment where the Technician would go back and forth between 2 different settings a couple of times before I could tell the difference and pick the one that was clearest for me. She also read out loud which allowed me to see which setting provided the most clarity in speech. One thing I thought we were going to do was listen to music, and I had mentioned it at the beginning of my appointment, but it totally slipped my mind by the end and I forgot to bring it up again so we could determine the setting that is best for listening to music. I will have to remember this next time if Music is still sounded pretty crappy...

I, unfortunately, am still getting over my cold and have a bit of congestion so the Technician was not able to advance my profile settings very much. From what I understand, her programming was telling her that my feedback threshold was higher and that I could take another step up, but whenever she set my device to that higher level, I would get high-pitched screeching feedback. The Technician has a little device that checks the amount of fluid in my ear and it indicated that there was some fluid, most likely from my cold and from not taking my allergy medicine in the last couple of days. She said this excess fluid in my ear is likely causing the feedback at the higher settings. So while I was able to gain some volume and range, it is disappointing that I couldn’t have gained more because of this stupid cold!

The way my device is currently programmed is A is my “Everyday” setting. B is my “Background Noise” setting, which I will use when I am in noisy places. This setting does not contain many of the lower frequencies of sound so is supposed to help eliminate background noise. My C setting is my “Music” setting and contains all frequencies and tones. She was a little concerned that when I am feeling better and there are les fluids in my ears I will want more volume, so instead of having 0-5 volume settings within each program, my volume range goes from 0-10. For some reason, having this wide range makes me feel a bit more in control of my hearing. As I did in the last 2 months, she said I will really want to keep track of how different noises sound on these settings and which situations are still difficult so she can fix these issues as best as possible during my next readjustment in 2-3 months. I left the appointment today on A7.

I also completed a hearing test, which I requested from my Envoy Technician. She said she would email this to me within the next couple of days, so I am very excited to compare these to my original hearing test scores. I feel like I have noticed such an improvement and hope that my hearing test reflects this.

My appointment lasted 2.5 hours and I truly feel satisfied that all of my issues/concerns were addressed and that the device is set in the best way possible to fit my needs, considering the fluid build up from my cold. While I cant help but feel a little disappointed that I was not able to get the boost I was hoping for, the situation is outside of my control so I must accept that this is my reality and move forward from here.

Well, that is pretty much the gist of my re-adjustment appointment. I also feel like there have been some positive changes in regards to my level of hearing and new sounds. I didn’t think it was possible but I feel that all noises generally sound crisper and clearer to me. Especially my whistle. Also, before my readjustment, I found most noises to sound more high pitch than I remember. I barely recognized my moms voice on the phone. Now, most noises seem to have a bit more base, which makes everything sound deeper, and to me, more “normal”. Probably because I am not used to hearing these high pitched tones as that is where my hearing loss is more profound. I have also found that noises that used to be extremely loud and cause distortion with my Esteem, such as cars driving by downtown or the blow dryer, actually sound "comfortable" and not too loud. I also found that I can hear pretty well on my cell phone but my work phone is still a bit difficult for me. I think I am going to have to play around with this more. Finally, all of my bodily noises (i.e., chewing, swallowing, drinking, etc.) are noticeable again.

While I was at work today, every time I went into the kitchen, I heard the refrigerators running. At the end of the day, I heard the dishwasher going too. There have been so many occasions where I would open the dishwasher and not realize it was on because I couldn’t hear it. The refrigerator and dishwasher are both noises that I have not heard in the 4 years I have been with my company, so this was pretty exciting for me. I had a large team meeting today and didn’t really notice the difference that I was hoping for, but I do think this has a lot to do with my dependency on reading lips more than the clarity of voices. Sometime I feel like I am attending a meeting in a different language. I can physically hear everyone in the room, but I just don’t understand what is being said most of the time (unless I am looking).

Since my appointment was downtown near were I work, I had Fraser drop and pick me up from work today. My mom called me as I was getting into the car, which I surprisingly heard on vibrate in my purse. She was anxious to hear how everything went so I updated her on the details of my appointment and she told me that I "sound really good". I was sort of frustrated when I talked to her so I wasn’t sure what she was talking about. She said that my voice sound better and more clear AKA less lispy. My mom still claims that she never noticed my speech impediment, but come on mom, its pretty apparent. Mom’s. Always trying to make us feel better about ourselves.

As I am sitting in bed writing this, I can hear the dishwasher going off in the kitchen 2 rooms away. Since my activation, I have been able to hear this noise while in the kitchen, but never this loud and clear from a distance.

The only thing I have not tried to do today is listen to music but my hubby, puppy, and I are roadtripping from Denver to St. Louis (12-14 hours) on Wednesday, so I am sure I will have plenty of opportunity to do test this out.

Envoy Questionnaire| Comfortable Settings & Difficult Situations

Prior to my adjustment appointment, Envoy requested that I fill out a questionnaire addressing what sounds are comfortable for me as well as any situations that have been difficult for me to hear in over the last 2 months (since my activation). I have outlined the answers to this questionnaire below. 

What profile/volume do you use most of the time?

I use C3 or C4 most of the time. If I am in a noisy environment, B3 is most comfortable.

How often do you change your settings?

I progressed through the settings fairly quickly. I increased the volume about every two days and was at comfortably at C3 (without having to go back to the B settings every once in a while) after about two weeks. Since then, I have been going up and down from C3 to C5 depending on how much head congestion I experienced on a particular day. 

Which other settings have you used?

I have used them all at some point in the progress.

Are there environment(s) where you feel that you may have some issues with your hearing? What are the environment(s)? What were the issue(s)? What profile/volume did you try to use in that environments(s)? What profile/volume did you change while having the issue(s)? How did this impact your hearing? Did you ask a normal hearing companion if they had a similar experience to any degree in this environment?

Road and Car Noises While Driving. These noises sound loud, muffled, and interfere with my ability to understand what others in the car are saying. If I turn it down to the B settings this produces less interference. I asked my husband and he said that car noises are muffled, can be loud, and can sometimes interfere with his ability to hear. However, he is almost always able to carry on a conversation while driving with me or others. 

Music from a speaker (e.g., my computer or on the radio) or with my ear phones (e.g., ipod). While live music sounds great, music from these venues do not sound natural to me. Parts of songs will sound okay, but then all of a sudden there will be a squeaky noise that is a bit distorted and feels uncomfortable to my ear. I have tried different volume combinations on my Esteem and the music source and cannot find a combination that feels comfortable for me. It is either too soft for me to really hear it but no squeaky distortion, OR it is loud enough for me to hear with the squeaky distortion. The setting that fits "best" is B3. I asked my husband to put the music at a volume that is comfortable to him and told him what I experienced and his reaction was not the same.

Large Group Meetings at Work. I have a difficult time hearing people at a distance from me and find myself pretty dependent on looking at people to understand what they are saying. Background noise, such as the heat blowing, interferes with my ability to hear and understand people.  The volume I found to be best in these situations is C4 or C5. I did not ask others about this situations but everyone in the rooms seems to be able to follow.

Watching TV. I have a difficult time hearing my TV and am still pretty dependent on closed captioning for understanding. C4 or C5 is the setting that is the easiest for me. My husband says that 13 is a comfortable volume for him and I liked to have the volume at about 23 so that I can actually hear. Turning my device up helps a little, but not enough that I could hear comfortably at 13.

Group Settings/Noisy Places (e.g., restaurants). I have a difficult time filtering out background noise in these settings and find that people voices blend with the background noise. I still have to read lips in order to understand and follow along in conversation. I find that one-on-one interaction is easier than group settings. The A settings make everything too quiet and the C settings are too loud. I found the B programming to be best in this type of setting. When I have asked people about this, they do tell me that the place is just "really loud"; however, I feel like they are able to understand everyone and follow along in conversation pretty easily.

My Work Phone. I am able to hear pretty well on my cell phone but I have a VERY difficult time talking on my work phone. Voices are a bit distorted and crackly and I actually find my hearing aid to produce a clearer sound. I have tried a few volume combinations with my Esteem and the phone, and still find it difficult. I did not ask others about this but all employees use the same type of phone regularly without issues.

As you can imagine I am more than excited for my readjustment and hope that after some tweaking, I will be able to hear better in all (or at least most) of these situations.

Head Cold and Feedback From My Esteem

Most of the feedback and distortion I have experienced with my Esteem has sounded oceany or like a crackling noise. Up until last week, I had only experienced the high pitched screeching feedback twice. However, I have only heard this on the highest profile setting (C5) and it has never been constant. The first time I heard this type of feedback was about a week before Thanksgiving when I got out of the shower and wrapped my hair in a towel. My ear was folded within my towel when this happened so, once I adjusted the position of my ear the feedback went away. Just to be safe, I changed my programming to C4 that evening. I wonder if having water in my ear caused this feedback?

The night of Thanksgiving is when I heard this high-pitched feedback again. I had spent a long day at work (yes, work!) in effort to save my holiday time for Christmas and we had spent the evening with Frasers’ parents cooking and eating dinner, so I was pretty exhausted that evening. Fraser collapsed in bed and I jumped in bed on top of him, laying my head on chest. This was when I heard the squeaky high-pitched feedback for the second time. I looked at Fraser and asked him if he heard it too. He seemed puzzled as to what I was talking about. As a joke, my husband calls my hearing aids my “squeakers” because every time I try to cuddle with him and lay in his nook, they would produce a loud screeching feedback that he could actually hear.  I guess he cannot hear feedback from my Esteem!

Throughout my life, even as a young child, I have always experienced seasonal allergies but since my surgery, my head congestion has been a bit out of control. I have been coughing up some questionable mucus and just feel like I have a permanent sinus infection. Interestingly, I have not actually felt sick. I was told by Dr. Marzo that I should expect to have some head congestion for the next couple of months and that taking an over the counter decongestant should help reduce the amount of fluids and make this a bit more manageable. During my activation, I was told that head congestion or having a cold may make it more difficult to hear, as it would when a person with normal hearing has a cold. I was also told that having a cold produces fluids in your ear which could also cause feedback. Throughout the last couple of month I have been taking Zyertec D pretty consistently and have found that this does have an effect on how well I am able to hear. I am generally able to hear much better when it is in my system.

Towards the end of November, I saw my doctor for a check-up and told her what I was experiencing. She put me on an antibiotic for 10 days but that didn’t really seem to do the trick. For the last week, I have been experiencing the high-pitched screeching feedback every time I blow my nose. Basically, my ear would pop while blowing my nose and I would experience this feedback until I swallowed and my ear had un-popped. This was even happening when I went down to C3. When my ears popped, it sort of hurt. The pain was not unbearable but it definitely didn’t feel good! I have only had one ear infection in my entire life and I just remember my ear popping and it feeling similar to this.

So, basically I have been experiencing the signs of a cold for the last month but I did not actually start feeling sick until this weekend. When I woke up yesterday, my nose was so stuffed up I could barely breath, my glands were so swollen I couldn’t even talk, and I was coughing up some questionable mucus. I spent most of the day sleeping, which my puppy Rufus did not like.  He kept sneaking into the bedroom with his ball, trying desperately do play fetch with me. At one point, he dropped his ball underneath the bed and started whimpering because he couldn’t get it. I stuck my head underneath the bed so I could grab his ball and my ear started screeching with the high-pitched feedback but this time it did not stop. I had to turn my ear down in order to get this feedback to go away. Something was definitely not right.

First thing this morning, Fraser called the doctor and made an appointment for me. She said I have an ear and sinus infection (boo!) and put me on the Z-pack, steroids, a decongestant, and cough syrup so I hope to get this cold out of my system before my readjustment appointment next week. I am very concerned that this will impact my appointment and I pray to God that everything will work out for the best.

Thinking Too Much

I wonder what sounds I am not hearing, but do not know I am not hearing because I have no one there to tell me of that sound. Also, others may not think twice of a noise so they may not outwardly say it so I wouldn’t know to listen for a noise. I think this may have something to do with my ADHD but sometimes I will not hear something until it is brought to my attention by someone. Then, when I focus on the noise I am able to hear it. Thinking about this I wondering if I am actually hearing it or if it is just a memory of that sound. I think I am thinking too much and need to go to bed…

Hearing Aids In The Shower

The weirdest thing has been happening to me recently. I am still not 100% used to hearing different sounds so every time I get into the shower, I start to freak out when I hear all of the noises of the shower. I scramble to pull my hearing aid out and then realize that I do not have my hearing aid in. There is nothing to "take out" because I am hearing this out of my "real" ear. I am hearing with my Esteem! There used to be so many occasions when I would forget to take my hearing aids out when I got in the shower and would realize 30 seconds after that they were still in. I would frantically scream for Fraser to come get them and put them in my dry box. I am actually surprised my hearing aids are still working…I am so thankful that I no longer have to worry about this happening!

Last Day of Filming for the Oprah Network

The film crew from the Oprah Network came back for our last day of filming. It was the same crew except for the producer. Madeleine was not able to make it :( so they flew in a producer from LA. She was great, and Fras and I really enjoyed spending time with and getting to know her. The crew arrived at our house at 8am and had a full day of filming scheduled for us!

First on the agenda was City Park. I had actually never been here before so I was very excited to go and “experience sounds” here. As we were walking into the park, the first thing I heard was my footsteps among the leaves. This was not a new sound for me to hear, but I swear, the more I hear certain noises the more crisp and clear the sound becomes. Also, the more I hear different sounds, the easier it is for me to identify and differentiate between sounds. 


City park is near the zoo and there was a Whooping Crane that was very noisy on this Sunday morning. While walking, I kept hearing this bird in conjunction with children on the playground. Both of the noises were sharp and high pitch. I had a very difficult time telling the difference between these two noises when we first arrived at the park. As we made our way to the playground, there were three little girls singing as they were swinging on the swings. I could not make out what they were singing until I asked Fraser. He told me they were counting and he started to count with them, whispering under his breath. I followed Fraser's counting and matched it to the counting of the little girls. That was when I actually understood, for myself, what exactly they were singing. I wonder why I was not able to understand what they singing on my own. How was I able to understand this after Fraser had told me? When will I learn to hear, identify, and understand this on my own? Although I was not able to pick up on what they were singing right away, I was able to differentiate between when the were singing compared to when they were just simply chatting. 


The most memorable part of this experience for me was hearing a child's laughter. There is something about the innocence of children that relaxes me and puts a big smile on my face. Childhood. Everything was an exciting adventure. So much hope. So much to look forward too. For the first time in 9 years, I feel like I can relate. My lifelong dream has been to work with children, but because of my hearing loss it became very difficult for me communicate with them since their voices are so high pitch. What I experienced in the park today has really inspired me to work with kids again. It is so easy to forget what you are missing out on when you have avoided it for so many years. 

Our next stop was The Denver Zoo. We had our own escort and had VIP access to see the Coo Coo bird. This bird was ridiculously loud and really could drive someone "Coo Coo". They had Fraser and I wait outside while they got the bird ready and “vocal”. I remember waiting outside the room and thinking to myself, "What the heck is going on in there? Is this bird being slaughtered?” That’s how loud and alarming this sound was. 


When we first walked into the room, it all just seemed like one big noise to me and was causing a little feedback with my ear. However, the longer we stayed in there, the more natural the noise became and the more I was able to hear all of the different levels of the Coo Coo birds' screams. I think before my implant this noise would have seemed like one big blob of sound, but it was amazing that I was able to hear and differentiate among the different squawking calls this bird made. The bird was so loud though that it made me want to cringe at some times. It was almost painful. Not painful like it would be if you got pinched but a different kind of pain that is too difficult to explain. This is a pain I don’t think I have ever experienced. It was almost a good pain to know that my ears now have the capacity to hear something like this. That sound is actually too loud for me instead of me struggling to hear. My adrenalin was rushing and my heart was beating a mile a minute the entire time we spent with the bird. The feeling I was experiencing was overwhelming but in a good way. The producer noticed my reaction to all of this and did a quick interview afterward but I was so BAHHH excited and giddy and shaky. This was not like anything I had experience yet!


Our next stop was the monkey house, as we had been told that the monkeys have been "vocal" recently. However, there was not much activity and the only thing I did hear was the “choo choo” of the train and the “ding ding ding” of the bell at the train station behind us. Fraser cracked a joke about how I ALWAYS want to ride the train everytime we are at the zoo and the film crew decided it was time to finally fulfill this desire! We road around once and the sound of the train moving on the tracks overwhelmed my ears and, because of that, I was not able to hear much else besides the whistle and bell of the train. Throughout the entire ride, the conductor was talking and although I was able to hear him loud and clear, I was not able to make out what he was saying. After we road around, the film crew asked the conductor if they could get some shots of the bell and the train whistle. I decided this was too much fun for me to miss out on so I asked if I could be the one who actually did the "ringing" and "tooting".  I don’t think the zoo would have let me do this on any other day so I took advantage of this and just had fun with it! 


We ate some lunch and then fed the Lorikeets. Again, FREE access and food for the birds! I placed my hand near one of the birds and it jumped right onto my hand and started eating the nector! I have never experienced anything like this so this was pretty cool. I think I was so distracted with this that I really did not take notice to the sounds I was hearing. I heard the birds chirping but the noise was very faint. The sound of others talking around me was what I heard the most. After this we decided to call it quits and move on to the next activity.

After the zoo we went to a music store. I have to say that this was probably, by far, the most awkward of all the filming that we did because I have absolutely NO musical talent. When we first walked in, Fras and I started to play with some little noise makers. We got into a little groove and “crack!”. I broke one of the instruments! I felt SO awful about this. Of course this happens to me… on camera! After my embarrassing moment, I moved on to something that was a little harder to break… windchimes. I LOVED this noise! It is so peaceful. Probably my second favorite sound besides water. I can't remember the last time I heard this, but Fraser mentioned to me that his family has wind chimes at their house in Naples and Aspen, and in the 4 years we have been going there, I have not noticed this noise once! What a beautiful sound that I have been missing out on.


I was then filmed playing around on the piano. I had actually taken piano lessons as a kid, but my mind went blank on what to play so I was just sitting there, tapping random keys. I kept thinking to myself "doo doo doo. This is so awkward". I tried to break this awkward moment by sliding my fingers all the way down the piano in one swift motion! I had everyone laughing after that and that is when I decided to be done with the piano. I then went on to play the drums and was asked to describe the sounds I was hearing. This was very difficult for me because how does one really explain sound? The way I see sound is that either I love it, I hate it, or just don't take notice to it. It is hard to explain why something sounds good or bad. It just does. Also, I must say that I don’t like how any instrument sounds when I play it but when I was able to hear the store owner play, it was glorious. I was able to pick out 3 different string instruments for him to play and I picked the mandalin, violin, and banjo. I loved them all but my favorite was the banjo. Not sure if this is because of my midwestern roots or because of my favorite episode of Family Guy when Stewie plays the banjo ("I got blisters on me fingers!"). Before we left, the store had invited us to attend the children's music recital. We still had one more thing to do, so we were only able to stay for the first couple of songs but it was breathtaking. Live music is incredible! This kids were amazingly talented!


What I realized about my experience at the music store today was just how much I miss music. I have mentioned this before, but I have always loved music. I never had the musical talent, but I loved everything about the way it sounded. I especially loved classical music and would sometimes pretend I was the conductor of the symphony, acknowledging each instrument. I have always loved musicals as well. I cannot even tell you how many nights my mom and I would spend watching old movies, singing and dancing to the music. Also, during the summer my family would go to outdoor musicals at the St. Louis Muny. However, in the last couple of year music just hasn’t sounded very clear to me so I just stopped listening to it. Hearing all of these different instruments today made me realize how much I am missing out on and has inspired me to bring music back into my life.

Our last stop of the day was Wash Park Grill. Fras and I were EXHAUSTED at this point but were excited to finally spend a nice romantic dinner together which was a bit difficult to do with a camera and bright lights in your face. I was a bit nervous about dinner because this restaurant is very dark and noisy, and has been challenging for me in the past. However, tonight was almost effortless and I was also able to hear so some new noises I never noticed before my implant. I heard the clinking of our glasses. I heard the sound of the knife rubbing against the plate as Fras was cutting his food. I was able to have a conversation with Fraser while chewing and not looking at him. 


Today was pretty darn amazing and was the perfect end to my week. I left work on Friday feeling discouraged about everything but today was really fun and boosted my confidence in my future of hearing.