Halloween Hearing

Before I get started on this post, I want to mention that as I sat down in bed to write this, Fras just took a break from his video games to come say hi to me.  Right now I am laying in bed in the dark typing. The light of the computer screen blinds me from seeing his face as he is standing at the door. I just had a mini-conversation with him and I didn’t ask “what?” once. Pretty cool!  I always get excited when I make it in conversation without having to ask “what?” This doesn’t happen very often (still even on day 6 after my activation!). I want to understand people better! I am getting impatient!

Because of my impatience, I decided to turn the devise up again this morning.  Since the A and B programs have a bit of an overlap, the Envoy Technician told me to go from A5 to B3. Moving on up!  I felt like noises at home were comfortable, minus having to blow dry my hair - I had to turn my devise off for this today. However, walking downtown in the city with cars flying by a mile a minute was LOUD! And I mean PAINFULLY LOUD! I was experiencing some sound distortion as I explained before - basically sounds like the noise your phone makes when someone talks too loudly on speaker phone. Walking into work, all I could think was "Uh Oh... I think I may have turned up my devise too soon. Woopsy!" I decided to troop through the rest of the day to see what it would be like. 

I had a one-on-one meeting in the morning and, for some reason, had SUCH a difficult time hearing and understanding. Even before my implant, I, for some odd reason, had a difficult time communicating with this colleague of mine. I wonder if people that used to be hard for me to understand will always be hard for me to understand? I sure hope not!


The rest of my afternoon consisted of reviewing and editing a report, so not much other interaction to report at work today. I did receive my first phone call at work since my activation and OH MY F-ING GOD. MY RINGER IS SO LOUD! I mean I jumped like 3 feet in the air and kicked the back of my desk (I even have a scrape on the top of my foot to prove it!). My poor co-workers and office neighbors! What a commotion!  The sound of my phone ringing has never bothered me before or startled me like this. I couldn’t believe my ears. The phone rang once and that was all I needed to hear, so without thinking I picked up the phone.  I must note that I very rarely answer the phone and this was my first time on the phone at work since my activation.  I said “Hello”.  Unintelligible noises blasted from the ear piece of the phone and I quickly removed the phone from my ear. I was scrambling to turn my phone amplifier down, which was cranked all the way up.  Still… the sound was so uncomfortable I couldn’t understand what was being said. It sounded like every single instrument was playing in the symphony of my colleagues voice. I again scrambled to turn the volume down on the actual receiver. Better, but still uncomfortable. I told my colleague I was having a phone issue and asked if we could chat in person instead.


When I returned to my office, I removed my phone amplifier and tested the sound again.  Ahh! Much better.  I felt two things at this moment:

• Excitement that I could say goodbye to Mr. Amplifier FOR GOOD!! 
• Amazement with how poor my hearing was before and how much amplification I needed to be able to have a conversation and hear someone. 

I also wondered what other people thought when they used my phone at work.  Were they blasted with this sound too? Or where they able to filter this out?

When I got home, Fras was playing with Rufus and his squeaky Kong toy. This NEVER bothered me before, but today it was unbearably loud.  With the accumulation of "loud" events today - hair dryer, downtown traffic, phone ringing at work, squeaky toy - I decided to email the Envoy Technician to get her take on the situation. She quickly replied and let me know that I can turn up the devise as I feel comfortable, but no sound should be painful, or at least constantly painful.  She said it was possible that these noises were "too loud" because I increased the volume before my brain was ready.  So, I turned it down again (to B2 – which I think is the same as A5).  I had also asked the Envoy Technician if hearing loud noises would damage my "natural" hearing and her response made me 100 times more confident in the Esteem Devise.  Direct quote from her email:


“Esteem has a safety feature such that no sound will be delivered to her ear that could cause damage. For example, if someone walks in the room and shoots a gun, the Esteem will only deliver the sound that wont damage her hearing.”  


Loud noises would damage the "normal" ear but not mine!

We greeted the trick or treaters as they arrived and had 6 or 7 groups tonight! Much better than the 1 we got two years ago (when we didn’t have candy) and the no shows last year (when I actually did have LOTS of candy).  I just soaked up every minute of it and let the kiddies take lots of candy.  This was my second interaction with children and ohh I forgot how much I LOVE THEM!  I am still not completely comfortable like I used to be in interacting and communicating with them, and I still cannot understand a lot of what they are saying but tonight made me so happy.

When I turned off the tv and got ready for bed, I realized that my TV makes this high pitch “uomp-woomp” sound when it is turned off. Oh the sounds just continues to shock and amaze me!

Exploring the Sounds of Nature

My parents left to head back to Saint Louis today and I miss them already! I am so happy that they were here for my activation and were able to share such a special and magical time with me, but it stinks that we had so much going on with the my activation and the filming that I was not able to spend much "quality" time with them. Shortly after their departure, the producer and film crew arrived with open arms and warm welcomes! Not that I work with a lot of producers and film crews, but I don’t think I have ever met nicer people! Everyone has been so supportive, encouraging, understanding, and friendly throughout this entire process. I am NOT a camera person and I DO NOT like to talk in front of groups of people, but they made this experience so relaxing and enjoyable. This experience has definitely changed my perception of Hollywood and the filming world!


When I woke up this morning, I increased the volume to A5. I did not notice any new noises in my house. During my interview, a plane flew by while I was talking and they had to stop me as this interferes with the quality of sound. I didn’t hear this even after they stopped me. Throughout the day, everyone kept asking me if I could hear different noises and in a lot of instances, I couldn’t… This was a little discouraging for me because I just want to hear "normally" again!! It is one thing to not hear something, but not know you are missing it, but it is another to have other people around you hear something and know that you are the only one in the room missing out on a sound. Although I am so grateful for this implant and understand this is just the beginning of a long journey, I couldn't help but feel a little discouraged by this. I also felt that I was having some trouble hearing everyone and I had to make sure that I was looking at the person while they were talking, as I am still depending a lot on reading lips. Fras is reading this over my shoulder as I write, and just told me that the film crew expressed to Fraser how well I am doing compared to before my activation. This just made my day. 


After our interviews we went to the park to experience the sounds of nature. The first place we stopped was by this little stream that runs through the park.  It wasn’t until I got close to the water that I was able to hear the trickle of the stream. To hear the water gracefully moving across my site. To hear the sound of a stream on a cool autumn day. I mean people talk about this all the time and noise makers are set to play this exact sound that I was experiencing at this very moment. A sound I had forgotten. A sound I am NOW able to hear. A sound I hope to never forget. It is truly a miracle. And it is truly as peaceful and serene as I remember. 

It is amazing how much sound is connected to our memories from the past. Once I heard this, memories from my childhood flooded my head. Exploring the creek in my backyard, investigating my creek as it flooded during the monsoons of spring and summer, my family fishing trips to Rock Bridge. Fras looked at me and smiled. He already knew and said, “Oh my gosh... You can hear that, cant you? Did you not hear that before?” I didn’t know what to say because I have been to this park SO many times and I couldn’t remember if I had heard this ever or not. All I know is that when I heard this today, my heart skipped a beat, and it was just different than when I came to the park in the past. 


Since I was not born deaf, I was fortunate to have a childhood full of sound which has allowed me to have the memory of different sounds. At that moment, I wondered to myself how many sounds I thought I was hearing before because I had the memory of it. When I lost my ability to hear certain noises, I wonder if I replaced this null and void gap with the memory of the noise so that it would never be lost. They say that someone who has lost their leg often have phantom leg. I think what I was experiencing was “phantom ear". I know this probably sounds ridiculous but it is crazy how powerful our minds are.


The other new sound I heard at the park was the crunching of leaves as we went for a stroll in the park. As I was walking through the leaves I dramatically kicked them up in the air and enjoyed the leaves surrender as I crumbled them to the ground. I LOVE FALL!!! I love cool, but not cold weather. I love the beautifully painted orange, red, and yellow leaves that so gracefully fall from the trees. And I now I have the chance to explore and relearn to love the SOUNDS of fall! The crunching of leaves brings me back to my childhood where my parents would spend all day raking the leaves and I would mischeviously jump into their hours of labor and roll around like a dog waiting to get his belly itched. Makes me feel like a kid again! 

One thing I had really wanted to hear, but was unable to hear very clearly, was the sound of the tree’s blowing in the wind. Despite Fraser's best effort of actually shaking the tree limb to make the noise for me, I was barely able to hear this. At my old house, we had two Aspen Tree’s and a friend of mine would always comment on how beautiful they sounded in the wind. I was never able to hear this so you can imagine my desire to hear the rustling of tress as they blow in the wind. I was not able to hear this today and before my implant I had to accept this as a way of life. Things are different for me now. Tomorrow is a new day. Next week is a new week. Next month is a new month. Next year is a new year.  All of my days are now full of hope and possibility.

A Good Fight

On Saturday, Fras and I got into a little bit of a tiff and so our morning was pretty much wasted being sad and upset. I am mad at fairy tails because marriage is a lot more difficult than anyone ever tells you. Shouldnt my mom have given me the heads up about the struggles you have to face? Shouldnt we be required to take a class on "the truth about marriage"? I love my husband more than anything and I do not know what I would do without him in my life but marriage is way different than I ever imagined. What we have been through in our first 4 months of marriage is crazy...

• Learning to be married
• Learning to communicate with a hearing disability
• Adopting and taking care of a rescue puppy
• Having less than a month to move and find a new house
• Preparing for a major surgery
• Recovering from a major surgery
• My hubby losing his job and being out of work for 2 months

Dealing with the normal stresses of a marriage are tough, but these extra struggles have led to such a build up of stress between us in the past 2-3 months. Excuse my pity party. I know things could be A LOT worse, and I am SOO grateful for all of the wonderful things in my life but life has just been pretty rough for us the last couple of months. During my surgery recovery I was completely deaf in my implanted ear and was only able to hear out of my hearing aided ear for two whole month. This has definitely affected our ability to communicate with each other. We are both so emotionally exhausted from dealing with these extra stresses of our lives and it takes A LOT some days to make that extra effort to really listen and really hear the other person. Sometimes it is easier to just not talk and zone out in front of the TV. Or just not talk about the raw emotions that we are truly feeling. Or just not talk about the little argument that we just had. Or not talk about the ways we really want this relationship to be. Communication is exhausting and takes extra energy for us. There are so many accommodations we BOTH have to make in order to make conversation work. Before my implant and especially during my surgery recovery, my husband would have to be within 5 feet of me and directly looking at me in order to have a real conversation. If he was in the basement and I was upstair, he wouldn't be able to just yell to ask me a question. I wouldnt even be able to hear him yelling! Also, all of the emotional struggles I have succumb dealing with my hearing loss has had an affect on the people in my life, especially my husband. When you love someone you truly feel everything little thing they are feeling and it takes a lot out of you. While living and breathing a life of hearing loss is difficult for the hearing impaired individual, it is also very difficult for the people closest to you. My husband knew me when my hearing was mild/moderate and knows the fun-loving, outgoing, "I dont care what anyone things of me" confident person I used to be. Watching me become so socially withdrawn hurts him just as much as it hurts me. The best thing about my relationship is our friendship and our love for each other. I know we will find a way to work through this just like everything else we have overcome in our 7 years together! As my mother always says... "Let go and let God."


Regardless of our not so positive morning, Fras and I went out to lunch with my parents and our friend Zach. I decided to take my parents to a little Italian Bistro near my work. SO Delish!! This was actually my very first experience in a resturant since my activation and I think I did pretty darn well. The resturant was not very busy and we did sit in a more private section but I felt that I was able to follow along with conversation much better than I ever did with my hearing aids. What I found to be most difficult was when Fraser, Dad, and Zach were having conversation while I was trying to talk and listen to my mom (across the table from me).  The boys sounded so loud and annoying! I sort of wanted them to shut up. ha ha!


During lunch, I asked them if other people talking bothered them. My dad said that my conversation with mom doesn’t bother him or interfere with his hearing because he just blocks out all other noise except for the conversation he is currently in. They all agreed and explained that my brain will need to learn how to shut out noise that I am not focused on. My poor brain is being overworked! 



I also asked them all what it sounded like when something was really loud and none of them could explain it. Well, that doesn’t help me too much in generalizing my hearing and determining what is "normal" and what I "should" be hearing. I asked them all to try to pay more attention to this because I really want to know if what I am hearing when it is loud is the same thing as they are hearing. Sometimes I wonder if the loudness I am hearing is because something is truly loud or if it is just some interference with my Esteem since I am not used to hearing a sound this loud.  


After lunch I took my parents to my office to show them around so they could see where I spend the majority of day! Nothing really new or exciting happened there, except for the fact that my dad had to walk into every single office (hello dad, invasion of privacy), my mom stole left over candy from our Halloween Party, and dad commented on how few males worked at my company (based on walking around and reading the names on the outside of each office door). ha ha. parents...


For dinner we went out to eat as well and that was MUCH MUCH more noisy than before. I definitely felt more comfortable being in a loud setting and felt that it was easier to follow conversation. I think I am generally more comfortable with my family in loud settings because they are more aware and accommodating to my hearing loss.


Fras and I are laying in bed as I am writing this and I feel like I am having difficulty understanding him so I decided that tomorrow I am going to turn up my Esteem again tomorrow.  A5 here I come!

First Day Back At Work

The day after my Envoy Esteem activation, I was still so emotionally and physically drained. Nothing can prepare you for the emotion you experience.  Hearing so many new sounds and also hearing so many old sounds that are clear as can be is unbelievably overwhelming. Most people with "normal" hearing are able to shut out all of these background noises but I am hearing all of these at once! I thought NOT being able to hear was exhausting but BEING ABLE TO hear so much is exhausting as well. My brain is still playing a bit of catch up in trying to process all of these new sounds and, well, its pretty tiring. The day after my activation I slept pretty much the entire day. Well let me rephrase that… I slept as much as I could considering all of the new sounds I was hearing. Even in a quiet house there are so many sounds that can distract you from sleeping. Unbelievable!


Right now the noises directly around me are what I am hearing most clearly through my Esteem. I am already getting sick of hearing my voice and hearing myself breath, swallow, and chew.  These noises are just there ALL the time! How did I never notice this before? 


The Envoy Technician told me that I should feel ready to turn up the volume every 3-5 days, but I felt ready today! I never realized how much of a difference 3 decibels of sound could make and was amazed by not only the clarity but also all of the different noises I was able to hear.


Brushing my teeth this morning was something that I really took notice of when I started my day. I found that this almost sounded like a train chugging along. Back and forth of the brush, "chuch-chuch" "chuch-chuch". My morning shower was, again, magical and I never wanted to get out. My hair dryer was unbearably loud to the point where I had to put my finger in my ear while I was blow drying my hair. The hardwood floors are even louder in the quietness of the morning. I found myself tiptoeing around the house to try to avoid making this noise. When I slammed the kitchen cabinet door while making breakfast, it startled me. Fraser always complains about how loud I am around the house, especially when I get ready for work in the morning, and I never really understood what he was talking about until today. 


I cannot start my work day without a cup of coffee and hearing the sound of coffee brewing for the first time since childhood brought back so many wonderful memories. I remember waking up to this sound as a child and sitting with my dad as he drank his morning coffee and read the newspaper. It has been so long since I have heard this and I will forever be able to cherish this sound and think of my father.


Heading out the door for work, I noticed that my front door makes a very high-pitched creaking noise when it opens and closes. Never knew that! Before my implant (with hearing aids), hearing a door open and close was a one-toned noise (or a muffled noise that I barely heard). Now I can actually hear the springs within the door. I never thought that a door would be so interesting! 


I left the radio on in my car before my activation and when I turned my car on this morning, noise blasted from the speakers! I never realized how loud I listened to the radio. Before my activation I was listening to the radio at about 20, which is NOT comfortable AT ALL anymore. I am much more comfortable at about 8 thank you very much. When listening to music, I did have a little distortion but was told that this is actually "normal" during the first 2 months after activation.  


The noises at work were much different than I remember. My hearing aids barely picked up the sound of typing but now this was as clear as can be! I also noticed that my computer mouse "clicks" when I tap it and it also squeaks as I move it. When the armrest of my chairs rubs against my desk, that makes a squeaky noise too! My office is right across from our production room and I could hear printing from the copy machine! I could also hear people talking! Although I could not understand what they were saying, I heard them! It is going to be a lot more difficult to concentrate at work with all of these new sounds!


Today at work was our annual Halloween party. All staff are encouraged to bring their children and each office is set up as a trick or treat station. I have participated in this for the last 4 years and each year it has become more and more difficult for me to interact with children. Last year, one of the kids was trying to tell me a knock knock joke. He said, "Knock Knock". "Who's there?" I replied and he said “Boo!”. I thought he said “two” so I reply "Two Who?". The kid looked at his mother and then back at me with a questioning eye. His mother, understanding my disability, kindly corrected me by finishing the joke. I was embarrassed and devastated. This was when I realized just how difficult it was for me to interact with kids. Therefore, this year, I decided to not take part in the trick-or-treating, but instead team up with my supervisor and second-handingly participate, which took the pressure off. I still had a difficult time understanding what they were saying and had to focus pretty intently to hear them. However, I was able to much more confidently interact and follow what they were saying than in the past year. I am looking forward to seeing what this interaction will be like in 2-6 months from now when my hearing is optimal and my brain has learned how to process this sound.



People are constantly asking me how different noises sound with my hearing aids compared to my Esteem. The only way I can explain it is hearing in black and white versus hearing in color. Although I am able to hear and get by with my hearing aids, the sound is often muffled and a bit one-dimensional. Hearing with my Esteem is like hearing in color. Everything just sounds so much cleaner, clearer, and crisper and sound is much more 2 or even 3 dimensional. It is just amazing how much more natural everything sounds with my Esteem compared to my hearing aids. One thing I really cannot wait to do is go to the beach and hear the sound of the waves crashing and the palm trees blowing in the wind. I could hear these noises with my hearing aid before but everything sounds so much better with my Esteem, so I cannot even imagine what the noises of the beach will sound like. 


Well, those are pretty much my thoughts and experiences for today and I look forward to all of the new noises I will hear tomorrow. Each day with the Esteem is a new day full of new noises and new adventures that I now have the confidence to take on. Although I am still having trouble with my word comprehension, each day is less of a struggle to hear people and each day I start to feel more and more confident in myself. I am already beginning to find the confident women I used to be and I look forward finding the social world that I once knew and loved. Hopefully, in the next few days, I will feel more confident to pick up the phone and call my family and friends. It is amazing how much support I have even though I have felt so out of touch with people in my life. I have gotten oodles of text messages, emails, facebooks messages, and phone calls from all the people I felt I had lost in my life. That feels pretty good.

First Day with my Envoy Esteem Implant Activated

Today, my Envoy Esteem implant was activated and it was probably the most emotional day of my entire life. I didn’t know it was possible to experience so many emotions in just one day. I want to capture all of my pure emotions so that I never forget how incredible today was. Wow. I do not even know where to start, so I will just start here.

I have a remote to turn my device on and off and it has to be placed directly over the device, which is right behind my ear (you can feel it if you touch it).  The Envoy Technician said that sometime it takes a couple of tries to get it to turn on, but I got it on my first try. When it was turned on, the first thing that I heard was my own voice and it was super loud. I never really knew what my voice sounded like until today. I sound a lot more nasally than I ever realized. I couldn’t believe how loud everything was. The sound I heard was a lot more natural than I expected it to be but still very different than what I am used to hearing through my hearing aid. Everything sounded so loud that it almost sounded a bit echoy, like I was in a tunnel or something where every single sound in the room was bouncing back and forth. I started to cry because I haven’t heard anything this loud and clear in a LONG time. I started to hyperventilate a little bit and could barely catch my breath! That’s when I heard myself breath for the first time. Wow. I didn’t realize how loud this sounds. Just the thought of how amazing this moment is made me laugh, which was REALLY overwhelmingly loud. This made me cringe a bit! Then I started to talk again and realized again how nasally I sounded. I decided I needed a tissue to blow my nose. Again… WOW that’s loud! Was all of this really happening to me? I couldn't believe it!

When I finally came back to reality, I realized I heard crying and sniffling but this time it wasn’t me… I looked over at Fras, Mom, and Dad and they were crying and sniffling.  I not only was hearing myself, I was hearing them too without even having to look at them! I got up and hugged and kissed Fraser. KISSING IS SO LOUD AND GROSS AND WEIRD. Still having a little bit of trouble with this... Once I sat back down, I took a sip of water and I heard the water swishing around in the bottle, I heard the bottle crinkle as I was holding it, I heard myself swallow. Gosh, I am a loud drinker. I wonder if all of these things I was hearing bother other people and are loud to them too. Fraser started asking me what I could hear, and I was able to answer him without even looking at him. This was all so overwhelming for me and my brain started to freak out.

So, the first part of my appointment was having the device turned on. After this, they have to run some test on the device to make sure that everything is working properly. While they were doing this and adjusting the settings, I started to hear a "wooshing" noise in the room. I started to panic because I thought this was feedback from the device. After testing this, we soon realized that what I was hearing was actually the heat blowing! I had actually heard this and noticed when it turned on! I can't remember the last time I took notice of this! As part of the testing and reprogramming, they have to turn off the device and then reprogram it to "minimal gain" because, well, everything is just so overwhelmingly loud at first. When they turned it to "minimal gain", things started to sound a bit hallow and distorted so they had to reprogram it a couple of times to make this go away. The best way I can explain my sound distortion is that whenever a sound is "too loud" for my device, it sounds like what you would hear if you were talking on speaker phone and it was too loud. So the Envoy Technician basically had to turn down the volume as well as eliminate certain tones and ranges of sound so that I am not getting this type of distortion. Once my brain adjusts to the device, I will be able to hear at these levels without this distortion.

During the reprogramming, I found that voices and noises were not as loud as they were at first and I was having a difficult time hearing conversations going on across the room. This made me very upset and I started crying again. I went into this process thinking that my life would change drastically after the device was activated, and while I am still hearing so many new sounds, why was I still having this much trouble understanding and comprehending what people were saying? During the activation appointment you go from hearing all of these new noises so loud and clear when they first turn it on, to being reprogramed to "minimal gain" where you are back to wishing your hearing were better. 

All of the cameras were on me and I was starting to feel overwhelmed. [On a side note, I should mention that the Oprah Network filmed my activation and did a segment on me for a show called "Found" premiering in February 2012. Essentially, it is about me "finding" my hearing again.] I wanted to ask questions and express my concerns to the Envoy Technician but since it was being filmed, the producer was also butting in and trying to get the "shot" that she needed (e.g., close up of me holding up the device to my ear). I took one look at Fraser and he already knew what I was thinking so he politely asked the producer and film crew to leave so that I could focus on talking to the Envoy Technician  oppose to helping the producer “get the shot” that she needed. I felt absolutely awful about this, but I just couldn't handle the pressure anymore!

Once everyone started to clear out of the room, I felt like I was a volcano about to erupt so I asked mom to go to the bathroom with me. Before I even made it to the bathroom, I began to cry hysterically. My mom just held me, comforted me, and wiped my tears until I calmed down. I went to the bathroom and heard myself pee. As gross as this is, the sound was just so loud and different than I remember that I actually flinched and stopped peeing for a second. When I flushed the toilet, it scared the heck out of me! No wonder I was scared of the toilet flushing at nighttime when I was a child! Hearing these new sounds so loud and clear in the bathroom lifted my spirits and gave the emotional energy to get through the rest of the appointment.

I was able to finish my appointment without the distraction of the producer and film crew. The Envoy Technician made some more program adjustments and everything started to sound a bit more natural but I was still having a difficult time understanding people at a distance from me. The Envoy Technician assured me that what I experienced today is completely normal (emotional breakdown and all!) and that it will take some time for my brain to adjust to the Esteem and learn how to hear again. This is a gradual process that takes time; it will take about 6 months and multiple re-adjustments until my hearing is optimal. 

Before I left, I learned how to use the remote control (see picture below). 

There are 3 different programs: a, b, and c. Each program has 5 volume settings. While there is some overlap across the programs, each volume setting is a 3 decibel increase. I was told that 3-5 decibels is the average sound the human brain can “take” in one day without producing feedback and completely overwhelming me. They started me at A3 and told me to adjust the device every 3-5 days, which I will do until I reach C5. During my re-adjustment appointment, they will re-program my device and remote for different settings (i.e., quiet settings, loud settings, etc.) based on my experience over the next two months. Part of the reason they start everyone at "minimal gain" is so our brain can learn to "hear" again. It is important for me to get used to hearing the sounds directly around me, such as my voice, chewing, swallowing, etc., before they open up new ranges and tones.  

After my appointment ended, I spoke with the producer to see if I could reschedule my post-interview with them once I was able to emotionally compose myself and get through the emotions of today. Everyone was (surprisingly) very understanding and so grateful that I shared this special moment with them. They told me that what I did today was very brave and will touch and change the lives of many people living with hearing loss. Thinking about this right now, I honestly cannot believe that I had the courage to share my story and let complete strangers film such an emotional and personal moment in my life. I have always been very secretive and private about my hearing loss (some people don't even know that I am hearing impaired!) and I will be sharing this with the whole freaking world!!

I left the appointment in a very overwhelmed and emotional state, especially since I felt so terrible about not finishing my day with the film crew. My appointment was held in a very large and confusing building in downtown Denver with multiple parking garages so it took us about an hour to find our parking place. Once we got to the car, I went to grab my phone and couldn't find it! After endless searching, we found it in a puddle of water under the car (go figure!). We started driving and my navigator was sending us to dead ends and AHHH I just wanted to get the heck home at this point!!  My appointment ended at 3:30 and we did not arrive home until almost 6:00 pm! DINNER TIME! Fras and I picked up some burger from one of my favorite places on the way home. While I was waiting in the car for Fras to run in and get the food, I called mom. It was weird, because when she started talking I actually had to turn down the volume so I could hear her. With my hearing aids, I would keep pressing the volume up button throughout the entire conversation even when it was on the highest volume! I was always trying to find a way to make it louder! I did still have some trouble understanding her but it was much better than I ever did with my normal ear or hearing aids.

I was so nervous before my activation appointment that I couldn't eat so when we finally got home I was starving! This is when I heard myself chew for the first time in as long as I can remember. As I was chewing, all I could think about was how weird and gross this noise was. I felt self-consious and kept looking around to Fraser and my parents to see if they could hear the smacking of my lips. When I took a bite of a crunchy french fry, all other noises around me became invisible and my ears flooded with crunching. Fraser was talking to me and I had NO idea what he was saying. He assured me that when he is eating something crunchy the same thing happens to him.

While hanging out after dinner, I heard stomping. It was Rufus coming up the stairs of the basement! When he approached the living room, I could hear the tags of his collar clinking together and his tail "tap, tap, tap" against the coffee table in excitement! Dad, of course, was making a cocktail and dumping the ice into his glass and I heard him loud and clear across the HOUSE!! Everywhere I walked in my house I heard the creaking of the hard wood floors. 

Before bed I decided to clean up and take a shower. I have severe to profound hearing loss, so without my hearing aids, cannot hear much of anything in the shower. With my esteem, I heard EVERYTHING... the "pitter-patter" of the water hitting the tub, the sound of water filling and emptying in my ear, the "whack" of soapy water hitting the shower door as I lather my body in soap. I cupped my hands together and heard the water splashing into my hands. I heard some squeaky noise as I rubbed the water on my face and lathered my hair with conditioner. Then all of a sudden I heard someone talking. I couldn't understand what was being said so I called out, "Fraser? Are you talking to me?" A few seconds later he popped his head in. "Could you hear me talking in the bedroom?” I replied, “Yes, were you talking to me?". He said, "No, I was talking to my mom on the phone. I can't believe you actually just heard that!". Please note that we had this conversation while I was rinsing my hair (not reading lips). I heard him and actually understood him. I also was able to hear Fraser whistling and running around the house with Rufus. I never EVER would have been able to hear ANY of this before my my implant! SO COOL! [Totally off topic, but I just sighed as I am writing this and I heard myself breath. What a wonderful sound.]. I spent a good hour in the shower just soaking up all of the new noises I was experiencing. I think water trickling is one of the most beautiful and peaceful noises in the entire world. I never wanted this moment to end.

What I am hearing at home tonight is completely different than what I heard at my activation appointment earlier today. Every second is different and a learning experience for my brain. My hearing aid and Esteem also sound different and are picking up on different types of noises. Right now my hearing aided ear (right) is picking up on more distant noises than my Esteem is set to hear. My Esteem ear is picking up on what is going on directly around me (my voice, my breathing, my swallowing, etc.).

I went into this experience expecting that my hearing would be back to "normal" today and I was, at first, very disappointed to realize that it is going to take time to be able to hear again. However, experiencing all of these new noises has been absolutely amazing and has already changed my outlook on life in so many ways! I have all the confidence in the world that this is my miracle and that this is the beginning of my new life.