YOU Have the Power to Control the Speed of Conversation

My auditory therapy for today consisted of two different exercises. For the first exercise, my therapist would say a word sound, such as “S” or “F” or “Ch” and I would have to say a word that started with that sound. So, if my therapist said “Sh”, I would say “Ship” or “Sheet”. For the second exercise, my therapist would read a sentence and I would have to tell her which word seemed off. The word that was off was very similar to what the correct word should have been. For example, “If you are cold, put on a coke.” This is my 3rd therapy session and I am still finding some of these exercises to be quite difficult for me. The second exercise was a little easier than the first since I had some contextual information to help me identify what the correct word. However, I am still having a difficult time differentiating between "g" and "d" sounds as well as between the "s", "f", and "th" sounds. It has only been 3 weeks since I started, so I do have a ways to go! Hopefully with more time and practice this will all become easier...

While chatting with my therapist after our session, she told me something very interesting.  She said that we actually have the ability to control the speed of our conversation. Have you every been around someone who is really laid back and talks really slowly? You can't help but notice that you start to become more relaxed yourself and you will find yourself talking at a slower pace. The opposite is true as well. If you talk quickly, that will boost the adrenalin of those around you leading them to also talk at fast pace. Obviously, someone talking fast is much more difficult to understand than someone who talks slowly. So, she told me that since I tend to talk fast, I should try to make a conscious effort to talk slower. While it does take time, practice, and a conscious effort, this tactic can actually help you better understand in conversations. Amazing! 

Be Grateful for All Sounds, Even the Annoying Ones

As I got into bed to start journaling, I was taken back by the sound of a neighbors car alarm. Wow! That is loud! It is 9:00 p.m. and so I am sure that all of the neighbors are super annoyed about this, but I am sitting here just taking in the sound, thinking how grateful I am that I can actually hear this. If I was sitting in bed without my hearing aids, there is no chance in hell that I would be able to hear this. Gosh, I don't think I would even be able to hear this with my hearing aids in! 

There are so many noises in the world that most people take for granted because they are too loud or annoying, like alarms, the sound of a computer mouse clicking, the sound of someone smacking their lips while they eat. But people should really be grateful that they have the ability to hear all of the amazing noises of the world. 

Through my journey I am coming to learn the power of gratitude. When you begin to look for all of the things you DO have in life, instead of all the things you DON'T have, you start to put your life in perspective. You start to think, "hey, my life is not that bad after all." From there you begin to appreciate all of the things you do have in life and you are finally able to see that everything you ever needed to be happy is right in front of you. Pretty powerful stuff, huh?

So, next time you want to get all worked up because the sound of something is annoying or too loud for your ears to handle, just take a moment to practice your gratitude for sound and the ability to hear. For someone who has been able to hear their entire life, this probably doesn't seem like something to be grateful for, right? But think about all the people out there who are not able to hear at all or who struggle to hear each and every day. Think about how difficult it is for people to communicate with their loved ones because they are not able to hear. Think about how hard people who have a hearing impairment have to work just to be able to follow in conversation. It's exhausting for us! 

Please, don't feel sorry for us. That's not what I am trying to get at here. All I am asking is for you to appreciate what you have. You are SO lucky that God has given you the ability to hear at a normal capacity so start to enjoy every little thing that comes along with it! Even those noises you find annoying...

Caught Between Two Worlds

My journey of Learning to Hear has become a journey of more things than I ever could have imagined. This process had lead me to be more in touch with myself and my feelings, especially those that I kept buried deep within my soul, and as a result, I am finding out a lot about who I am and who I want to become. In some ways, I feel closer to finding peace but in others I feel completely lost.


I often find myself caught up in the struggle of where I belong; I feel like I am caught between two worlds:


1. The Hearing World
2. The Deaf Culture


Where is my place? I feel like I am neither nor. This internal war is a bit daunting.


While I grew up in a culture of hearing and verbal communication, my true hearing capacity is silence.


While the hearing world looks upon me as Deaf, the Deaf Culture sees me as an individual who can hear.


While I have heard and can hear, I cannot hear well enough to function within the hearing world. 


While my friends and family are all hearing individuals, I feel in isolation because I cannot communicate with them as I used to.


I know what it is like to hear, but I also know what it is like to be Deaf in a world of silence. What is interesting is that I can relate to both worlds, yet I cannot fully communicate in either. I understand what it is like to live in both worlds, but neither world understands me. Most individuals within the Deaf Culture do not know what it is like to have heard, but those in hearing world do not know what it is like to have NOT heard.


While my desire to be in the hearing world is much greater, as that is what is most familiar to me, I cannot deny my need to relate to others who actually "understand" me and accept me for everything I am and all of the raw emotions I feel.


So, is the world as black and white as it seems? or is there a place in between for me? for us?


Maybe we do not fit into either, but maybe that is okay. Maybe this is the way God intended it to be. Maybe we are the bridge to unite these two worlds together as one. Maybe it is our calling to help each world understand the other. Maybe this is what we were brought on earth to do: to help and unite. God chose us because we are unique and that special.


Well, this doesn't seem so bad after all...

Auditory Therapy Puts Me Another Step Closer

For my first official therapy session, we did two different exercises. The first exercise was to practice hearing the beginning sound of words. For this exercise, she went through a list of 120 word pairs and I had to tell her if the beginning sound of the two words were the same. Here are a few examples:

Drive-Live

News-Views

Same-Fame

Top-Hop

Skip-Ship

While doing this, she was facing me, but had the piece of paper covering her mouth. I also made sure to look down so that I could practice not being so dependent on looking at people to hear them. If I got the answer incorrect, she pulled the paper down and repeated again allowing me to read her lips to identify the sound.

While this seems like such a simple task, it was not so simple for me. I didn’t do horribly. I was able to identify beginning sounds for 103 out of the 120 word pairs (85.8%). However, I did guess on some of them... If she had asked me to repeat the two words, I probably would have done much much worse. I told her about this and she said that it is okay and that right now she just wants me to listen to the word sounds instead of trying to identifying the word. This will come later!

Since I am having trouble hearing short quick constanant sounds all of the word pairs I listed above were ones I got incorrect. To me, the word “same” and “fame” sound the same because all my brain knows how to hear is the “_ame” of the word.

The next exercise we did was similar. However, instead of identifying if the beginning of the word was the same, I had to identify if the end of the word was the same (i.e., if the words rhymed). Here are a few examples:

Call-Pull

Bend-Wind

Bind-Blond

Boat-Tote

I am happy to say I did much better on this one! I was able to correctly identify if a sound rhymed for 111 of the 120 words (92.5%). The word pairs that I listed above are a few that I was not able to identify on my first try. My therapist reviewed these with me and showed me how the quicker vowel sounds may also be difficult for me to differentiate between such as the “eh” sound in bend and “ih” sound in wind.

Before she left, she gave me an interactive computer program that she often uses for her dyslexic patients since it is all about sound discrimination: what each letter sounds like, the difference between each sound, how to sound out different words. Remember "Hooked on Phonics". Well, it is sort of like that. She gave me the first level of this program to do as practice on my own and said that she would give me the next program once I got through this whole program. She also provided me with some "homework" for me to practice with Fraser. I am actually excited to practice all of this!

This whole experience of seeing a therapist has been really eye opening for me. I think it is helpful for me to understand and see why I am missing the parts of conversation that I do and why I think people say something completely different than they do. I think that this realization and understanding has been and will continue to be a large part in my path to acceptance. When we are in denial about our hearing loss, we do not really understand what is happening to us. Why is it becoming difficult to have a conversation with someone in a restaurant? Why am I not able to hear people when they talk to me from the next room? Why is it less enjoyable for me to be around my friends and family? Why am I getting angry and frustrated with people for not talking loud enough? Why am I so tired all the time? These are just few of the many questions we are pondering in our minds. It is very liberating to have less questions and more answers!

Whether the problem for me is more physical (i.e., my actual hearing) or mental (i.e., my brains ability to identify these sounds), I am not sure at this point in the process. Thinking about this, since I was in such denial about my hearing loss I waited until I absolutely HAD to get hearing aids. Even then, I only wore them to class and work until about 3 years ago. I think that prolonging the inevitable act of getting hearing aids is why these sounds are not familiar to me. If I would have gotten hearing aids when my hearing loss was only mild, I may have been able to still hear the “f” and “t” and “s” sounds with hearing aids, and therefore, my brain would not have lost the ability to identify these sounds or my brain would not have been in the dark about these sounds for 10 whole decade; the gap would have at least been smaller.

I know I cannot drive myself crazy with these "what if's". This is all in the past, and there is nothing that can be done now except to move forward with the knowledge I now have. However, I am saying this and sharing this to motivate others to get hearing aids before it is too late to truly reap all of the benefits they have to offer. Technology today is AMAZING and sadly, most people do not take full advantage of this due to the stigma society puts on wearing hearing aids. If you have the choice... Don't do what I did! Don’t wait! Strive to understand! Get your hearing checked out! Get hearing aids if your audiologist says you need them! Life is too short to waste it in the haze of denial. Acknowledge, accept, and move forward. How do you expect to get anywhere in life when you are just standing still?

Evaluation Appointment With An Auditory/Speech Therapist

While I am constantly amazed at all of the new noises I am now able to hear, I am still having a difficult time with my speech discrimination (or understanding).  I was told by the Envoy Technician that this is likely due to my dependency on reading lips. If I am not looking at the person who is talking, I am not able to understand what they are saying. While I hear them loud and clear, my brain cannot process what is being said. The best way I can explain what this is like is to picture yourself in a room where no one speaks your language. While you have the physical ability to hear, you have no idea what they are saying. You are looking around constantly to try to pick up on social cues that will help you follow what is being said. You may feel isolated. You may feel alone. You may even feel a bit paranoid like people are talking or laughing about you. Sometimes you laugh it off and pretend to go along with the conversation and other times you get so down on yourself that you escape the situation as soon as you can.

I do not want to be like this anymore. I want to be able to take advantage of my new ability to hear. I don't want to have to hear by looking. I want to hear by hearing as much as my physical ability will let me! 

So, I decided to contact an Auditory/Speech Therapist to help me with my ability to understand running conversation, regardless of my financial situation (credit cards were created for a reason, right?). My inability to hear conversation and to be social affects the quality of my life and so, I felt that it was necessary for me to take this next step. I have come to terms with the fact that I may never be able to have the hearing that I used to have, but I do not want to have any regrets in this process or look back and say "I wish I did this" or "I should have done that" to help myself. I have been thinking about this for a while and I would regret it if I did not give myself this opportunity.

I had my evaluation this week, which consisted mostly of talking about the history of my hearing loss, my progress with the Esteem hearing implant, and situations that are difficult for me to hear. I was also tested on my word and sound discrimination. Throughout the entire test, she sat behind me so that I would not be able to read her lips. For the first part of the test I had to repeat the word. Very basic and similar to the speech discrimination test that are given by my audiologist.

For the second part of the test, I had to repeat sentences. However, they were sentences that did not make sense (e.g., I put the basketball in the toaster). Since most hearing impaired individuals actually pick up on about 30% percent through reading lips and 30% through actually hearing, they must fill in the rest of the conversation with social cues and other people's facial expressions. If we miss even one word, or interpret one word incorrectly, then this has a HUGE effect on our understanding since topics switch very readily in running conversation. So, by having to repeat sentences that do not make sense, this really test how much I am able to hear and how much I am filling in the blanks.

The third part of the evaluation was repeating a sentence in which I had to fill in the last part. For example, she would say, “You cook a turkey in the...” and I would say "oven" if I had heard the sentence correctly. She made sure that there were minimal options for the blank word in the sentence. So again, this test how much of the sentence I am hearing.

Essentially, she found that I am having a difficult time with soft, short consonant sounds, such as the “s” and the “f” sounds. These are short and quick sounds that fall within the higher frequencies, which my brain is not use to hearing since I haven’t heard these sounds in the last 9 years!

She said that therapy and practicing sound discrimination exercises will improve my ability to hear and identify these sounds more readily. Even if she has to repeat a word 100 times, each time she makes that sound or says that word, it will build and strengthen the connection in my brain.

We agreed to meet for 30 minutes ever week for now until she develops a more finalized work plan for me. She said that she would be willing to provide me with practice exercises to do on my own, if I cannot afford to have her come every week. She also mentioned that it typically takes about 3-6 months of intense practice in order to see a difference. This means practicing EVERY SINGLE DAY.

I think God is truly testing my ability to be patient... I don’t know where I got the idea in my head that this would be an “easy” process. Life is all about learning and finding who we are. Where would inner and spiritual growth come from if everything was easy and perfect all the time! While the last decade has not been easy for me, I have grown a tremendous amount and learned so much about myself through this experience. I am actually looking forward to my journey of acceptance and finally finding peace within myself. I have been struggling through life for a while now and it feels good to let go of this a little bit each day.

Let go and Let God.

Follow-Up On My Recent Hearing Test Results

I finally heard back from Michelle today. She said that she thinks the big reason why I saw worse results at my last visit was due to my illness and the fluid in my middle ear. She said that even a small amount of fluid could disrupt how the device works as well as my ability to hear. Between my allergies and getting over a cold, I was fighting quite a bit! She also mentioned that my hearing should improve as I continue to heal over the next couple of months, and that I should not be worried….just yet at least.

I had also asked her what type of results I should expect to see and she said that most patients see an average of 30-40 decibels of gain (that would still put me in the moderate loss range in the high frequencies). Before going into this, I was told that my hearing would be close to normal again, so this scared me a little bit. I was definitely expecting a greater overall gain. She said that it is still too early in the process to tell what my gain will be and that I need to be a bit more patient with the process.

Why do people keep telling me this?

In thinking about my lack of patience, I found a very inspiring quote:

“Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them - every day begin the task anew.”

Saint Francis de Sales

French Saint & Bishop of Geneva (1567 - 1622)

Although I must be patient with this process, I must also never give up on this life changing journey. I must not lose courage in this process when I am feeling down or things are not going my way. Everyday is a new day and an opportunity for a new beginning.