Happy Hour Madness

After work today, I decided to attend happy hour with some colleagues of mine. Before my implant, I would rarely attend work events, especially those in loud setting. This was the first time I had been out in a group setting since my activation and I felt so confident going into this situation. Why would this be any different from my lunch date with Fraser? Unfortunately, it did not turn out as I had hoped and planned. I was hoping that communication would be easy for me to follow and that I would be able to sit back and relax while having a conversation with others around me. However, I felt the same struggle as I encountered in the past… 

• Having to ask others to constantly repeat themselves
• Laughing along with everyone even though I struggled to hear what was actually being said
• Fear that I would not be able to hear if someone addressed a question towards me
• Trying desperately to fit in and find a way into the conversation

The worst feeling for me is the look I get from other people when I chime into the conversation and say something completely off topic because I thought they were talking about something completely different. When this happened tonight, it brought back feelings of social anxiety. 

As the night went on and the restuarant became busier, I started getting TERRIBLE feedback which made it more difficult for me to hear. At this point in the night, my anxiety was getting out of control and I was too embarrassed to switch my programming in front of everyone to try to find the “right” setting for this environment. Oh man. How I wished Fraser and I had spent more time out and about so that I could have played around with this a little more. I could have switched to the right setting before going into the happy hour if I knew what that setting was. I went to the bathroom and adjusted my device from C3 to A1. This was a drastic change and when I got back to the table I REALLY couldn’t hear anyone. This time it wasn't because of the background noise and feedback, it was because it was too quiet. The best way I can explain what I heard was that it sounded like my ears needed to be popped or like I was trying to hear with my fingers plugged into my ears.  I am not sure what was worse… what I was experiencing now or the feedback from before! After 20 more minutes of trying to be “normal” I decided to call it a night and rescue myself from a broken heart and the feelings of anxiety.  

When I arrived home tonight, the first thing I did was collapse into Fraser's arms and burst into tears. Why are loud situations so difficult for me still? Once I calmed myself down, I decided to not focus on my negative experience tonight and what I cannot change, but instead focus on what I can do to make this situation easier for me. I started doing some research on Speech Therapist and Auditory Therapist in Denver and I found a few places that would be able to help me learn to hear with my Esteem. I pray that my insurance will cover this.