All I have been able to think about for the last week is turning on my Esteem. On top of the fact that I am going crazy not being able to hear, I am dying with anticipation of what everything will sound like. Will it sound different? Will it sound better? Will it sound clearer? Will I like it? Will it be loud enough? Will I be able to understand people? Did this surgery make a difference?
I have kept my remote in my bedside table and I have found myself just staring at it at times. Wanting so badly to reach over and turn it on. Every time it caught my glance, I would get an adrenalin rush. There is something so appealingly frightening about the unknown, especially when you know how great the end result could potentially be. I felt like my future was sitting right in front of me and I just couldn't wait to see what was in store for me.
Each night over the last week, I became weaker and weaker as I realized just how difficult it is to hear without my Esteem. I just couldn't take it anymore. So, I made the executive decision that I was going to turn it on, just for one quick second to, you know, to see what it sounds like. Dr. Murray, as well as other Esteem patients, had warned me that I may experience feedback and that things may not sound quite right at first. My ear was still healing and would continue to be healing over the next couple of months. Knowing this, I tried to keep my expectations at a minimum.
I placed the remote over the processor that lies underneath the skin behind my ear. I took a deep breath and with a click of a button, I heard a familiar beep. As I looked around the room searching for a signal of sound, I realized that I had been holding my breath. I let out a heavy sigh. Ok. It was definitely on. I couldn't help but smile. I could hear myself breath again! I could hear myself laugh with joy. I could hear saliva swishing in my mouth. Oh, how much I missed all of these bodily noises!
So many emotions came rushing through me in this moment. I felt like this giddy excited little kid on Christmas! It was like I had just been injected with the greatest drug and happiness was running through my veins. I started flipping through the different programs and volume levels to see if there was any feedback. There was none! Had everything healed? I wonder why they wanted me to keep this off for another 5 days?
I wanted so badly to keep it on forever and go explore sounds, but I felt so guilty having turned it on and going against what I was told to do. There was obviously a reason Dr. Murray wanted me to keep it off for two weeks and I really did not want to take any chances at this point.
That night, all I could think about was turning on my Esteem again. Maybe Dr. Murray would be okay with it knowing that I had not experienced any feedback? I decided that it would not hurt to ask so the next morning, I emailed Dr. Murray's office to see how he felt about me turning it back on for good. I checked my email about every 5 minutes until he responded that afternoon telling me to go for it! Parts of me felt skeptical about "rushing the system", but I was desperate for sound in my left ear.
I turned it to the highest setting right off the bat. It took only a couple of hours for me to get past the overwhelming sensation of the "me" noises, like breathing, swallowing, and chewing. It was then that I realized that even the loudest setting did not seem loud enough for me. Voices were not very clear either. I knew that it was early in the process but I couldn't help but feel a pang of disappointment. It was almost if my heart had stopped for a moments time. For the remainder of the day, I had to keep reminding myself that my ear was still healing, my program/settings were not properly adjusted, and that even the littlest bit of sound is better than nothing.
That evening, my ear started to feel bloated with pressure and I had an overwhelming sensation that my ear needed to pop. It felt as if my ear was swelling and was going to explode. I reached my hand behind my ear and began to skim my fingers along the tape that rested peacefully over my incision. When I touched the middle of the incision, the pressure became worse. It wasn't painful, just different and uncomfortable. I felt like something was not right and began to worry that I had made a mistake by turning it on too early and starting off at such a high level. Although I was mentally ready to have my Esteem back on, I knew that my ear was not physically ready for this.
I decided to turn it off and keep it off for the next couple of day until I reached my two week marker. I think this was God's way of telling me that I need to be more patient and that good things will come to those who wait.
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